May 31, 2015
Well….had a very interesting and heart felt conversation with my youngest daughter yesterday. She came home for part of the weekend and said that she wanted to speak to me for an hour or so to lay down some ground rules. Okay. This would be interesting, and I was somewhat anxious. Go figure. She is staying with her mother across town. So she stopped over in the afternoon after I got home from work. We sat in the backyard to chat. She still cannot bring herself to go into the house as it is a reminder of things that is no longer, ie our marriage etc. So, okay, I go with it.
Essentially she explained that at this point in her career she is going to be really busy and doesn’t have time or the mental capacity to deal with numerous texts everyday from her parents asking how she is. She needs to focus at work and this isn’t helping. Her mother shot 4 or 5 texts in a row asking how she was and she was at work. That just pushed her over the edge and she lost it on her mom. Fair enough. I told her that is what parents do, we want to make sure our kids are okay when there is “stuff” going on in their lives. I would suggest that a divorce and transition would classify as “stuff”. So, I understand that so agreed, and we worked out some stuff.
She also told me that she needs me to drive her and be tough. That is what she always got from me. “I go to mommy to talk about emotional stuff but I go to you to talk about work and to tell me to suck it up and move on”. The fact that I am not doing that is freaking her out. Makes her feel like she is talking to a stranger and her dad is gone. So, I get that. I told her that the other thing parents do is provide a soft place for their kids to land when they are stressed and not well. On the other hand, I get that this behaviour would make her feel even more that her dad is gone. I haven’t gone. I am still here, just in a different “wrapper” so to speak. She said that if someone doesn’t push her, if I don’t push her, she will just wallow. She has always counted on me to listen to her, but then tell he to get on with it. So, now that I know that, I will do what has been natural to a certain degree, and be that strong person for her. She doesn’t need two moms. She needs a mom and a dad, so I am to be the dad figure. I can do that and still be me, Erin.
She then told me that she will be ready to talk more about my transition, but doesn’t want me to volunteer information about where I am in my transition or what my plans are for the process. When she is ready to know, she will ask. Until then, don’t go there. Okay. I will respect that. On the other hand I told her that I really don’t have control of some of the time line as it depends on how my body reacts to HRT, etc, so things may happen before “she is ready to deal with it”, so I felt it was important for her to know that. She accepted that and said she will just have to suck it up and deal with it should that be the case.
Last she told me that she is in the angry stage right now, and not ready to deal with “her”. She hates “her” because “she” killed her dad. That was very hard to hear. But I do get it. Since she hasn’t done a lot of research and reading on all of this, she doesn’t understand some aspects about it. I think she understands this is not a choice, but I don’t think she knows that Erin actually saved her dad. If it wasn’t for Erin coming out, she might not have a dad at all. I didn’t tell her that as I didn’t want to really upset her. She isn’t ready for that yet. She will, some day, someday soon I hope.
In the end she said she felt much better. I was glad to know what she needed and how she wanted me to help. So at least she still wants me to help. She told me that she will always love me and is not going anywhere, which was good to hear. I mean, I know that deep in my heart, but it is always good to hear it. I told her the same. We both agreed we will get there one day when she will accept Erin and not hate her, but it is going to take time. So, that is where I am with her.
Tick, tick, tick…..
May 27, 2015
An interesting turn of events. When I was getting my hair done last Friday, the owner offered to get me in touch with another Transwoman that she does hair for who is fully transitioned and moved on in her life and in a new relationship. So I figured, why not. So, I just got email from this woman, offering to meet and chat with me and be a source for local resources. That was very kind of her!! She transitioned some time ago, in 2003, but would like to make herself available should I have questions or fears, etc.
So, needless to say, I am going to fully take her up on that!!! Hoping to meet sometime in the next few weeks if possible.
yah for me!!!
May 26, 2015
Had my first electrolysis session last night….the first of many. Going after the grey hair that laser isn’t getting….stupid grey hair !!
It went fine! Not much pain at all, in fact, I found it to be less painful than laser. Did an hour session and have booked one hour per week until December. However, I am thinking of going twice a week given how well I reacted, just depends if I can put up with the scruffy look of not shaving for two more days and how that will look at work. If I go on Monday evenings, I don’t shave after Saturday morning. That gives me Saturday to go out and do errands without the dreaded beard hair showing through make up…not a good look, I must say !! . I don’t look to bad at work as the dark hair is beat back, just the white that is longer and that is not as visible for work. The alternative is go for 1.5 or 2 hour sessions once a week which I am considering. She doesn’t have any 2 hour blocks available right now, but may be able to squeeze in an extra 30 minutes.
She is so good. Really fun to talk to and totally gets TG. I was going to listen to music or a podcast during the session to take my mind off of the “discomfort”, but we ended up chatting the entire time. She wanted to know how I was doing, and what my plan was and how it was all going. She was very easy to talk to and very sweet. I really like her. Plus, you don’t want to p*ss off a woman with an electric probe in her hand!!
She has never had a trans person tolerate a session so well. But she admits I am the first that is doing this that is just starting HRT, so she thinks that is probably the difference. My skin has not started to soften yet and become more sensitive. Her other clients in the past have been much further along. So I think I am going to try to hit it hard while the gettin’ is good.
Whatever the reason, I will take it. One more step in my journey….
May 25, 2015
Had a session last week with my long time therapist about how my weekend went with my family. It was still emotional for me to recount. She was totally blown away by my family’s response and even she was overwhelmed and had tears. So there we were, both crying. But she said that after all the tears after all these years, that I have shed in her office, it was about time we had tears of joy! And she gave me a big hug and was so very happy for me.
May 23, 2015
In chatting with my sister the other day, she told me of an interesting remark my brother made after I left their place last weekend. He told her that he knew for a long time that something was not right and that I wasn’t okay. Interesting that he would have picked up on that all these years. So in the end he wasn’t surprised at all and in fact I think he is just relieved to know what is going on and that I am finally happy. Never under estimate family intuition…..
May 22, 2015
Interesting day yesterday, Finally made it to my endo. She is really nice!! She totally gets where I am and what I am doing and she is fully onboard and in tune with my thoughts on all of this. So, bottom line is that I have started HRT!! She gave me my first script and I needless to say I had it filled and started last night.
On a side note, my endo is in Ottawa, a 2 hour drive, so had to take the day off work. So I thought I would take advantage of it. Did some shopping for the house, the Linen Chest for new Bed coverings and Ikea for some smaller things like glasses and flatware, etc that my ex took with her so I needed to replace. This was all after my appointment, so I must admit I was in my own little world, floating along!!
Told my oldest daughter last night and she was thrilled for me. I also called my sister. She was surprised but okay with it. I think that she would like things to progress a little slower so she can fully wrap her head around it. But I told her that it is not overnight and at my age, this is going to take a while, so no need to panic.
So……here we go…..
May 20, 2015
It was quite a weekend. Flew to the east coast to visit with my brother and sister and their families. They all now know about my separation and transition. It couldn’t have gone better! They were sad about the separation, but so very thrilled about my transition. Uber supportive! There were many tears, but tears of joy that I get to finally be happy and at peace with who I am. Also tears of sadness as they were so upset that I have been denied being my real self for so long. My sister told me that she can’t imagine how hard my life has been. She said that if someone told her she had to dress as a man the rest of her life, she would through herself off a cliff. So for me to have to dress and act as a man all my life when I am a woman, she doesn’t know how I did it. She can’t imagine the pain….
My brother (and his family) stepped up to the plate big time. Had a big celebration dinner to welcome Erin into the family. It was awesome. Both my brother and sister are very protective of me now (I am the youngest) so if “someone has a problem with you, they are going to have a problem with us”.
So, that is now everyone. My sister, her husband, their two kids (in their late 30s), my brother, his wife and their four kids (in their late 20s), and my in-laws and brother in law. All done. Moving on…..
May 14, 2015
Well, arrangements are made….flying to my sisters for the long weekend (here in Canada). Time to tell her about the divorce and my GD and transitioning. It is going to be hard. She has so much going on in her life right now with the passing of our mother, her husband’s potential slip from remission and some issues with her own kids, who are awesome, but have their own life stresses as adults with their own young families. So, she is looking forward to me coming with the thoughts that it will be a fun weekend and take her mind off of stuff. We get along so great and see eye to eye on just about everything and talk easily. But this is going to be a bit of a bomb for her, so I am concerned. But better to do it in person so I can be there to mitigate any possibility of things going sideways. She will be fine with me transitioning, she gets all that stuff, and just last month she stated that she wished she had a sister. Well…..surprise!!!
It is the divorce that is going to get her. She adores my ex, so that will be a hard pill for her to swallow. But there is never a good time for this conversation (as I was reminded by a dear friend last night), so time to put on my big girl pants and “get ‘er done”. Here’s hoping for a smooth journey on this one….
May 13, 2015
Sometimes, just sometimes, it is good to really listen to yourself when you talk out loud to, well, really no one. Case in point….my dog, who is 14 years old, is a little stressed out with all that is going on. She misses my ex a bit, not a lot, but knows she is not around. She saw a lot of stuff leave the house when my ex moved out, and was left by herself, so she may have been wondering if anyone was coming back to get her, etc. Anyway, being alone with my pup, I try to calm her by speaking to her, just so she knows she is not alone in the house, etc. So yesterday I found myself talking to her to calm her down when I said, “we are going to be okay. We can be alone without being lonely”.
Well, that made me stop in my tracks. Maybe it is time I listened to my own advice???
May 11, 2015
worked all weekend. No time to relax or recharge, do laundry, clean the house etc, etc. Figured out that I worked 40 hours in 2.5 days, so dragging my butt a bit today. Full work day to day and a bit of laundry etc tonight. Looking forward to not being male me…..
Youngest moved to Toronto on the weekend, starts her job today. I did manage to zip out on Saturday to say goodbye etc. She was pretty sad. I think she was just overwhelmed about all that is going on and moving and starting new job etc. I spoke with her last night and she was much better. Settled into her place and is with friends she has known for a couple of years, so she was in a much better place. I know she will be okay, but it does break my heart to see her go through this, mostly because of me. Waiting for father time to work his magic….
May 7, 2015
With all the talk in some of the forums about HRT, I am getting nervous about starting. Managing the process, keeping tabs on bloodwork etc. And seeing some of the discussions going on….getting nervous. However, if I think about not going on HRT, I am scared of what would happen, i.e. not getting to be my true self would be catastrophic…
So, live with the nervousness for now, which I am hoping will dissipate once I meet with the endo, get the process started and settle into a dosage my body can handle.
May 6, 2015
Had dinner with my youngest daughter last night. I am so impressed with how she is doing now and how far she has come in less than two weeks given the shock she endured a few weekends ago. Not that she still doesn’t have a ways to go, but she is talking with the right people (therapist). We were able to just have a regular meal and just chat about stuff. We didn’t talk about the separation or my trans, but just had a good chat and shared what is going on in our lives this week and laughed about stuff. It was all very comfortable, and I think she was able to still see that I am still who I always was at my core.
So I have hope that she is going to be okay and that we are going to be okay. For her, it is going to be little steps. It is going to be quite a while before she will be able to relate to Erin. So I will give her as much time as I can. I am good with that.
May 4, 2015
Busy weekend, but did okay. My oldest managed to squeeze in an appointment with our athletic therapist on Sunday. She does that for our family as she knows that the only times the kids are here is on weekends and we all get along with her so well that she doesn’t mind opening just for us on weekends. It is so great she does this. Anywho, she knows what is going on with me so understands why my girls might be under some stress with the separation and my trans. She told my daughter yesterday that “your dad is so awesome and the bravest person I have ever met”. I know that some, if not most of us, have heard this at one time or another, brave to go move forward with transitioning, but we know that it really isn’t bravery, but more desperation, a choice to live, to live as our authentic self, “to be me, how great is that??” so to speak. But still, it was sweet of her to say and still, made me feel good that she understands how difficult it is going to be and she is there to support not only me but my two girls throughout all of this. I am truly lucky to have so many caring professionals in my corner….
May 3, 2015
My oldest daughter was down visiting for the weekend which was great! We had some great chats, some related to my trans, others just general in nature, ya know, two girls shooting the breeze. She totally gets Erin. Wanted to see pictures, my clothes and shoes and makeup etc. She had some good tips and recommendations and totally wants to go shopping for summer dresses, skirts, tops etc when I go to Toronto in July. She is also fine with me dressing a bit more as me, ie summer tanks or tees with jeans. She will be ready for full on Erin whenever I am ready to go. So I just have to wrap my head around being comfortable with it around her. But she is super supportive and excepting which is of such a great comfort to me. I keep asking her is she is okay with what I am wearing and what we are talking about it and she is said she will let me know if it gets to be too much. She also wanted to know about how this would all unfold at work, what the process was for telling people and support etc. So we chatted about that as well. But she always was one for wanting to know everything abut something all at once, so not too surprised. So, for her, we are doing well.
As for my youngest, well that is a different story. She needs to digest things slowly. She won’t be okay with me dressing a bit more fem even if not full on Erin mode, at least not right now. She is going to need more time. She will get there, but she told me it will be slower than her sister and that it will take more time. I have no problem with that. However at some point, physically, I won’t have a choice, so my goal is to slowly get her used to the idea. But I think I will have lots of time to work with her on that.
Overall, a pretty good weekend! Yah for me!
May 1, 2015
Had one of those WTF moments again last evening. I was home from work, and just finished walking the dog. As I am not out to my neighbours yet, I do this in male mode. But after that, time to be me. So, getting changed, a bit of makeup (it is to the point I can get away with just a bit of foundation) etc. That is when I look start to think what am I doing?? Why do I do this? But I finish up and head to the kitchen to start dinner and my evening etc. While dinner is in the oven, I am sitting on the couch, looking out the bay window to the world, have a glass of wine in my hand and reading a magazine while music plays in the background. I catch my reflection in a mirror and that is when it hits me. This is why I do this. To live my life simply as me. No fame, no fortune, no glamour or glitz….just little ol’ me. And you know what? I like little ol’ me.