October 29, 2015

So, it has been an interesting week. I am over in Saudi Arabia on a consulting job. This means I had to be in “male mode” 24/7 for 8 days as my passport and entry visa etc, are all male mode. I figured it was going to be a challenge, but H.O.L.Y. crap. I had a minor melt down on the flight over, and another one the other night. It totally sucks. On the plus side, I have learned a lot about the culture. Met some very nice people and had the chance to meet with and get to know a few amazing women that work for the client. So, while it was very tough on my psyche, I think that the experience has been worthwhile. Problem is, I think I did to good a job as they are talking about wanting me back for a bunch of times over the next two years. In fact, somehow, they did an article in the local paper with me in the picture with the group of clients, so……

October 22, 2015

Interesting “episode” last night (for lack of a better word)….Woke up in the middle of the night, around 3:00 I guess, experiencing a very different feeling…..one of calm, but also a general euphoria. I really can’t explain it. I have never experienced this before. I am wondering if it is the start of my brain latching onto the estrogen?? Whatever the reason, it was awesome!! I have been rushing around like a mad woman, clearly my work load at the office, packing etc and getting ready for a consulting gig in Saudi Arabia. So, no ready, sitting in the first-class lounge waiting to board, and feeling tremendously balanced. Very novel feeling…..and I LIKE IT !!

 

so will probably be off line for the next 10 days as there is no guarantee of internet access where I am going….

October 20, 2015

Despite some minor unforeseen challenges….I did manage to get my prescription for E from Endo yesterday. It was a long appointment, filled with lots of good info and some great support and suggestions on her part. We talked about surgery, she gave me my letter to for gender marker change for my official identification etc. We had a good chat about E. I feel in good hands. I really like her, she is on the ball and very knowledgable and supportive. I was quite calm on the way home (2 hour drive) despite the fact that I had the long waited for prescription in my purse. Perhaps somewhat anti-climatic even??? However, all that change when, again, despite a few challenges, I got the prescription filled and I was at home with those wonderful little blue pills in my hot little hands. Yup, Happy Dance hit! It really hit me then, quite hard. I have waited for this for soooo long, and now I am really on my way! I was so happy, I celebrated the day with 2 hours of electrolysis….

 

So, now, stick to my routine, eat well, exercise, get some sleep and let the meds work their magic. It is now a waiting game……let’s see what the next months and years bring.

October 18, 2015

Interesting day today. Had the “chat” with the last of my significant neighbours. Retired couple, both were high school teachers. They are both very caring and sweet. Couldn’t have gone any better. They said they were very happy that I could be who I was really meant to be, and told me that they were touched I felt comfortable enough with them to share such a life story and that they respected me very much and know that there is great love for me in their house and they are there if I need anything at all. Phew! I still find these conversations a little nerve wracking…..

 

Then had to go to work for a while. I met a good colleague for coffee at Starbucks (there is one in our building – so that is a no brainer). It was quite busy so we just got in line and chatted. No one batted an eye. We hung out for a bit with our coffee before going our separate ways to our respective offices. Again no issues. Always good to take a break and chat. Made the day at work that much more tolerable, for a Sunday.

 

On a side note, apparently, the door to our suite of offices didn’t lock behind me automatically as it should, so the security guard found it open on his rounds, so SOP is he has to clear all the offices. So he came to mine. Now, I know this guy really well given the hours I work, but thought to myself…..oh oh…..I don’t think they got the memo yet…..so I chickened out and said that I am working with my partner on something and he will be right back…..he bought it. But note to self…Make sure your security is in the loop !!!

October 17, 2015

Attended a memorial service for a colleague at work….VP in another department. 70 years. A truly remarkable man, a mentor and colleague to me. Probably 250 people there, nice turnout. What struck me was the eulogy delivered on behalf of the family by his daughter. She spoke of his strength, wisdom, love and dedication to the family as a father and grandfather. It got me to thinking….how would my daughters address this…..”Our dad was (enter adjective/noun)….. and SHE always (enter verb)…..”

 

Not sure why my brain went there. Strange where it wants to wander sometime. ??????

October 12, 2015

Just got back from an outing on my own to see a movie. One of the final lines:

 

“One shouldn’t leave this world without a sense of completion.”

 

A simple, yet complex statement. Think about it.

October 11, 2015

Good thing I don’t sleep on my stomach much…..breasts are getting sore and more sensitive…..which is a GOOD thing!!

October 8, 2015

Thank god for therapists….I know many don’t believe in them, but if you have a good one……

 

I have been having a really crappy week. Thankfully I had a scheduled session with my therapist for last night. Timing is everything they say….Anywho, it was good to unload, get some perspective and a few strategies for coping when things like I was chatting about pop up. I walked out of there with a spring in my step and grin on my face, feeling much better about myself, my life, and where I am in my transition. Support like that is priceless…….

 

I am now looking forward to the long holiday weekend (Thanksgiving here in Canada). Phew….

October 6, 2015

well, one of those days…..Miss grumpy pants…….

 

In quiet times, my mind sometimes likes to talk a walk without a flashlight and sit in the dark…..That’s been the past 36 hours. No clue why….it just does….

 

I think about how much my ex and her family now hate me….after over 30 years of a very loving and caring relationship, after looking after her parents, taking them on vacations just so they can collect themselves and be in a positive environment. Now, that all changed in one day. Boom. Gone. What is bizarre is that my family is still in contact with my wife. That is fine with me. They have over 30 years of friendship and are being adult about it. I am good with it. The rule of engagement is that they are not allowed to talk about me in any way, and if that starts to happen, by sister (as example), shuts the conversation down. Getting slapped a few times on the nose with a newspaper gets my Ex’s attention. On the other hand, my Ex’s family treat me as if I never existed. I don’t know why it bothers me, but some days it does.

 

Why can’t everyone just be adults about all of this??? I know, I know…this is an emotional reaction, not a cerebral one, but still……argghhhh.

 

But such is life. I will probably grumble about it for a few more days, then pack up the pity party and get on with my life…..and be all the better for it…..

October 1, 2015

 

Well, I just couldn’t do it. Big day today at work. Announcing the signing of a $50 million deal, major press event yadda, yadda, yadda. Command performance of all of us, so everyone on their best behaviour, business attire, etc. But I just couldn’t do it. Wear a suit and tie. So went with mock turtle neck with blazer. Fortunately, as my boss knows everything, he understands and is cool with it. Thanks goodness!! That is one of the reasons why I wanted him in the know. So, now at least, I can feel comfortable for the day and get into the spirit of the event. A really big day for us, and one of the reasons no has had much sleep the past two months……