Never to old to learn something about yourself…

This past summer, the icky weather not withstanding, has been an amazing experience for me. Why? I learned a lot about myself. If you have been following my journey as I share my thoughts on this blog, you know this is actually nothing new. I have learned a ton about myself in the past 2.5 years. And this summer was no different. Let me explain.

In the spring, I became the proud owner of a new (to me) boat. This time though, it wasn’t a sailboat, which is my usual go to type of vessel. Nope, this time, it was a power cruiser. Long story as to the rationale and not important at this time to the subject at hand. Suffice to say it was one of the best things I ever did for myself. And make no mistake. I did this for myself, no one else, period. I needed to do this. Turns out, I was right (for a change!).

The environment I moved into at my marina could not have been more perfect. Not that there wasn’t any challenges, it wasn’t utopia, but it was perfect because it wasn’t perfect. Confused? I get it, but stay with me for a bit. I needed to challenge myself. I needed to know exactly where I was in my journey. What I could do, what I couldn’t do and how to adapt to different circumstances. Some may say that I am reading a lot into this scenario. But I don’t think so. I honestly think all of this was present.

I learned how to be the new kid on the block, in my new skin, so to speak, where nobody knew me. No previous history. I forced myself to get out there, to take risks, to learn how to make friends and how to interject myself into an established community. It took time. And yes, I did skin my knees, figuratively speaking. But I continued on. Something I never would have even considered doing prior to my transition.

I learned that I am someone people want to spend time with. Again, this is new. That I can hold my own in conversations, and in many instances, I am just one of “the girls”. Sure, it was difficult at times as I am single whereas virtually everyone else is part of a couple. So many times, I was the “odd” person out. Some may say, in more ways than one, but I digress. But ya know what? I was, and still am, fine with that. My sense of self esteem is not linked to what anyone else thinks of me. I am proud to say that I am my own person, my own woman. And I don’t apologize for it. Period.

I also learned that there are some things I can’t do. And that it is okay to ask for help. Captaining your our cruiser is not hard, at least not for me. But when you are trying to dock a 10 foot wide boat into a 14 foot wide space with wind and current not helping, and you really don’t want to hit that $200,000 boat by side you, asking for help is not a bad thing. Yes, I have my pride, but I am not stupid. What I discovered, and more importantly learned, is that there is no shame in asking for help, and just as I am happy to helps those around me, there were plenty of people that were glad to help me out as well. I learned to be happy that it was there, that it was not a sign of weakness, but rather one of maturity. All told, all these lessons make me a stronger person.

Guess old dogs can learn new tricks!

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An interesting few days…

Travel not withstanding, it has been an interesting few days. Some in a good way. Others, well, not so much. First, the good part. I had the opportunity to speak at a corporate training event earlier this week. The organization wanted me to be the lead off speaker for a three day event, held in their city. No problem, happy to do that. I do it quite a bit actually. So off I went…to Yellowknife, in the Northwest Territories of Canada! Pretty much a day travel each way. North, which for those of you who know me, is not a direction I usually travel! I left my area of Canada where temps were approaching 100F, to the northern part of Canada where it was a measly 40F. A bit of a shock to my system for sure!

Despite that, it was actually neat to see. And the people where amazingly friendly. It was a really great event. The first time I’ve been called a “rock star” in the diversity world! It was hilarious actually. But the people were super. It was approaching the end of fall there, so it was probably the last weekend with the trees having any colour left on them. Which meant that the views were spectacular. If you dressed for it. And that was a bit of a pain, having to pack clothes for really warm weather and really cool weather. But it all worked out.

No issues with travel of course. In fact, fellow travelers were extremely kind and helpful, helping me with my suitcase, getting it into the overhead bins, finding empty spots to put it, given that all flights were full, and often my suitcase would end up in an overhead bin somewhere farther down the aisle behind my seat. Men were happily offering to pass it back and store it away, then retrieve it for me, etc. I was quite happy for their assistance, and don’t care if they only did it because I’m a woman. Just happy they did, because it was a zoo!

On the down side, I did have an unfortunate event in Toronto prior to my departure. I had spent the previous day with my daughter, shopping, eating, and just some flat out time to chill and just spend time together. It was awesome. No issues on her part, or from anyone else for that matter. Just two women hanging out. However, the next day, well, that is a different story.

It was relatively early in the morning, the streets were relatively quiet, almost deserted in fact. I was walking to one of my favourite haunts for breakfast only a few blocks from my hotel. It was during this quiet stroll when some guy decided that it would be cool to follow me from the other side of the street and keep yelling “hey baby” for about 5 minutes! Where’s a cop when you need one! I totally ignored him, not even turning to look. To say I felt uncomfortable is an obvious understatement. Fortunately, I got to the restaurant and avoided any other incident.

My question is, in what world is this acceptable behaviour? What goes through a guy’s brain that says this is okay? Seriously! What an idiot! What women with any degree of self respect would respond to that type of behaviour in a positive way? What a jerk! And that is about as clean as I can keep my language. Okay, not quite. What a f@ckin’ @sshole.

I tried to not let it bother me, but it did sit with me for a bit during breakfast. It made me a bit more uncomfortable with my walk back to the hotel. But I was able to let it go, and enjoyed the rest of the day as I prepared to head to the airport to catch the first of a few flights to take me to the event the next day.

In speaking with my girlfriends the majority of whom are all CIS gendered, while supportive, indicated that this has been their reality for all their lives. Well, that just sucks! Not acceptable at all. It’s going to take a lot to change that in society, starting with young boys. But they need to have roll models to look up to. With idiots like this out there, it would seem that there will always be some that will take on this behaviour thinking it is both normal and acceptable. Sigh. So frustrating. I guess I have to get used to this. I don’t want to, and trying to think of ways to make it change without putting my safety in jeopardy.

Welcome to the world of women.

A little coaching goes a long way…

Every quarter, I have a chance to get together with some colleagues as we converge from all across Canada to meet to provide a suite of services for a large client. In doing so, there are times when we can chat and catch up, in between 1:1 client meetings. During one such time, we started to chat about relationships and how things were going and just generally what was going on in our lives. She is recently divorced (three years ago), but is now in a stable relationship. Me? Well, not so much. Upon learning this, that is when she said out loud, she was going to put her coaching hat on and we were going to talk about this. And we did. Oh my, did we!

Point of clarification. She is an amazing executive and life coach. Works with both executives and high performance athletes and has quite a following. So I knew this was going to be good. And it didn’t disappoint! We chatted about my experience, my desires for what a relationship would look like and who that would be with. Long story short, after a few lengthy chats, she was able to help me to get to what some of the blocks were. Several “A Hah” moments for me.

One thing that she had me do was write out all the things that I was looking for in both a relationship and a partner. Everything. The smallest thing, didn’t matter, write it down. Just make list and keep going. Then but a star beside everything that I considered to be a “deal breaker”. Well…that turned out to be quite the list! Within 10 minutes, I had a full page. Over the course of the day, I would add to it as something else popped into my furry little brain.

Later in the evening, we had yet another opportunity to sit down for a couple of hours, and we reviewed my list up to that point. It was amazing the clarity that entire exercise brought to the discussion. She pushed back on a few things to force me to clarify what a certain word meant. What meaning was I attaching to that for myself? The entire process forced me to be very granular! It also helped me to understand why I hadn’t found anyone as of yet. I haven’t found the right person… yet.

And it’s not that the list is so exhaustive that there is no way anyone would meet all the criteria. It’s that there are certain things that are “a must have”. Many, many more are “nice to have”, but not mission critical. The “must have” are deal breakers. I haven’t met that person yet. She was quite impressed that I had finally gotten to the stage of truly believing that I am worth it, and not to compromise on some things that are very fundamental to me.

For now, I am happy with my life and while I would like to be in a stable relationship, I’m okay with being on my own. For now. Not sure if that will change. But right now, I am in a really good place. I am content. My happiness isn’t completely predicated upon being with someone else. Will that change in the future? Maybe. Who knows. Only time will tell. At least for now, though, I have a much better understanding of what was going on in my head and a greater sense clarity. Amazing what a couple of $K worth of coaching can do, especially when it’s free!! ha ha. She is such an awesome friend!

Some day…

Don’t I have enough to worry about?

I have to admit, right up front, that I have had a really good summer, all things considered. I mean, I’m on my own, alone. My girls are a 2.5 hour drive away which isn’t terrible in and of itself, but they  have their own lives now and busy. So I didn’t see them at all this summer. That super sucked. And not being in a relationship or having that special someone in my life, I am quite on my own. However, the saving grace was my summer retreat. I made the decision, as you may recall, to get back into boating now that I no longer had to deal with the disapproval of my now ex-wife. Because I love boating. And that, my friends, was my saving grace. On of the best decisions I made. Though small, one of the smallest in the marina, my little puppy is perfect for me and easy to live on for long periods of time. 

The best thing about it all though, is the people that I met. I have a made a bunch of new acquantiances, and a few really good friends. People that know about me, get it and appreciate who I am for me. I am truly thankful they are in my life. They made this summer an amazing time in, what is now, my new life. Especially when compared to last summer, which, while it was my first summer as my authentic self and was extremely liberating, was very, very lonely. This summer was anything but that. But there’s a rub. There is always a rub.

I’m busy. We are all busy with our lives. Nothing new. I’m also dealing with settling into my new life as me. That is an ongoing process. Probably will be for a while yet. Who knows? I don’t. So I’m just plodding along with that. Then l’m dealing with being alone and on my own and what that means. Trying not to think about the future in this regard is tough, at least for me. I don’t really do well with uncertainty. I’m getting better at it. One of the things I need to work on, is getting better at going with the flow. Anywho, all of this is quite enough, thank you. But wait, there’s more. There are other things to deal with in my world that is, really, more small “p” political than anything else.

Every community has its own little dynamic, and mine is no different. For me, here, it’s about being a single woman, older woman, owning and captain of her own boat. And one that actual takes her boat out on her own, cruises, docks etc. So there is a little under current about that. Not sure if other people think it’s weird but there is something there. Then there is the whole being single thing as well. All the boats are pretty much couples. So I am the “odd” person out (probably in more ways than one!!). Not sure if it makes people uncomfortable, but it does some, not all, but some. And it’s not really overt, no, everyone is nice enough and polite, but there is, once again, something very subtle going on. I suspect it is unconscious on their part, but I see it. Intentionally or not, it does impact me. Not sure why I let it, but then again, I only have so much energy to deal with so much stuff. 

Then you layer on top of that, everything else I have going on in my life as I mentioned at the beginning, and sometimes, not always, but sometimes, it gets to be a bit much. But that is where my good friends take over. I can wander down to anyone of their boats and everything is fine. I can relax and be, well, me. No apologies, explanations, etc. And that is what I have gained this summer. Some great new friends. You never know when or where you are going to meet such people. Be ready to accept them when they do show up. You may not get another chance. And that’s what thing I have been really trying to do, put myself out there more. Taking more risks with people. What a lot of people would call “outgoing”, which I am not, at least I haven’t been in the past. But when you start to not only love yourself, but like yourself, for the first time, it is much easier. I am more comfortable in just being me and if people don’t like it? Well, that’s their issue, not mine. I know I’m not perfect, that’s for damn sure. But I am who I am.

And I like it.  

Ho-hum…

I know, I know. I haven’t posted anything for a bit. It’s not that I don’t have anything to talk about, but in a way, I really don’t. At least not educational or “therapeutic”. Life right now is good. Really good. There is nothing I have to rant about. Nothing that is really upsetting me. Nothing that really concerns me. Okay, well maybe that last one isn’t true. There is a lot of stuff going on that concerns me, mostly in the U.S. I can rant about that, and I have, both on my Facebook change and on my blog. Don’t think it helps much.

It may have helped me to rant and get it out of my system so to speak. But then it really isn’t out of my system. I can still turn into a raving lunatic at the drop of hat about the alleged leader of the U.S. and how he is mistreating and abusing members of my community. But it has absolutely no impact. And given that I am up here in Canada, there is even less of a reason for people to get any benefit from it. So, not much point, really.

Given all that, I really don’t have much to say. I could go on and on about how good my life is and how well I am doing, but what is the point? Other than making look like a bragging, self indulging moron, not much really. I’m good. I don’t see the point in letting the world now, ad nauseam, that everything is fine. Why rub people’s faces in it?

So, as of this moment, not a lot to write about. Some people who transition speak of the year two “blahs”. This apparently is a feeling of minor depression that happens in the second of year of living full time as your authentic self. That, I haven’t experienced. I’m happy. Really happy.  Sure, I have my days. I think we all do. But over all? Happy! Maybe I will having something more to contribute in a few days. But as of right now? My life is pretty boring. And that is actually nice, for a change. Ho Hum.

I can deal with that!

Life is good, so what’s the problem??

Yup. You’ve heard me say it before, but you’re gonna hear it again. 95% of my life is friggin’ awesome, 5%, not so much. Made it through my transition and moving forward with my life. So what’s the problem, right? As always, it’s in my head. I totally own this. I feel guilty.

I’ve been conditioned over the years, if not decades, to feel guilty about many things. Mostly due to gender dysphoria. I felt guilty of the pain and anguish I caused so many people during my “pre-transition” years. While there is still a bit of that kicking around, it is much much better. The reason that it is still kicking around is that there are still triggers in my life, and at times they get right in my face. Such is the case with my family.

And it is usually around the time of special occasions. Like this upcoming weekend. Labour Day. While not a “special occassion”, it is a time, typically, when families get together. At least ours did. Not anymore. So, that causes a bit of sadness for me. Because it is due to the divorce and the kids feel compelled to divide their time equally between their two parents and the logistics involved etc, etc etc. Knowing that you’re the cause of the breakup can be a bitter pill to swallow.

However, and this is where my adult brain kicks in…at some point, others have to take responsibilities for their own feelings. As my youngest told her mother “it’s been two years, get over yourself”. But as trans people, we harbour the majority of the guilt. It seems to come with the territory. At least it did for me. And that’s something I have to get over.

I am responsible for my feelings and my reactions. I can control those. I can’t control the feelings and reactions of others. That lays at their feet. So I have to learn to let that go. If they make their lives complicated, not much I can do. It they are still upset and angry, not much I can do. Life happens. Move on.

While I love my two girls dearly and with all my heart, at some point, there has to be some tough love. At some point it has to be “really? You’re still on that?” But as a parent, or at least for me, that is really hard to do. We protect our children. We take the bullet for them. That’s what we do. But at some point, it becomes a bit of a life lesson, and focus on being in a happy place, not a bitter place.

I’m not going anywhere. I am who I am, and not going to change. This is me. At some point, don’t we need to move forward as a family as well as individually?? Maybe it’s just me. Am I being too hard on those around me? Everyone’s answer is probably different, as everyone’s situation is different. Trying to move forward. Why spend 95% of my time focusing on the 5%. Maybe it’s time to flip that switch and check out the 95% of my life.

Click.

Great conversations…

This experience falls under the category of “you just never know when…”.

I was at an appointment this morning with an oral surgeon and was speaking with the office manager with whom I was to meet for an hour to review the results of a previous diagnostic appointment and treatment options etc, etc. etc. No biggy. Well, what was supposed to be a one hour appointment became a two hour appointment! This was due to the fact that she had a ton of questions upon learning that I was transgendered.

Now, this is not something that I bring up on a regular basis, trust me on that. We had to go through my medical history, so the whole story around my heart surgery etc, etc, etc. Medications I am on and any other treatments/surgeries that are coming in the future that may impact how well I tolerate the procedure and meds etc. etc. etc. So, as you can imagine, it became pretty clear to her pretty quick that I was trans. That’s when the second hour of the “appointment” started.

She had a ton of questions. All of which lead to a wonderful conversation. She was totally accepting and was actually quite fascinated. While she was supportive in general to the LGBTQ community in general, it was her first opportunity to really engage in a learning opportunity with someone who is trans. And she took full advantage of it! She had a ton a of questions, and some basic misconceptions, just as many in the general public do. So I was glad to provide that information and clarify a lot of what she had been thinking.

She was very apologetic and was hoping that the questions and subsequent conversation was not too invasive or personal. In fact, there were no questions that I had not been asked before by friends or by audiences when I do speaking engagements. But seeing how everyone’s reactions and thoughts are different, it was almost like the first time I had been asked those questions. It was really cool to watch the penny drop and see the many “aha” moments that she experienced.

In the end, she was so appreciative of my honesty and time and felt very honored to have had the opportunity for such a private conversation. Unfortunately, it didn’t result in any discount for the procedure!! Ha Ha. But in the end, I have a new friend and ally. Their practice is now more informed given that I am the first transgendered patient (that they know of, I hastened to add….another aha moment for her). So it was a good use of an hour of my time for sure.

Just goes to show, you never know when…

Transitioning: The ups and downs of the roller coaster…

To say that my journey seeking authenticity had its ups and downs is a gross understatement. But I knew that going in. No surprise there. Okay, a bit of a surprise. While I knew it was going to happen, I just didn’t fully appreciate the extent, the extremes that I would face. Okay, so fair enough. That’s my cross to bare, more accurately, to endure, work through, survive. What I had completely missed, or not anticipated or prepared for, was that people around me would have the same experience. 

For most of my family members, that ride was relatively short lived. But they experienced it none the less. Sure, there are still occasions when they experience a “twinge” as a result of my transition. However, they are now very few and far between. For my youngest, though, it has been a very long  and arduous road to acceptance. For her, it was a huge number of steps backwards initially. She was devastated by the loss of her father. Oh sure, I can say it’s still me, and work on that logical argument. But it was not her brain that was crushed, it was her heart. And I get that. I totally get that. We were really close. Then not at all. Over the next two years, that would be tamed to “one step forward, two steps back”. Which is still moving backwards. That has since changed to “two steps forward, one step back”. 

It is now mostly moving forward, so we are getting back to being close again. Will we ever get back to where we were before? Who knows? I somehow I doubt it. The relationship will never be the same. It will be srong, but different none the less. I try to give her as much time as she needs. That’s the price I have to pay. And I should be the one picking up the tab on this, not her, or anyone else for that matter. But it just doesn’t work that way. Too bad. 

What brought this whole line of thought to the fore front? Well, we really had a good chat over the phone last night. Just over an hour. It was like all of this never happened, but of course it did. Maybe that’s what makes it such a special moment in my story. She called initially to get some advice on an issue at work, in particular with her new assistant. So we chatted about that for a big chunk of time. I think we were able to formulate a strategy together that would address the issue with a “win-win” solution. Not exactly a riveting conversation you say? Fair enough. Perhaps some context would help. 

Immediately upon learning of my transition, she had a very frank conversation with me. Actually, it was more of she talked, I listened, per her instructions. She was totally terrified that she had just completely lost her dad, and all that meant to her. She told me that she went to mom for emotional support and conversations around her feelings etc. She came to me for problem solving, to kick her butt (her words not mine) to stop procrastinating and get on with things, particularly when it came to her career in law – my turf. “The last thing I need is two moms”. That was her final comment. 

So, perhaps now you can see that the conversation last evening was very much like you used to have prior to my transition. It was a glimpse of “two steps forward” that I was so desperately wanting! But I knew she had to get there on her own. No amount of pressure from me was going to help. It fact it would probably have made things worse. I had to give her the time and space to get there on her own. And that, folks, is no mean feat. 

The remainder of the conversation was organizing a weekend together in Toronto. I have to go there to fly out to speak at a corporate event, so we are going to take advantage of that opportunity and spend the evening and next day together before I fly out. Shopping, or dinner and a show, etc. her call. All I care about is spending time with her. She is such an awesome young woman, as is my other daughter.

I have always said, we don’t transition in isolation. We should respect that everyone else around us transitions as well, into a new relationship. Nothing has been more true in my experience. But at least we are getting there. We still have more to go, more work to be done. And who knows, our “new normal” may be better than before. Given that I am happier, more confident, more engaged and just “plugged in”, so to speak, it might just happen. Regardless, I cherish all these great moments. 

Baby steps…

Back in the saddle…

Sigh. Back at work this week. Drinking a little bit from a fire hose right now. On day three of a migraine. So, kinda dragging my butt a bit. Trying not to let it get to me, but that’s kinda hard to do. Haven’t slept very well the past 2 or 3 nights because of it. I probably should be resting more. Been a busy week both at work and socially. Monday evening was an electro appointment. You may not think that is something one would consider social, but she is one of my best friends. We tell each other e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g….so it’s kind of a chat, bitch session, and therapy for both of us all rolled into one. And with the need for electro all but gone, we actually spend most of our time on our weekly walk. So it’s good.

Tuesday, went to see a movie with a friend. Decided I needed to get out of the house so off we went. That is always a good time! Wednesday I crashed as soon as I got home. Between migraine, meds, and just feeling icky, I went to bed early. But while it was somewhat restful, not exactly a great sleep. Yesterday was a retirement party for a colleague at work. I’ve know him for 17 years, so I really wanted to be there for him and his awesome family. Glad I went. But it was also tiring.

Then the usual phone calls with my sister and my daughters…which are never shorter than an hour. But it’s all good. This is just my life. Normal, everyday life of a middle aged woman. So trying not to complain too much about stuff.

This weekend promises to be better. Off to the boat. Looking after a friend of mine’s puppy on Friday night while she is at a wedding, so that will be good. Rambo is an awesome dog, loves to snuggle with me, so we’ll go for a walk, have dinner, play ball a bit then settle into to watch a movie or read a book or something until his mom comes home. The rest of the time will be full on relax. Not much planned, that’s for sure. So probably just relax with a few friends on whatever boat we decide to gather on, read, nap, etc. Really don’t care if the weather isn’t great. I’ll just curl up on the couch and either watch a movie or read. If I stay awake!! Ha ha.

I am very fortunate in that I have so many new friends at the marina, and I am now “aunty Erin” to 4 or 5 dogs. They all stop by the boat as they are going down the dock, looking for a rub and a bit of play time. A few of them jump on board, entering into the upper salon. It’s awesome! Three of them are labs, one chocolate and two yellow, so I am right in my element. They are all so hilarious!

So right now, it’s the little things that keep me going. Next week promises to be a bit better. Work won’t be as ridiculous. I’ll have more time to write. Have another radio show to do, which is good. That is so fun to do, and really quite easy.  Being a guest commentator, I simply just answer question they ask about a given topic, so no prep needed.

No drama, no disasters, no crisis….at least not yet. So I’m just going with the flow that is my new normal. But trust me there was a time I never thought I would have that. Normalcy. But I gotta say, it is a good thing. To live a happy, albeit somewhat boring life, is such a cool thing to experience. No dysphoria. No misgendering. No confrontations. It’s times like these that I realize I am so fortunate. And I do know that I am fortunate, and this may not be the norm for people in my community. That in and of itself, is actually quite sad. I need to try to be better and helping out. Just this week has been a bit icky.

But I am going to try….

 

Biting my tongue…again…

Yet again, a bit of an issue popped up on the family front on the weekend. I won’t go into to details as it is private, but suffice to say that I was pissed. My response, once I had taken some time to try to cool off, was guarded. The reason being is that I am trying to take the high road and not throw anyone under the bus, in particular anyone in my family. This especially applies to anything involving my two wonderful girls when it comes to their mother. I try to support their relationship with their mother, and encourage them to spend time together. She is their mother and there is a lot of love there, as there should be. (Too bad that wasn’t being reciprocated. Sigh.)

It serves no purpose to demonize her in front of the kids. Well, actually, it does. It would make me feel a whole better about stuff!! But, while this journey is about me, it’s not about me alone. Everyone around me is also transitioning, trying to find the new normal that works for them. For some, that happens quicker than others. Some may need more of a gentle touch. And I get that. It had 55 years to wrestle this thing to the ground. I can’t expect them to wrap their heads around it in 30 seconds.

Having said that, I am getting friggin’ tired of being the only one taking the high road. Cuz my ex sure isn’t. So I smile and put on a good face and respond how lovely it is for them to do whatever (insert family event here), and glad that you had a good time. I’ve been told that I have to maintain the status quo. In fact, I am not able to tell al ot of my story and my pain of having gender dysphoria to my girls, or my ex. She doesn’t want to hear it. She doesn’t want my girls to hear it.

So I am expected to listen to how much my transition has impacted them. All their difficulties, sadness, anger etc. But I can’t tell them how much I suffered. I know it would not be an easy thing for them to hear. I understand that. And perhaps it would do them more harm than good. And at the end of the day, it would only make me feel better. So what is the point?

As a parent, it is my job to protect my children, to do what is best for them, to sacrifice, for them. So I do. But at times, it’s not easy. For this particular instance, it’s also frustrating. And unfair….I think. But I do it. So I bite my tongue, sit on my hands, count to 10 (okay more like 100…a few times). I don’t respond, I don’t send that email or text. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I scream and yell, curse and swear, and cry. But I don’t send it. I protect my girls. The hard part is that with other things, that is not who I am. I mean I am super protective of my girls when it comes to other people. You can mess with me all you want, but you don’t mess with my girls. This mama dragon will breath hell fire all over you. And it won’t be pretty.

Someday, there may come a time when I can unload all of this on my ex. To tell her just how bad it was. Why I was in no shape to support her or the marriage because I was literally just hanging on by a thread, and it was already frayed and stretched to the max. To tell her that at least I am still here, because the alternative was very real. So, I do what I am told, what is expected of me. Keep the family peace. But it is wearing thin, so some day, at some point, people will hear what they have been avoiding, whether they like it or not.

Until then, my tongue is getting really sore….