December 29, 2015

It has been a bit quiet the past few days in my life, hence the lack of post. But quiet is very good. I am enjoying some time to sleep in, read, cook and just hang out in my house with my pup. This is when you realize just how tired you really are. As one dear friend told me, you can only go at 150% for so long before you crash and burn and that has been the last 2 months for me.

 

Having said that, I am getting out. Going for walks everyday on the shore, and lunch of movies with friends. Nice and easy, which is working for me right now really well.

 

One thing that I have been thinking about is how my friends have reacted. And so far, touch wood, I haven’t lost any friends. But what I recently have noticed, is that I have made a lot of new ones, both cis and trans. When comes to loosing and gaining friends, I have come to the conclusion that the number of friends you can loose is finite, but the number of new friends you can make is infinite. So with that thought, I move forward, everyday.

 

I do miss being with my girls. It was a great Christmas for that, but they are of an age when they do have their own lives and also need some down time on their own to recharge and get ready for the new year. So, I get that.

 

So, I just keep on doing my thing right now. Going to lunch with a friend tomorrow and then a movie in the evening with another friend. Jeez, but day I guess….I feel an afternoon nap coming on !! Ha Ha….

 

and so it goes….

 

December 26, 2015

Well, another Christmas has come and gone. But this will be one to remember. Sure, things have changed in my family dynamic…I am separated, soon to be divorced and my youngest daughter is struggling with both my transition and what she sees as the destruction of her family. That all being said…if you asked my this time last year if I would be alive to see Christmas 2015, I would have been hard pressed to say yes. But…here I am. And doing much better at this stage of the game that I ever could have imagined. I not going to do a whole “year in review” thing….that is not my thing. But this Christmas, all things considered, was pretty darn good. I was able to spend the afternoon, dinner, and evening with my two girls here at the house. Made the pretty much traditional dinner and everything turned out perfectly! We exchanged gifts, ate waaaay to much and played a favourite card game of my daughters.

 

Sure, the day started out quiet and my girls were with their mother of the morning and lunch. But that gave me some time to just relax, sleep in a bit, get things ready for dinner, and generally putt around the house. Also, it gave me the opportunity to go for an hour long walk along the shore, essentially just down the end of my street. That has always been one of my most favourite places to walk as such was the case again yesterday.

 

So, all in all…..things went better than I expected, so I am going to take the win….even though it may be only a small victory, and do my little happy dance.

 

December 25, 2015

Had a really nice afternoon/evening with my two girls yesterday. We didn’t do any of the traditional things we used to do, at the request of my youngest. So, we just hung out. Played cards in the afternoon, watched a movie, ordered in Chinese….completely different from what we used to do as a family. Who knows, maybe that will be OUR new “tradition”???

 

Today, the girls are at their mothers this morning…then coming to my house later this afternoon for gifts and dinner etc. So, hopefully, that will work out okay for them. It gives me some time this morning to prep a few things for dinner, then a bit of down time. If the rain holds off, I think I will go for a walk along the shore, then snuggle in, get a fire going and watch a movie or something.

 

I am actually doing better than I thought I would??? I am not going to over analyze it….just going to go with it and enjoy it….Merry Festivous!! Ha ha……

 

December 23, 2015

Never a dull moment when one ventures in the time sucking vortex that is Costco, particularly at this time of year. But, venture I did….

 

Only had a few sort of last minute items to pick up, found them, and got in line for the checkout. Now, recall that my Costco ID and photo are in male mode, so that means that I have to be in male mode in order to checkout. (Yes, our Costco does check the IDs very closely for everyone, as we will so learn…)

 

I hand the cashier my card and am getting out my debit card to pay, when she looks the photo, and looks at me….looks at the photo, looks at me, and then says “Who is this?” I reply “excuse me”…..she says, pointing to the photo on the card, “where is he?” So, I suddenly get the issue. So, I force my voice down an octave to my male voice and calmly said “that’s me”. Well…did she every get flustered….and said “I’m so sorry!!!”

 

I told her not to worry about it, that it was actually kinda funny and she started to laugh as well, and away I went.

 

Now, for a bit of context…I have been pushing electro pretty hard so that my face is pretty well cleared (until the next growth cycle I figure), and I had just shaved. I wear mostly women’s cloths now even in male mode, so had on my usual pair of jeans, a long sleeve T shirt type top, a women’s hoody, so that has a bit of shape to it (and I am starting to develop noticeable “boobage”) and a ball cap on. No makeup, and my hair was not in a pony tail as I usually do, call me lazy today. That’s about as close I get to “Male mode”.

 

So, I don’t know what she saw, but obviously she thought I no longer looked like my picture on the card. Now, I know, the quality of those photos is suspect at best, and I am no where near ready to go into the world and pass without make up etc. But it was interesting to experience the notion that my features are changing and I no longer look like some of my male IDs.

 

So, to quote that somewhat confused cashier……”Have a nice day….NEXT!!”

 

December 22, 2015

years ago when in my teens and early 20s, yes, back in the dark ages….music was pretty much my world. I played and wrote a lot, and played some “coffee houses” when in university. I even cut a demo tape of 12 songs for an album to be titled “For the Record”, but that didn’t go anywhere. Then my life went sideways, some minor squirmishes with GD etc etc, and I stopped listening to music for the most part and didn’t pick up an instrument for decades. (with the exception of accompanying my daughters at their annual music recitals. I sold off some of my guitars (still have 2 left) and one 88 key keyboard.

 

So now, fast forward to the modern era….I have really gotten back into music, big time. I enjoy it for the sake of enjoying it again. It has been decades since the last time I lay on a couch to do nothing but listen to music, but now I do it on a regular basis. I think it has helped to relax, but more importantly, brought back an important and good part of who I am. Getting in touch with the real me has not only made me much happier, but allowed to get back to what is important in life..to me.

 

Fa la la la la…..la la….la…..LAAAAAAA !

 

 

December 19, 2015

 

Had a very interesting conversation with my oldest daughter last night. Fortunately for me, she is my biggest cheer leader!! We were talking about plans for the holidays and who would be where, when (ie with me or with their mother). Given that I have the house and it is much bigger than my ex’s apartment, she is probably going to stay with me the entire time, but spend time during the day with her mother, which is fine with me. My message to her is to spend as much time as she needs to for her sake. I know we are good, so I am not concerned about us…I would rather she gets what she needs for her right now.

However, it is not the same story for my youngest who is struggling quite a bit with everything. She has not even seen a picture of me, let alone spend time with me as Erin, so whenever she is around, I have to be in “male mode”. While it is somewhat difficult for me, I can pull it off for short periods of time. She knows the exact date I am going to be full time, so she is aware of everything, she is just taking her time getting there. Whenever she sees me, she gives me a big hug. She told me she loves me, and she is not going anywhere, she just needs more time, so I am going to do everything I can to do that for her. After all, we don’t transition in isolation. So the upshot of all of this, is that whenever the three of us (my daughters and me) are together, I will have to be in “male mode”.

 

As we spoke about this last night, my oldest commented that she could only imagine how difficult this would be for me. But then she said that she was very frustrated with her younger sister, as this accommodation makes it very hard on her too. She is quite comfortable with me know as Erin, but to go back and forth over the holidays is something that she is not looking forward to all. She said it is going to screw with her brain on her conception of me and she knows she will mess up pronouns, calling me she when I am in Male Mode, etc.

 

My sister told me the same thing when I went to visit her last month for a week. While I had no intention of being in male mode at anytime, she told me flat out to note bounce back and forth. She wanted and needed to be with her sister the entire time and it work out amazingly!!

 

So just goes to show this is difficult for everybody and having to bounce back and forth is hard for everyone.

 

Oh what a tangled web we weave…..

 

December 18, 2015

It is interesting…there is starting to be enough people that only know me as Erin, that the level of comfort in interactions is noticeably improving….

 

I know that everyone is trying to work on getting pronouns correct etc, but in a recent meeting, a newer acquaintance just matter of factly stated she was going “to send the report to Erin, and she will distribute to everyone in the room.” A small thing, but just the way she said it made be smile…big time….

 

Little things in this journey are so important…..

 

 

December 15, 2015

You know something is just not right with the world when your dog gets more mail than you do!?!?!

 

Last night I get home, and in the mailbox, there is a small treat bag of homemade dog snacks for my puppy that the neighbour makes every year for the neighbourhood pups, and a Christmas card for her from one of the Kennels I use. And….and…..What do I get?!?!? My utility bill…..nothing says Merry Christmas like a utility bill…

 

Oh well…..

 

December 13, 2015

Had a good chat with my boss on Friday. Every 6 weeks or so, we sit down for about an hour and chat. Not about work directly. She wants to check in with me and get an update about how I am doing personally. I am the one that initially suggested when I came out to her, but she is the one now that reminds me that she would like an update. So, we chat about anything I want to about how I am doing. I drive the agenda.

 

She continues to be super supportive and gets a bit concerned when things get chaotic as she wants to really take care of myself. She shared some resources that she has found to make sure I am aware of them. Also, she always has an ear to the ground to see if there is any “scuttle-butt” about me going around, but she hasn’t heard of anything to date.

 

I am so very fortunate to be so well supported, both personally and professionally!!

 

December 8, 2015

A very reassuring visit to the cardiologist this morning. Last week I had a stress test done and they did find something on it, so they sent me off to a cardiologist. He (along with my family doctor) thinks it is nothing, but since it did find something, he wants to chase it down and really make sure. So, some time in the next few week, I am off to nuclear medicine for another, different type, of stress test. He said that on the initial stress test, they had my heart rate up to 180 beats per minute when something showed up, which quickly disappeared when it dropped down below 180. He said that the machines tend to act wonky anyway once it gets up that high, so he also things it is a “false positive”. So, this is not over yet….But I am glad that he is being thorough. I really need to have my mind at ease. He also told me to go ahead and start running again, so I take that as a good sign.

 

Oh, and on another positive note….having a great hair day!!!! Ha ha ha !! (ya, gotta laugh along this journey or you will go nuts…)

 

December 5, 2015

Had a very fun and interesting afternoon today. A friend of mine is a makeup artist. She used to be floor manager at our Sephora store. She was always my “go-to girl” for all things cosmetic. Now, she has started her own business as a makeup consultant and has been working as a makeup artist for theatre, movies, and private consulting. She has always wanted to work with the Trans community and has always been so wonderful with me, and we are now good friends outside of her business as well. Anywho, she spent this afternoon at my Trans Family support group, and gave make up lessons, general information and tips and two make overs. It was fun to see everyone so involved….they really liked it. Everyone appreciated that she donated her time and skills for the girls. It was quite fun. And, I learned how to do the ol’ “Smokey eyes” in about 6 minutes…..BONUS !!

 

Anyway, it was a fun afternoon, and it was good to see someone that is genuinely interested in helping us as we go along our journey.

 

Oh, and much to my surprise, another friend who just had SRS with Dr. Brossard in Montreal was able to make it. It was so great to see her. She is going great, and couldn’t say enough good things about Brassard and the clinic. Makes me feel good about my choice for SRS with Brassard when the time comes…..

 

And now, back to reality…..dinner dishes are calling my name…..sigh….

 

December 2, 2015

Just what the Dr. ordered….

 

Yesterday my youngest daughter dropped in at my office totally unexpected and gave me the biggest hug ever!! I can’t begin to say how good that was! She has been slow to adapt to my transition, so sometimes things are a little distant between us. So, she finally came up for air and had a few minutes to stop and chat. It was wonderful! She looks great and appears to be in a pretty good space in her head, which is good to see. Turns out she had been preparing for trial and is swamped, but that is done. She still has a bunch of work to do before her break starts on Dec 18., so I think she is going to be okay, just busy.

 

Anyway, it was so great to get that hug……we are getting there, and we will be fine…