December 28, 2016

This holiday season has evoked a number of emotional reactions, some of which were a bit surprising. I guess that is all part of the “game” so to speak. My two girls were home for 4 days which was awesome. They managed to split their time judiciously between me and their mom, which I am sure was stressful for them to a degree. I was somewhat annoyed with my youngest, as she spent more time with her mom, but she did make an effort to spend time with me. She is in a bit of a turmoil regarding her relationship with her boyfriend and wanted to spend time with her mom to try to talk her way through it. She has always done that with her mom, so I can’t fault her for that. Regardless, she was totally fine with me and we did have some really good quality time together.

 

My ex continues to send mixed messages, so dealing with that. The problem is that I let it get inside my head. My therapist, and my “backup” therapist, AKA my sister, tell me it is part of the process of dealing with a relationship that is over. I am not over the relationship yet. And while there is NO chance of any type of reconciliation, I need more time to just get over the fact the relationship is over. 34 years is not going to get erased over night. They both warned me that this is typically a time when people jump, or “rebound” into another relationship, for all the wrong reasons, and strongly cautioned me to be really careful about that. I know that, I do. But I take their point seriously. And I have come to realize on my own, that I am in no means ready to get into another relationship at this time. While I am super happy with my new life, I need to get really comfortable with who I am and just settle into the new and improved me. To learn where I want to go, what I want to do moving forward and if and when I am ready to let someone into my life. I also realize that once I am ready to think about a relationship, finding another woman who ignites some chemistry in me and shares a bunch of things is common, and who has no issues with being with a trans woman, is going to be a tall order. So, I am going to focus on me, my girls and my job, get my act together, and then, and only then will I consider moving forward. Right or wrong? I don’t know. But this is what I feel I need to do for me.

 

So bring on 2017!! I’m ready to go and be a better me.

 

December 15, 2016

Had “hit and run” visit from my ex last evening. A package arrived for her at my house in error, so I texted her to ask what she wanted me to do with it. She replied that she would stop in on her way from work. (Her work is 5 minutes from my house, in fact, she can see it from her office window….anyway….). So 20 minutes later she showed up. I had just returned home from work so I didn’t have time to change out of my work clothes, so there I was in a full business skirt suite, as usual. While she was cordial and polite, it was clear she was super uncomfortable….the first time that has happened. She didn’t move from the front door (in the past she has come in, sat down, chatted, etc, etc, etc. And was definitely wanting to leave. She also didn’t park in the driveway, as what I can only assume is because she didn’t want me to notice that she got a new car.

 

While I have endeavoured to be completely upfront and transparent with her, she is very closed and secretive with me. She doesn’t want to give me her address, doesn’t let me know when she’s going to see our girls, gets a new car etc. So, it is totally one sided. Once again, her feelings of disdain are apparent. I closed the door after she left thinking that her internal voice was telling her “I can’t believe I was married to that” the entire time she was standing in my doorway.

 

Happy friggin’ holidays……sigh.

 

December 13, 2016

Was at the annual gathering of my consulting firm last night…meeting, dinner, etc, etc. While it is a pain to get to travel wise, I was glad I went. It was good to catch up with colleagues and friends. The usual info was conveyed by the Managing Partner, best Q1 in the 20 year history of the firm, yadda, yadda, yadda….but I also had a chance to have a very nice conversation with him about the past year and what it meant for me. I then had an opportunity to have a prolonged discussion with the two senior partners which was awesome! So good to really get into the business and what is going on with them in their lives as well. I was pondering with them about the recent uptake in request for me specifically for speaking engagements and consulting gigs and not quite understanding it. They both knew immediately why that was, and that lead to a very real and direct conversation about how much I have changed (for the better!!) emotionally as well as physically. They said that my very real comfort level with myself is super apparent in my confidence and happiness with who I am and what I do. I am just so easy to be around and relate to, they say….and “present” in the situation, which is awesome. They did say that I always did a good job before, but totally get why there is an uptake. Funny, being on the inside that I really don’t have a handle on that. I mean, I know how I feel, but can’t see how I project those qualities. It was a very interesting conversation. I am always grateful to spend time with them.

 

So imperative to surround yourself with good people.

 

December 8, 2016

Ever have one of those days… when ya just feel kinda crappy and don’t know why?? And your head is not in a good place?? Well…that’s today. Don’t know if it’s because I feel tired, or I may have a cold coming on? Not sure…..

 

I just know that I don’t like it….not one little bit…..sigh…..

 

December 7, 2016

Staff Appreciation Day at my organization today. They are offering a bunch of free seminars and activities during the day including a 1 hour yoga class. Some of the women in my department are going and invited me to join them. I love yoga, so off we go!! A good way to get through “hump day”…???

 

December 2, 2106

The joys of living in a different province than the one you were born in. Living in Ontario, but have to apply for an updated birth certificate in Quebec. Well, Quebec is being obstinate, again, surprise surprise. They need a letter from an actual person in the Office of the Registrar General in Ontario that states Ontario is not able to issue a change of gender certificate in order for someone to change their birth certificate in Quebec. Everyone in the world knows that the only province that can change a Quebec birth certificate is Quebec. And even though it states very clearly on the Ontario website that they do not issue change of gender certificates, and EVERYONE knows that, Quebec still needs an actual letter. So, called the office of my provincial representative this morning, and they are on it, on my behalf. They are contacting the Office of the Registrar General here in Ontario to get a letter done. Fortunately my representative is a member of the governing party and is an ally of the LGBTQ community here. Hopefully they will have something for me sooner rather than later??? But I have learned over the years, not to hold my breath when it comes to the government….at any level.

 

Thank god it’s Friday…..just sayin’…..

 

December 1, 2016,

It’s amazing what can trigger a memory…..last night I got home from work around 11:00 and just needed to sit and let my mind get out of gear before trying to get to sleep, so I watched a bit of TV, some mindless medical drama….well that was a bad choice !?. A scene with someone on life support and heart monitors beeping….Major Flashback….listening to the incessant beep of my heart monitor after I was safely taken off life support 8 months ago……wow….didn’t need to relive that!! Change channel, take deep breaths….

 

Not exactly the relaxing activity I needed…..the human brain is a strange little animal at times…..