February 28, 2015

Quiet night last night. Wife out of town. So just hanging out. Thought I would do some work on my voice. While one of the most rewarding aspects of passing when you get it right, it sure is frustrating when you don’t. I really does take a lot of work! I practiced a bunch of different exercises, but not tremendously successful. Recorded my voice numerous times, but not pleased with any of them. But it is early days yet on that front. Patience. Patience.

I think this is one of those aspects where I am my own worst enemy. I don’t think I am able to be objective about my voice. So I am going to try to do some more recordings and then get a few folks to listen to them and get their take on it. I have not been very conscious about it when I have been out and about in the past, but I am now. Maybe it is a result of moving more along the path of transition that I am really taking things more seriously?? Don’t know. But I know I really need to work on it, and can’t be soon enough. Many trans women have commented that their voice is something they started to work on long before they went full time. Now I really know why and have a much better appreciation of how much work it takes. I am so looking forward to being able to just naturally hit a female voice and stay there comfortably….forever!!!

Until then, “me, me, me, me….my, my, my, my…the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain”….

February 27, 2015

Had my first session with my new gender therapist in Ottawa (2 hours away from me). The nice thing about her practice is that she is willing to use Skype to conduct the session by video conference, so that is a big bonus for me! All in all, I must say that I am really pleased with how things went. Now, make no mistake, she is a gatekeeper. I have to get a recommendation from her to get to see one of the two Endos in Ottawa that specialize in TG clients. But it is not too onerous, and she was very positive with my situation. She spoke about the various options for HRT and by the end of the session had a good idea of what would work for me, but that will get fine tuned over the next two sessions. She also spoke about how we could work together to plan coming out at work and going full time and what kind of timeline would work for me based upon what I would like to achieve.

She is very experienced, having done this about 15 years. Her youngest client that transitioned was 17, her oldest was 73. So there is hope for this old dog! We appear to be on the same page for most things, though my timeline was more conservative than necessary. Although everyone is different in how they react to HRT, her experience with my age is that it is a bit quicker than I was thinking, but then I took a really conservative approach so as not to be disappointed. The old “plan of the worst, anything better is bonus” approach. She also thought that physically, I am a good candidate, in good shape, a good diet and work out routine, facial structure is already in a good starting place etc. She did state she would suspect I would need forehead work and a nose job (which I expected), but everything else should feminize nicely. But that would have to wait until HRT has had time to work. The same with overall body shape. Wait for HRT to work before making any decisions. I already knew that from the wise counsel I have received here, so nothing new, but again, shows we are on the same page.

She also has a great deal of experience working with spouses and couples. And while she has seen my couples split, it is not out of the question for couples to stay together, especially at my age. Her experience is that for couples at this stage, it is more about companionship and friendship than sex, so that is why some couples do stay together. I guess her point was not to automatically assume that the marriage will have to end. Having heard all of this, she hasn’t meant my wife yet, so her opinion might change on that one !!! ???

All in all though, a good session. She is well respected and connected. I think she knows what she is doing, and I am very comfortable with her. She was positive in her outlook for me given my history and all the work I have done to date. This means the assessment will not take as long as “normal” as we are not starting from square one.

She expects to be able to get me to see an endo mid summer as the wait time is about 6-8 weeks, and as they won’t proceed without her assessment, which won’t be complete until April, that a sounds about right. I am happy to do it properly and not concerned about fast. At this point, what is a month or two delay?? And she is very familiar with the SRS clinic in Montreal, having seen her clients have great success there. She is also familiar with the name change process, the paper work involved and how to get the health care system to pay for SRS and is happy to help with that.

So, it all works for me!

February 26, 2015

“Attention all personnel….stand down from battle stations. Return status to DefCon 5….”

 

So, not as bad as I had envisioned. Yesterday, I was wearing a more summer style sleeveless T-Shirt (picture a cami, but in cotton,) underneath my sweater for an additional layer of warmth. Apparently the outline of the “straps” showed through my sweater. My wife thought I was wearing a sports bra under my sweater, lost it, and just wanted me out of her sight.

 

When I got home last night, I showed her it was a T-shirt. She felt a bit sheepish. I pushed back a bit and told her it is just a friggin’ t-shirt, get over it. She totally backed down and was calm again. I also now that she had a tough day dealing with a serious personnel issue, so I changed the topic to chat with her about that to try to help her through it and everything calmed down.

 

The take away from all of this is that she is still hyper sensitive and totally non supportive of all of this. I am in a mind set where I also go to worst case scenario before anything really happens and work on assumption. And, for the first time, I pushed back a bit, and did not succumb to any intimidation from her and I think that caught her off guard. (She knows that all she has had to do is threaten to move out of the bedroom and I immediately capitulate.) So that was new.

 

So, back to situation “normal”, such as it is….

 

February 25, 2015

So, I knew it was going to be a tough week. Working late every night, getting home around 10:00 – 10:30 three nights this week. Got a migraine last night, took meds when I got home and it was gone, only to resurface around 4:00 a.m. Took more meds this morning, I still have it, but it is relatively mild, so I am able to function, but it is in the background, nagging at me.

 

On top of that, something is going on with my wife. She is not happy, so I did something to really upset her. I am not sure what that is. Well, not totally true, as there maybe one thing that I said. I got back from my usual walk with the dog to pronounce that I had met up with the “three crazies” (as I call them) and stated that “I can’t take it anymore. All I want to do is have a quiet walk with my dog and get back in where it is warm. They constantly get in my way”. I was cold, frustrated and yes, I was at the end of my rope with these people.

 

Context?? Briefly, there are three retired single people that walk there little lap dogs every morning. They carry dog treats with them, and love to feed them to my dog, which of course, loves that. She remembers who carries food, so as soon as she sees them, she wants to get to them for the food. These people go out of their way to get to us, to the point that they will completely change direction from where they were planning to go to “track us down”. Now, they are harmless, and as they are single and retired, crave human contact, I get that. But they have been up for a few hours, and are fully awake and ready to chat and socialize, have all the time in the world as they don’t have any where they have to be by 8:00 a.m. Not true for me. I have been up for about 10 minutes, not fully awake. All I want to do is have a gently start to my day and enjoy a quiet walk with my beloved pup of 14 years. I don’t want to talk about current events, or listen as one tries to explain to the other the “American Sniper” trial, what happened and the movie etc. I just want to get home. I try to extricate myself from the conversation, but they turn and follow me all the way home. This happens every time.

 

So, this morning, being tired, head achy and frustrated by them, I took it out, I guess, on my wife. It may have been the final straw so to speak. I have been somewhat depressed lately due to winter (I have Seasonal Affect Disorder), and then this whole GD thing. Maybe my comment or demeanour put her over the edge, don’t know. What I do know is that something will happen when I get home tonight. I am not sure what, but something. Could range from me trying to get it out of her what is going on, which will end up in a very long conversation regarding my GD etc. – to her moving out of our bedroom or asking me to. I don’t think that it will be to the point where she will ask me to leave the house, but I wouldn’t take that off the table. She is pretty single minded and once she makes up her mind, there is no changing it.

 

The one thing I am sure of is that it will be my fault. And now I am upset, that I have caused her to be upset, and sad, and frustrated. I hate it. I hate it all. I hate with this hole GD thing is doing. But I know that I can’t bottle it up in the hopes it will go away. I am shaking as I type this.

 

So, is this the start of the slippery slope of ending things at home? Don’t know. I am thinking of calling her at work, but that might just set her off again, and she wouldn’t appreciate that. But something is going to break and it will probably be tonight when I get home, and it probably isn’t going to be pretty.

 

I knew it was going to be a tough week…

edit note

 

February 24, 2015

So, an interesting conundrum that is spinning around in my furry little brain for some bizarre reason. Don’t know how I got here, don’t know why I got here, but here I be. What do you do when you feel that you can’t be a contributing member of society as your male self, and society doesn’t want you to be a contributing member when you are (or become) who you are meant to be…ie your female self ???

 

That appears to be where I am at since about 3:00 a.m. As my male self, I don’t like who or what I am, and don’t feel there is anything I want to give or can give to society. On the other hand, as Erin, my immediate circle doesn’t want much to do with me, and at times, from listening to/reading the accounts of others, and some of my direct observations, society really doesn’t want Erin around. Not a great place to be, stuck between a rock and a crazy place. But here I sit. I guess this is why therapists (and divorce lawyers) get rich ?!?!?

 

 

February 23,2015

This week is going to be busy and a bit icky as I have a number of individual and group client meetings. This means dressing more business like as the male me, which I always hate. ICK. I find that it takes me longer each time to decide on what to wear as male me on these occasions. As I really don’t look good in anything, I waffle back and forth, trying to find the best of the worst, and nothing feels comfortable. On the other hand, I would know in a heart beat exactly what to wear as Erin. Those decisions are easy to make. Dress slacks/skirt, blouse, blazer/sweater, done. Though I still suck at accessorizing, but I think that is only because I don’t have much right now…..shopping trip!!!

 

So, it will be a looong week. Oh well, only 26 more days ’til Spring….(glass half full thinking)

February 22, 2015

Well, almost outed by technology. My company over went a software upgrade last week for our email. The front end, or client side, remain the same, but it was all back end as we migrated to a new server base. That is about as much techie stuff that I understand, so apologies to all those out there if I got this somewhat screwed up. Anywho, in the process, we were told we had to re-register our email address, so I did. And voila, everything was still there. Perfect ! For our portable devices (iPads and iPhones) we had to uninstall the email account and reinstall, and voila, everything was still there. Perfect ! Well, not quite. It turns out that my “new” work email grabbed the signature block from my private email account on my iPhone, which is Erin, so emails from my work account on my phone were to go out with that signature vs the signature block for male me at work. Fortunately, I think I caught it in time, but not 100% sure. I have not heard anything back as of yet. So we will wait and see.

 

Almost like the TG gods are trying to tell me something??

February 21, 2015

Wow, my nails are really brittle these days. I can’t keep my fingernails long at all. I suspect the cold weather up here. Nothing else has changed so I am assuming. Just Today I broke two more. Ugh!! But, it was for a good cause. I was at the movies with my wife and daughter (went to see kingsmen). Anyway 2/3 of the way through he movie, an elderly gentleman in the row in front of us gets up to exit the theatre. I pay no attention. Next thing I know I see three or four people huddled in the aisle. I see he is down. So I jump up to get to him. He is awake, alert and mobile. After a quick assessment he is up and I am walking him out of the theatre. I get him to the washroom which the management sealed off for me, assess what is going on, stop the bleeding on a minor injury from the fall, get him cleaned up reunited with his wife. We get him bandaged up and he is fine. Turns out, he just needed to get to the men’s room, and slipped on the stairs in the dark. He is going to be bruised and sore tomorrow. But he is fine. He didn’t want EMS or go to the hospital, and was good by the time he was ready to leave. So, broke a few nails, and missed the end of the movie, but such as life. At least my reflexes are still good, but wouldn’t have been able to help him in the men’s room if I wasn’t the male me. So, it worked out, today…

 

Just another day on the journey…

February 20, 2015

Well, one more laser treatment done. Still curls my toes, and not in a good way !!

 

Progress being made. Certainly some bare patches which is great, but the usual stubborn patches on the corner of the chin and over the lip. Which for me happens to be the most sensitive spot. Ouchhhh ! They suspect probably 3 more sessions and I will be done. Then off to electro (stupid grey hair) Aging sucks! But, on the other hand, it is better than the alternative….

 

One nice thing I did notice earlier this week is that my skin is much smoother along my jaw line. The other day, I was outside, bundled up, and turned by head quickly, all I felt was the smooth soft fabric of my scarf. No scratching of the material on beard stubble. Just silky smooth against the soft scarf. It was heaven!! I am so looking forward to that for the rest of my face!

 

Onward and upward

February 19, 2015

Quite a surprise yesterday, in a good way…for a change! Got an email from the Director of the Gender Centre here in town. She has been trying to find names of local Dr.s and endo for HRT. As you may recall, I thought we had found a family Dr in town that had agreed to monitor HRT for other TG clients in the city. But alas, when I called the other day, I was told she was not taking on any new patients. So, I sent a note to the Dr at the Centre, letting her know what had transpired just to keep her in the loop. Well, low and behold, she sent a note to me yesterday voicing her frustration or “Grrrr” as she put it, and said she was going to call the Drs office to advocate on my behalf. !! . Now, keep in mind that this wonderful person has not received any payment from me at all, but simply doing this out of the kindness of her heart. Bless her !

 

I know that the answer from the family Dr. may still be NO!, but it is sure nice to have someone willing to take on your battles !! So, one happy girl right now.

 

And yes, Carni, kind sir, once more around on the roller coaster if you would, as it appears I am not to get off just yet…

 

February 18, 2015

Had my monthly session with my therapist yesterday. Was another good session. She was complementary about my hair and makeup and just overall look. Looking very “put together”. Also like my somewhat “smokey, sultry” voice as Erin. But In know I really need to work on that. Anywho, bottom line is that she feels I am getting stronger, certainly presenting stronger in my Erin persona vs male persona. She feels better about my ability to deal with a “blowup” on the home front if it comes to that. I am still dealing with a lot of guilt about not being what my wife needs – a truly male figure. But that is to be expected. She would be concerned if I didn’t have issues with causing my wife pain. However, I am making headway in preparing myself for separation if it comes to that. Which I think it will. She was very pleased that I am doing things to prepare myself and getting stronger, so I am to continue that.

 

She is most curious to learn what the gender therapist in Ottawa (that I am meeting with next week) is going to say and her approach. The Ottawa therapist is the gate keeper to an endo, so not sure if she is going to get me to start from scratch, which would sorta suck. My therapist here told me to have the Ottawa therapist call her after the first consultation if things look like they are going back to square one. She is more than happy to work with her to try to avoid that.

 

She also commented that despite some set backs (finding a local Dr), things seem to be falling into place much more than when we started this discussion some 15 years ago. Everyone and everything in its time. I wasn’t ready back then but she feels that I am sooo ready now. I feel as though I am making progress despite some faltering steps, but overall, in a better place than where I was six months ago.

 

So, the beat goes on….

February 17, 2015

SET BACK…again…

 

Finally got through to the Dr office here in town regarding doing my HRT follow up. Was told quite curtly by the receptionist that she is not taking any new patients, so an appointment is not possible. So, back to square uno.

February 16, 2015

Doing better today. Migraine is gone. Sunny and warmer, -26C. Sad when that is warmer!!

Read an interesting passage the other day, can’t remember where, but the thought did stick with me. It was something like:

Those that don’t have the courage to follow their dreams discourage others from following theirs.

While quite thought provoking, I think there is an aspect of almost the opposite. For many, including on this site, they decide not to follow their dream and not transition. I think that takes takes just as much courage if not more than transitioning. Okay, I know, I haven’t transitioned, so I know not of what I speak personally. For me, to not transition and maintain the status quo, would take more strength than I have. I don’t think I would have the courage. To not become my true self, would not be pretty, pun intended. I would be a mess and not sure if I would survive in the long run. So for those that don’t follow their dream, I think they have a great deal of courage.

 

Just my thought for the day.

 

February 15, 2015

Not been one of my better weekends so far. And it is all on me. Valentine’s day, ugh. Got my wife a card, she did not get me anything, but that is normal. I have always professed that it is a day created by Hallmark to simply increase sales. Ya, a bit cynical I know, but if that is the only time you tell your SO how much you love them, that is pretty sad. Shouldn’t need a special day for it. Anyway, I digress.

 

It is a holiday weekend up here, holiday on Monday. Youngest daughter home for the weekend which is great. We share a lot in common and have great chats! I can be more the real me around her and she is okay with that. I don’t feel that I have let her down that much as I have always been and will continue to be a great parent for her and I will fight to the death anyone who claims different.

 

No, the issue this weekend is my mindset around my wife. Every time I am around her I can’t stop thinking how much I have failed her as a husband and as a man. I find I no longer have the energy to pretend to be something that I am not, so I get very sad and somewhat depressed about it. That is not good. This must be awful for her. I am trying to be up beat, but it is difficult. It was a very long week for me work wise, so I am very tired and didn’t do anything yesterday, just trying to catch up on sleep. On top of that, I suffer from Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD) so winter is somewhat depressing for me. I really, really really hate everything about winter up here. And the fact that it is -41C with windchill this morning doesn’t help. Especially when we have a dog that needs two good walks a day and loves the cold and no one else will take her, so it is up to me. Not my idea of a good time.

 

So today I am going to try to get myself in a better mood. Groceries were done earlier in the week, bread is in the oven, so I just have to worry about making meals. Hopefully, it will be a better day.

 

Here endeth the rant.

 

February 13, 2015

Dam, Dam, and double Dam. Stupid me. Called the Office of the Dr. I was referred to for possible monitoring of HRT here in town, only to find out they are closed on Fridays ! Drat! Now, I will have to wait until Tuesday (Holiday here Monday, everything closed). I should have paid more attention to the office hours included in the info my contact sent to me. But quite honestly, I was so surprised and happy to get the info, I sorta didn’t pay attention to that detail. Oh well. If that is my only problem for the weekend, then it will be a good weekend!!!

 

 

February 12, 2015

Received an email last night around 10:00 p.m. from the Director of our Gender Clinic here in town. She said that she was speaking with another TG client and got the name of a family Dr in town that is following her HRT regime. She suggested that I contact her to see if she would be willing to monitor my HRT. She said that apparently she has experience with other TG patients as well. So, this may be the link to a local service that I am looking for! Yippee!!

 

So I am going to contact her office to try to make an appointment (hopefully it will not require a referral) and have a conversation with her to see if she is willing to take me on as a new patient! So, maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel????

February 11, 2015

A few thoughts this morning, stemming from meetings I attended last night. As part of my volunteer/community work, I am Chair of the the Board of Governors for a private school. I was in Committee meetings last night, and one of the discussion items is how were are to deal with children/young adults who self identify as the gender opposite to their sex. It was a very interesting discussion. I had to tread carefully to make sure that I was able to voice my opinions/concerns without tipping my hat so to speak. Anyway, great discussion. We are doing, and will continue to do, all the right things: accommodate, counsel, provide access to therapists/information for the child and parents when requested and make sure we are complying with all relevant legislation. Turns out we have had kids in both grade school and high school self identify and there were no major issues. So, good to know everyone is on board ! Also good to know that we can deal with this topic in a compassionate and professional manner.

 

The second issue is that I came to the realization that I cannot put myself in situations that set me up to fail – or breakdown in this case. The situation is that we have a big Gala Ball the end of the year that is a fund raiser. Everyone who is anyone in the area attends. It is a big formal “Do”. In my position, it is expected that I attend. However, this year, I am going to send my regrets having to be elsewhere that week for work related reasons. I know that being in a situation surrounded by women in beautiful gowns who will all look stunning is not a good place for me to be. I fear that I won’t be able to make it through the evening without having a major anxiety attack. So, in the end, I realize that I have to look after myself and not but myself in such situations if at all avoidable. That is just the way it is…So, good for me!

 

February 10, 2015

I am noticing of late that it is getting more and more difficult to shed the Erin persona. On those occasions when I am able to fully embrace her and be who I am meant to be, everything is good. But when it is time to turn back into the metaphorical pumpkin (or more accurately the literal “pumpkin” ), it is really hard and getting harder. It is now so painful to leave her behind to the point of getting really upset, sad, mournful etc. So yet another topic for my therapy session. I feel for her….she is going to feel like she is drinking from a firehose for this session!!

 

They say that all good things must come to an end. Ya, well, it sucks. !! The only saving grace is that one day, it will not have to end !!

February 8 2015

Okay, the day didn’t go as planned. Was on dive rescue stand by. (Long story). Had to do a rescue of a guy that weighed 350-400 lbs out of the lake. -18F (18below zero) -28C, with windchill, water temp was 32.5F. He was in the water for 20 minutes while we worked to get him out. Fire and Rescue and my dive team, two in the water on I was on the surface as surface support this time. I was holding on to him for all I was worth trying to keep him from slipping under the ice. All that weight. He kept looking at me asking if he was going to die, and making me promise I wasn’t going to let him die. Of course, I kept talking to him trying to keep him calm and reassured. But 20 minutes in that temperature, well…figure it out. Anyway, 20 minutes and we were finally able to pull him out, get him on land through snow and ice to EMTs and an ambulance. He will be fine. Some cuts and bruises. I was fully expecting him to have a heart attack and was preparing myself to deal with it, but thankfully that didn’t happen.

 

So, what does this have to do with my transitioning? Well, I suspect that with HRT, I probably would not have had the muscle to have helped someone like him. I have been thinking about it once we were all safe and the adrenalin had reduced. I guess this is another aspect of my life that I will have to give up. But for now, today, I was glad Ithat I was there to help this gentleman.

February 7, 2015

Got some more info from my friend at work who is FtM. There is a TG support group in town, not GLBT, but specifically TG. It is a bit stealth, but he did speak with the peron that organizes it, and gave me the contact info. Apparentlty they meet once a month on Saturday afternoons, so I am going to plug into that. They are expecting my contact. So, another piece of the puzzle revealed, and another tiny step forward. Forward is good, however small the step is. So yes, another good day.

 

February 6, 2015

Well, in the keeping with the spirit of yesterdays posting (that is what happens when I let my mind wander without adult supervision !!), but on a positive note…

 

You know when you have a moment when you are sure you are on the right track?? I had one of those yesterday evening. At first blush, it would seem very minor, and many would probably say, “ya, well, duh…” including me. All that does not make it any less significant, at least to me.

 

So, I had some time to myself as my wife works late on Thursdays. I needed to go out for errands, so I transform to be me, and off I go on a snowy, chilly night. I had to get some supplies at Shoppers Drugmart (insert CVS for those in the U.S.), and then stop at Pet Smart for puppy supplies. Didn’t take too long, about an hour, but what a life affirming hour it was. Once again, no issues around the muggles. Chatted with the woman behind me in the line at the checkout at Shoppers….she initiated, you know, the usually chat about the weather…we do that a lot up here in the Great White North . But no issues. Then off to the pet store. Given that is was snowy, not too many people out, so was able to get in and out quickly. Chatted with the check out clerk, she was very pleasant. Then off again back home. Then did a tidy up of the kitchen, re-organized some of my drawers as I just got a few more tops in from online shopping (thanks to Jenn for that inspiration ) and made dinner. Happy, happy, happy ! What was very cool is that I have been stuck on finishing a piece of music for about the past two weeks, and I sat at the piano, and banged it out in 15 minutes. Everything just feel into place. Was very cool and tremendously satisfying.

 

Now, I always feel better when I am able to truly be Erin. But even more than usual, or maybe given my thoughts of yesterday, it confirmed that I was definitely on the right track to the right destination. Very happy to just be out and about, doing normal life stuff. It was a good place to be. I love Erin very much.

 

 

February 5, 2015

Been thinking a lot the past few days about the post and responses/discussion regarding suicide. I know, sort of a morbid place to be in my head?!? I have often read and heard stories of those that have transitioned, that prior to transitioning, they had serious thoughts about ending it all, or even attempted it. They continue to state how much better they feel transitioning or post transition. Sure, they have down days or times, but don’t we all? In all, they feel better having committed to the transition process.

 

I have sometimes thought about this. Not ending my life per se, but just how much this whole thing has impacted me. I am not suicidal. Depressed? You bet, but I manage. However, (and you know there was going to be a “however”…) my thoughts are as follows regarding this in my circumstances. I could actually not transition, but the dragon back in the cage and go on with my life. I would be completely miserable, but could function. Hell, that is what I have been doing for the past 15 years. I could probably manage to keep it up for a bunch more. But at what price? I would be going through the motions of living, but no having, or enjoying life. I would probably drive my wife totally batty as I would not be very fun to be around. As it stands right now, I am somewhat in different to life. While I do not contemplate ending it all, I am not afraid of death. My survival instinct may not be as strong as it should or could be. If for some reason, I was told I only had 2 weeks to live, I would be okay with that. My family would be provided for…no debt…a couple of hundred thou in the bank, safe and secure. It would be what it is. That is, as I am right now.

 

Given what I know about what my life could be like as my true self, well then, that is another story. Yes, there would be difficulties, no question. I am not naive to think it will be all a bed of roses when I transition. But, as so many others have said, I can see being truly happy with myself for the first time, since, well, since forever. To be who I am really meant to be. To have life, and energy and happiness and wanting to get the most out of life. That is a drive to survive attitude. Not one of indifference or ambivalence. All I want to do it live my life being who I am. To live “out loud” and not hide anymore. Spending extended periods of time as “me” is truly the happiest I have been. Whether it is out and about doing errands or getting coffee, at home making dinner, reading or watching TV, or the simply pleasure of just going for a walk…life is just so much more worth it. It is sort of like life on steroids and Red Bull.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that while I am not suicidal, I am indifferent, I guess, right now. But the thought of transitioning and being true to myself, to be real for the first time, accept and love myself for who I am, has got to be better than what I have now. Every time I look at my self photo as Erin (e.g. see first post), I see someone who is worthwhile, smart, fun, beautiful, has something to contribute, worth loving and can love. All of the things that I do not feel as male me. So while not exactly the most uplifting entry in my journal, I feel hopeful and excited by the future prospects, lumps and all. So, I go to this happy place and get on with my day….

 

February 4, 2015

Just had a very interesting meeting with a colleague of mine at work. We have know each other for about the past 15 years and have stayed in touch, informally during that time (he’s in another department that I don’t interact with….ever.). Anywho, he is FTM and has been for a number of years. He was also a founding member of the TG policy group to ensure the rights of the TG community in my organization. We had a great chat! He was able to offer some names and locations for services which was helpful. He was also able to confirm my findings with my meeting last week with the Human Rights department, so that was good. He also confirmed that there is no endo in the city that has taken on that aspect of practice after the only one that did died last year. He does know, however, of a Dr that is following one person who is transitioning FtM, so that prescriptions for hormones etc are being done locally. So that is at least a step in the right direction.

 

He also mentioned that things are heating up in this area again as more people are asking about TG issues and rights, and a few more are in transition. He was thrilled that I am very serious about transitioning, so glad that I will finally by who I was meant to be and happy. He wants to stay in regular contact to make sure that I am able to get my questions answered and that things keep moving forward. We are going to meet again in a few weeks after my appointment with my regular therapist next week, and the new one in Ottawa that is a gate keeper to and Endo the following week.

 

So, all in all….a pretty good day !!

 

 

February 3, 2015

Well, not what I was planning to journal about today, but hey, it sorta just fell into my lap….

 

On the radio on my drive into work today, they were asking a very interesting question. They wanted to know what listeners thought about men wearing women’s underwear. A few interesting things became evident. One is that the female DJ (there are two that do the morning show, one male, one female) commented that women wear men’s underwear at times, e.g. boxers, and get absolutely no grief for it. So why do guys get grief for wearing women’s underwear? Interesting that she would say that, but good for her!

 

Second, not one woman, notta, called in to either comment negatively about it. One did call in to say a past boyfriend of hers did, and sadly his butt looked better in her underwear than hers did!! Sorta funning! . Third, no guys called in to rant about it and how it is in their minds weird to do that. Only callers who did wear them called in. Comments were mostly that the were more comfortable, not as bulky as men’s underwear, and one guy said they looked and felt better when he was wearing skinny jeans. Now, all of this could be because the producers were screening what calls get aired, who knows.

 

So an interesting way to start the day!!

 

February 2, 2015

More formal day at work. Presentation to do for a group from the Middle East. Great group, I really like working with them as they are all great people. Interesting that I was in a quandary this morning about what to wear….as a guy! Totally DRAB, so shouldn’t be an issue…right ?? However, I am finding that I have difficulty trying to figure out what to wear for male clothes. To me, no matter what I chose, I look like a dweeb. But alas, that is still the case, and will be for a while. So I ruminate about it. Funny thing is, I can see in a heart beat what I would wear as my true female self. Just a day for odd observations I guess. Maybe the -37C windchill today has my furry little brain in knots??!! That and the fact Seattle lost. Even I KNOW that was a stupid play to call at the end of the game. But, what do I know ??? There is always next year….

 

February 1, 2015

Just had a nice long soak in the tub with Epsom salts. Always makes me feel very relaxed. Now, 4 glasses of water later, I am good! Wife had to go to her office today, which is killing her as she is all hyped up for the super bowl, game jersey on and everything. Poor thing. But she should be home in time for kick off. Works for me as it keeps her out of my kitchen, and I ve got bread in the oven and working on game snacks now. Our youngest daughter is coming over to watch the game as well, so it will be good to have her here too.

 

Yesterday started of kinda “meh”. Not sure why. I was just kinda grumpy. Didn’t feel like talking much, tired and just really wanted to crash. I’m a glass half full kinda gal, but yesterday, not so much. However, later in the evening that changed. Around 7:30, I get an email from the Dr at the clinic in Ottawa that she has booked a consultation appointment with me on February 26 in the morning, via Skype. I quickly check my calendar, and that does work! Yippee !! so we exchange a few more emails with contact details and we are good to go. Shocking in a way as it was a Saturday night!!

 

Now, here’s the trick. She is not an endo, but a gatekeeper. What I am hoping is that I don’t have to redo all the therapy I have been doing and start from square one…. again. I have an appointment with my regular therapist a few days prior, so that is definitely on the list of topics for discussion. So, we will see, but I think it is a step forward (glass half full ).

Then, to top that all of, had a great telephone chat with Jenn who had a totally awesome day and we talked about all of that. It is so great to share positive stories and have a few laughs. I wish I lived closer.

So, just goes to show, what started as a kinda blah day, turned out to be a good day. . Yah for me!

 

 

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