January 31, 2015

T’was a quiet night last night. Decided to watch a documentary about proposition 8 in California regarding the legalization and recognition of gay marriage. My intent in watching it was more around the legal tactics, strategy, and the trials/hearings, well, ’cause, that’s what I do. However, that was merely a side bar (pardon the pun) for me. To me, the real story was the bravery of the four individuals that agreed to take it forward, to take the state of California to task, and see it to the end. Sure, the legal tactics were superbly orchestrated. To see witness after witness for the state get shredded in pre trial discovery was incredible. The legal team was so dedicated and passionate throughout the entire process. All that being said, it paled in comparison to the one lesbian and one gay couple and their resolve. Their determination to take it to the end, to do it because it was the right thing to do, was truly inspiring. I was totally in tears by the end. I hope to have even a fraction of their strength.


Great way to spend a Friday evening in my books.


January 30, 2015

Well, pretty quite today. Not much on the boards. So casual Friday!!


Ironically enough, today is equity training day. So that will be interesting. I think the topic this time is accommodation for people with disabilities. I think we are in pretty good shape, but always good to review and remind. It will be interesting when we get to the topic of minorities and sexual orientation . But not sure when that one is…


Spent some time last night cruising the web for SRS doctors in Ontario, as well as how it works to get the surgery covered by provincial Health. Not an easy thing to find out. But I think I found a pretty good site for that info. It would appear many from Ontario go to Dr. Brassard in Montreal, which is only a 2.5 hour drive for me. As with everything, waiting times are the issue. I know, I know, I am getting waaaaaaaay ahead of myself, but always good to get some info to set your expectations and timelines, etc.


January 29, 2015

Had a meeting with our Human Rights Office at work today. Overall, it went well I think. I wanted to meet with them to get a better understanding of the TG policies in place, what support I can expect and how to access their services. All about planning….(see previous post !! ) .


The counsellor I spoke with (there are three in their office) certainly knew of people that have transitioned, but outside of their services. That is to say, they transitioned, but did not need the services for the Human Rights Office to advocate on their behalf. I took this as a good sign as this means that there were no major issues that they encountered where they felt the need to involve Human Rights. The office is pretty well known, so I don’t think that it was due to the fact that these trans men and women didn’t know the service was there. So, that was comforting to know.


They do however, realize that there is still some more work to be done. Washrooms for example. There are single use private washrooms all over the place and they are mandated by the TG policy in place. We have our own gym facilities and they are also mandated to have single use private shower/change areas. While they do have one small one, it is not always available (i.e. locked). There will be an awkward time during my transition where it is no longer appropriate to use the men’s change room due to physical developments, but at the same time, inappropriate to use the women’s change room until all surgeries complete etc. So that is when a private change room/shower room will be needed. That is what they have to improve. So my counsellor, who didn’t realize it wasn’t complete (no one had made her aware of it), offered to get the ball rolling on that right now so that it will be all done and ready to go by the time I need it down the road once I have been on HRT for a while.


She reaffirmed that there is no longer and endo in town and clients have to go to Toronto or Ottawa (2-3 hours drive). They are working on creating a fund to offset the costs of travel for those staff that can’t afford to do that on a regular basis. They are also looking to get a few local Drs to agree to do the follow up once the dosages etc are set by the endo in Toronto or Ottawa. She said they have a couple of local Drs that they are working with to try to see if they will agree to do this. This would be way more convenient for sure!


The other area they need to keep working on is communication and training. They started their training program from the top down. But it would appear that the message is not getting down to the front line workers. So for example, if I were to go and get my name changed on my staff card, the person and the main reception desk my not understand why and how to do it, where as the manager will. So, while they work at that, she offered to accompany me on any such visits to update my paperwork, id, etc just to make sure that it is handled properly.


So while they appear to be proactive, there are still some things that they need to work on. But on the whole, they seem to have their stuff together for the most part. So, that was a good meeting to have. I have more information and better armed to wrap my head around the process. She offered to keep me in the loop as new policies are implemented and developed, and reinforced that their office is available should there be any problems with my office (boss and co-workers). However, she remained confident that there would most likely not be any issues as there are very specific policies and procedures in place, both at my work and at the provincial law level.


So, this is good news, finally. It has been a good day


January 28, 2015

Hi. My name is Erin….and I am a planner. (everyone…”Hi Erin”). Okay. I admit it. I am a planner. I can’t help myself. Just like being TG, it is hard wired into my brain. Just like the line in the movie “What’s their plan son? Russians don’t take a dump without a plan” – bonus point to whoever recognizes that line…


Anywho, if I need some information to formulate a plan, it will bother me to the point of distraction if I don’t have that information. So, to that end I went on the hunt for information yesterday. What is it you ask. Well, it is like this. As I have mentioned numerous times before, my wife is not on board with transitioning at all, so my marriage will end. At what stage during the transition, I don’t know, and I don’t think she does either. As such, one of many things that has been keeping me awake at night, about all of this, is where will I live? What will I be able to afford? What is out there that hits the sweet spot of what I will be able to afford and what I will be happy and comfortable in? So, I had to start a search. The result was actually quite encouraging. I found lots of really cute apartments that would be in my price range that I think I would be quite happy in. They were small, but hey, I like small. I like things that are cosy. Heck, if I can live on a boat for weeks at a time and love it, anything bigger than that seems spacious!!


There were some that were right in the downtown, close to everything and walking distance to work. Some where out farther, more rural, quiet and relaxing, but a 20 minute drive. Some on the waterfront, with great water views etc, etc. So now that I have that piece of the puzzle, I no longer have to lay awake at night fretting about it. Check that box off. I slept quite well last night, thank you very much.


While this is such a big journey and a scary one (at least for me), breaking things down into bit size pieces really seems to help. Otherwise, I get overwhelmed and I feel like I am drinking from a fire hose….


January 27, 2015

Still trying to stay warm. So many layers on!! leggings and dress pants, cami, blouse and sweater. Jeez, this is ridiculous ! Oh well, what’s a girl to do…


Anywho…I have another name to contact for resources in the area including an endo. Just got a note from my contact at our gender centre here with a name of a Dr in Ottawa that runs a counselling centre who specializes in TG issues and clients. So I just sent her a note asking about an endo in the area that has experience with TG clients. It looks like they offer a wide range of services at the clinic for TG, so I am hopeful. She also is willing to do consultations via Skype or teleconference for those that can’t make it to the clinic, so I have offered to do that. It isn’t any cheaper, but will save time and $$ for travel, plus the time off of work. I suspect she will want to “meet” with me prior to doing a referral. I am hopeful that something will come out of this. Now, just have to wait for a response. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi….okay, okay, so I am not the most patient person in the world!!


Good news in that my face is somewhat smother this morning, so that is good. At least I am able to wear tinted moisturizer….every little bit helps!!


January 26, 2015

Monday morning. Ugh. The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest !!


Just confirmed this morning a meeting with a colleague of mine in another department that is FtM. We are going to meet next week for coffee (his schedule is nuts this week) to chat about transitioning here and how that went and what supports are available, etc. So looking forward to that.


Other than that, pretty much same old same old. I have noticed that it is hard to get a close shave right now after my latest laser treatment. My skin is a little bumpy, in that the area around each follicle is raised. That is apparently normal and will go down as the hairs fall out. It has already started to smooth out in some areas, particularly on my cheeks, which have some spots with no hair on them at all right now. So it would appear that it is starting to work. Typically, my chin and under my nose are still rough, but that is par for the course. The down side is that make up right now just looks scary!! Should be better next week though.


Right now just trying to focus on not freezing !! It is -26C (14 below zero F) I don’t know who ordered this stuff, but I want to speak with the adult in charge!!


January 25, 2015

Well, ha ha, the joke was on me this morning. I rolled over in bed, looked at the clock which read 7:10. “Holy crap” I exclaim and start to jump out of bed realizing I slept in by an hour or more. At which point my wife mumbles “it’s Sunday” I stop in my tracks. “It’s Sunday, you don’t have to go to work. Go back to sleep”. Good thing she was on the ball, because I would have continued to get up and gone to work. Seriously, I was really screwed up! I would say that I need a vacation, but I just had one a few weeks ago. Guess I am more tired than I thought. Here’s hoping tomorrow starts off better!


January 24, 2015

It is amazing where your Brian goes to at 3:00 in the morning. Lying there, awake, in the dark. My mind starts to think about how I will do all this and what this is going to cost. Not just emotionally, but financially. Given that a divorce is enivitable, I begin to think how broke I will be. Loosing the house, and probably half my pension, it got scary really fast. Now given that I am not the most lucid at 3:00 am I am not saying the logic or even the assumptions are 100% correct. But it remains that it was a bit scary to think about living alone with greatly reduced resources. Oh what price we pay simply to be our true self.


January 23, 2015

Well, I had a bit of a moment last night. For some reason, this whole thing came crashing down on me in an emotional wave. I got really scared of all of this and kept wondering how I am going to do it, I can’t do this by myself. I sat on the edge of my bed and sobbed for about 20 minutes. When it was all over, I felt a bit better, but the thought of having to do this all by myself still resides. I think in my brain I know I can do it, I am pretty strong, but in my heart, it is a very empty feeling. My wife will bail as soon as I begin HRT or so the message goes. But, it will all work out somehow. I feel like I have to focus on the here and now as well as make plans. I need to try to focus on what is going right at this time, at least right now anyway. So, started laser treatment for my face and trying to find and endo, to moving the yard markers forward bit by bit. <deep breath> onward and upward….


January 22, 2015

In doing my research yesterday, I discovered that the one Dr that the Clinic director found for me is not taking on anymore new patients. So, strike that one out. The second one is the Sherbourne Clinic in Toronto. Quite well known and has pretty good resources. About a 2.5 hour drive from my house. They are pretty thorough in their process and it would appear that every patient has to go through their process. Which is five 1 hour visits over a 3 month period to assess the suitability for HRT and transition. They move you forward based upon their assessment of the following:


There must be evidence of a strong and persistent cross-gender identification.

  • This cross-gender identification must not merely be a desire for any perceived cultural advantages of being the other sex.
  • There must also be evidence of persistent discomfort about one’s assigned sex or a sense of inappropriateness in the gender role of that sex.
  • The individual must not have a concurrent physical intersex condition (e.g., androgen insensitivity syndrome or congenital adrenal hyperplasia).
  • There must be evidence of clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.


I think that is pretty much what my therapy sessions have covered? But it would appear that I would have to do it all again. Now, only three months, 5 days off of work to drive up for the appointments, so not a great hardship, but man, what a process. I get why they do it, to ensure that it is appropriate and the patient goes into the transition eyes wide open, but sounds appropriate for someone who had not done any therapy etc.


So, not going to call them yet. Still waiting to hear back from my contact at the clinic here about other options, and checking out another Dr about 1.5 to 2 hours away up North.


No one said this was going to be easy, and by gosh they are right !!



January 21, 2015

The saga with the Gender clinic continues. First, let me say the Dr. there has been nothing short of stellar. She is really trying very hard to get info for me and we were emailing back and forth last night at 10:00 p.m., so that is definitely going above and beyond. However, the news was not exactly encouraging in a sense. She made several inquiries on my behalf to find an endo in town that has experience with TG and willing to take a patient on. She found none that have experience. Given we have 7 endos in town, 4 hospitals, 2 of which are major research hospitals attached to the 2 universities in the city, I was somewhat dumbfounded. She said that the Dr they used to refer TG patients to had passed away, and no one picked up that part of his practice. So, no services available here. *sigh*. The alternative is go to one of two other nearby larger cities that do have services available. They are both 2 hours drive away.


I was somewhat upset at this initially. I took some time to digest it, chatted on line with a good friend about it (Thanks Jenn, again !) and settled down and looked at in a more positive light. At least I have a medical professional who is advocating on my behalf. The alternative is only 2 hours away. I know plenty of women here that have to drive much more than that, so I should just stop whining about it, it could be worse. Also, going to a bigger centre means they may have more resources and experience with TG patients, so it may be better for me in the long run. On the flip side, the wait time for an appointment could be longer. Oh well, all in good time I guess. Some days it is one step forward, two steps back.


I know that this journey is never going to be straight forward. There will be detours and obstacles along the way. I am going to have to get used to hearing that irritating voice saying “recalculating”….


January 20, 2015

Well, just received a note from the gender clinic in response to my email. They sent some basic info to me regarding TG resources in my city which is current, so that was helpful. We are now looking to make an appointment to discuss transitioning and getting to an endo. Hopefully they will come back with a date that is not to far off. So that is moving forward, though slowly, but at least forward. I am still waiting to hear back from our HR/human rights department regarding an appointment for me to get more info on TG resources specifically available at work as well as transitioning at work. I read the on-line info, but still have a few questions. I am hoping to hear back from them by the end of the week. Here’s hoping.


Happiness is the freedom to live out loud no matter what. I just want to be happy.


January 19, 2015

Not much going on today. Did contact the Human Rights department of our HR department to set up an appointment to discuss TG support and transitioning in the workplace. Now, just waiting for the specific counsellor to contact me with a meeting time. Also contacted the Gender counselling service at one of our hospitals to make an appointment to discuss getting an appointment with an Endo. Still waiting to hear back from them. So, in a holding pattern right now. Hopefully will hear back tomorrow and keep the ball rolling…baby steps.


January 18, 2015

So, a better day to day. I am at my office, which is typical for a Sunday. The peace and quiet allows me to get things done in preparation for the week ahead. Plus, as I am the only one here, I can be the real me !! . So dressed it is, albeit in jeans and a T, and all the other accoutrements – minus eye makeup (stupid eye infection )


Anywho, my brain is much more at ease. I don’t have to think about being me, I am me, so those thoughts go away, at least temporarily. It is amazing the amount of work I get done with such clarity! My wife also goes into her office for a few hours every weekend for the same reason, get prepped for the week to come, so we have decided that we will do it at the same time so that we can be at home at the same time as well. So, a few more hours and I should be ready to go. Then it is back home to make some wings and other “game snacks” so my wife can enjoy her football games. Not sure what jersey she is going to wear to day as her team is out, but she will probably wear her “Giants” shirt if I was a bettin’ gal . I may watch, depends if there is anything else on, which I doubt, or if there is something else I can find to do. Never been a really big sports fan. But I do watch and follow NFL a bit, only ’cause my wife got me into it. Something we can share and it means I can spend time with her. Same thing for Tennis and golf. We usually go to the Canadian Tennis Championships in the summer, at least we have for the past 10 years. She gets to see the big names, Federer, Nadal, Murray, Jokavic, etc, and I tag along for the company. She also made noises one year about wanting to go to the Masters at Augusta for golf, but it didn’t work out, and frankly, I was not too hyped up to go anyway. But, it is about sharing interests and being able to spend time together, at least that is what I get out of it.


But, I digress. Today is a pretty good day. Looking forward to making some forward progress with some of the people I want to contact regarding TG support etc around here. I am hoping it will prove to be fruitful!!


Oh, and I finally found the time to wash “my hair”. Boy did it need it! Now, nice and soft and shinny again. I love the scent that remains from the shampoo!!


Tried taking photo with iSight Camera on my monitor. Not great, but all that I have around.


January 17, 2015

Ever have one of those days!?! Well I have. I am so angry and frustrated and sad, and I don’t know why. Okay, so that is a bold faced lie. It is because I have a male body. Duh! I guess what I mean is that there is nothing really that happened today specifically that has caused this. But if life had a face, I would punch it!!!


Spent the day in drab. Just hung out this morning, didn’t do anything constructive. Then went out to do groceries. Went to Costco. That was a mistake. It was like the stupid people of the world decided it was time to gather and descend upon Costco. Good grief. People can be so clueless and inconsiderate. Anywho, got out of there relatively unscathed, and headed of to another store for a few things my wife added to the list. Much quieter there, but I still felt out of sorts. I felt like I was cross dressed as a guy. People kept looking at me. Maybe it was my imitation of a psychopath given the expression on my face or something!?!? Got my stuff and headed home.


Oh ya, and, my docking station for my iPhone decided to quit, so no listening to tunes on the speakers and charging. So now listening to music just on the iPhone speaker. Not the best for sure. So have to do something about that for sure. Did manage to make bread without blowing the place up, so that’s good


Last night did some more research about TG resources in my area. Finally found a TG site for my city. But, not updated at all. Doesn’t look like it is very active. But I will send a note to the moderator to see what it is all about. Also found a contact name for the TG policy group at my work. So going to contact them next week to set up a meeting to get the scoop on how things work around here for TG folk.


And also found the contact name for gender research and counseling at one of our hospitals, so going to call them on Monday and make an appointment to discuss about getting to see and endo. So, some good with the bad. Trying to focus on the silver lining among the clouds but sometimes it fells like I am too busy dodging lightening bolts!


January 16, 2015

Was at a meeting yesterday in downtown Toronto, major law firm, as part of a task force that has been assembled to review an issue. Two others in the room, remainder on conference call from other parts of Canada and the world. Anyway, the two were women. They were amazing. Mid forties, confident, intelligent, and stunning. Dressed professionally, but oh my goodness they looked amazing! Typically, this would have thrown me into a bit of an anxiety situation. “I want to look like them. I want to be like them” would be my internal dialogue, which in the past has been quite debilitating. However, I was able to draw upon my conversation with my therapist from the other day to try to block that. And surprisingly it did work. It didn’t completely quell my anxiety, but it really, really helped! I was able to hold me own with them on everything – expect the looks of course. But I was able to go to some recent photos of then genuine me in my mind. My dialogue changed to “you know, I can hold my own here. We have 3 awesome women in the room and I am fine!” Now, obviously, I will never look as good as them in reality, but just being able to draw upon that thought got me through the situation. We had a great chat both before and after the teleconference, as we had some topics to work through and it was very enjoyable. I think I have made two great new friends!

So, in a small way, hurray for me!!


My only regret is that I did not have any time before or after the meeting to hang around and potentially meet up with a few friends, like Jenn, as my office planned my train schedule to get me there just in time to start the meeting, and just in time to catch the train back after the meeting. Oh well, next time.



January 15, 2015

Started laser treatment yesterday on my face. Yah for me! . Ouch! Actually, not too bad. The worst part was the smell of burning protein from the hair. ICK ! No swelling, but some redness. However, the tech said that a bit if ice would help and that I could use some or my tinted moisturizer to cover it up. So that was good news as am trying not advertise it. So away we go!



January 14, 2015

And I wonder why I am so grumpy….????


The start of my day: get up at 6:00 a.m. and it is still dark. Get out of my comfy bed and go into -31C (with windchill), which is 23 below zero, -23F, to take the dog for a walk. I hate cold weather. I am a wimpy Canadian, I admit that. I start to get comfortable in 25C or 80F weather. Bring on the heat!! . But I digress….back to walking the dog. Now, she is very old, loves the outdoors and cold, loves to still go for walks, but moves very slowly. So out we go to crawl around the block. What used to take us 10 minutes now takes 30. Then I have to be concerned with 3 other dog walkers. Two are widows and one grumpy old guy. Now, I get it, they are lonely and don’t interact with people that much as they live alone and are retired, and don’t have much of a life (which I hear about all the time). Financially (again, which I hear all about!) they are comfortable, but not well off. So they crave human contact. So, they are VERY chatty! I, on the other hand, am not, at 6:00 in the morning, just having gotten up.


Then, when I get home, time to get ready for work, so off to shower, etc. Have to see my face in need of a shave, which I hate looking at, and then actually having to shave, which I hate doing, and then don male clothing, which I also hate. So each day I have to:


-Go into the cold

-Walk very slowly, which kills my back. I love to walk and run three times a week, but walking slowly for some reasons hurts my back

-have to deal with chatting retirees when all I want to do is get around the block quietly.

-See my male face

-Have to shave

-put on male clothing.


It is no wonder that by 8:00 I want to shoot myself !! – just kidding – but it is a painful start to the day, everyday.


So, I am going to make some changes. I went for a consult in the fall for laser facial hair removal and just set up an appointment for today to start the process. I have been wearing as much female attire as I can get away with such as pullover sweaters, pants etc. Work is no issue, they don’t care and long as I look professional.


Underdressing is the issue. Not at work – again, how would they know? It is at home. My wife almost literally monitors how much underwear is in the wash so she knows that I am wearing male underwear which makes her happy. I no longer care what she thinks about it. She doesn’t have to deal with it. I do all my own laundry for my proper female under clothing, and she never sees it, never sees me with it on or changing. So it is not in her face. I have to find as many ways as I can to not be miserable all the time. The side benefit is that it should make me feel better when at home as well, and be more pleasant for her to be around, which right now is not very fun as I am quite sullen. I am hoping this will help the situation.


So it starts (or continues…)



January 13, 2015

Erin’s musings & occasional photos

Had an interesting session with my therapist yesterday. She is very pleased with how I am handling all of this and not succumbing to the “pink fog”. She is impressed with my strength and resolve, though realizes that there are still issues with insecurity and worry about how this will all work out. She is concerned about how much power I have ceded to my wife, giving into her threats of leaving or kicking me out if I don’t stop. She gave me some info on how to manage this within myself so that it doesn’t keep eating away at me. She agrees that it may come to a choice, but is not willing to concede that it will come to that. That being said, she is preparing me to deal with “the” huge blow up should it come so that I won’t be devastated like last time. She is hoping it doesn’t come to that, but has a feeling that things between us at home will get much worse before it gets better, so she wants me to be able to deal with it from a position of strength, not weakness, fear or desperation.


I showed her some recent photos of me, in particular in the LBD and LRD I just bought. She was astonished. She told me that in the 15 years of working with me, on and off about this, she has never seen me smile like I am in those photos. She was so complimentary about how I looked, stating I was gorgeous. Combining those things, she flat out right stated that she sees that I don’t have a choice if I want to be really happy. I should transition. The one picture that really gets me teary is below. I love this photo. Not the best quality or pose or anything, but when I look at this I just want to give her a really big hug!!! I hate photos of male me, but I love this photo of the real me. That has never happened before. To me, she looks amazing. Okay, so I am a bit biased, but that is how feel. I want to feel like that everyday when I look in the mirror….


I can see it as well. When I look in a mirror in drab, I don’t see anything special, or someone that I can love, or be loved. And, I hate looking in mirrors BTW. But when I look at pictures of my true self, Erin, I see someone that I do love, can be loved, has something to contribute, is positive and fun. None of which I see as my male self.


She also doesn’t want to continue to speak about Erin in the third person anymore. So my next session, I will be Erin, full one. I am really looking forward to that. !! More to come….


So, having okay days and bad days. Still get severe “anxiety” attacks when I see women on TV. It is to the point that I couldn’t watch some of my favourite shows. Big, tall, short, small, I didn’t matter, I would see attributes that I wanted. My internal dialogue was always “why can’t I look like that?? I want to be a woman!!”


When I spoke about it to my therapist the other day, she said that my internal message needs to be more grounding. And take my mind’e eye back to my photos. I can look like a woman. It was an interesting observation. I know that women on TV are “glammed” up and that we are our own worst enemies when it comes to critiquing ourselves. But why be so hard on myself?? No woman is perfect. Why should I expect me to be? I am a good person, concerned for others, wanting to do the right thing. So why I am not doing the right thing for myself?? Good question!


So, I continue to work on this.


I notice that my behaviour changes when I am around my wife. When I am by myself or with others even at work, I am more light hearted, vocal, smiley, happy. This is because I can let my true personality come out and display my feminine attributes. No one cars at work. As long as I keep moving the yard sticks forward, they are good with it. I dress more androgynously now, even at work. More sweaters with Tee underneath, usually both women’s, but in neutral colours. A cami underneath that on really cold days, with leggings under my pants, again on cold days. Tinted moisturizer, my brows done with a bit of brow pencil and very neutral lipstick. No one cares. So I feel more like “me”. However, when I get home, I almost shut down. I change as soon as I get home, I revert to more male type behaviour so that my wife won’t go all ballistic on me in my mannerisms. But that gets me depressed, so I get very quiet, not smiling a lot, or engaged. Which really sucks, especially for my wife. She deserves so much more.


My therapist suggested that I try to maintain that a bit more. Keep some of the clothes on, stay happy. Let her see how happy this all makes me. It may lead to a blow up, but that may have to happen anyway. So, why delay the inevitable?? Good question. I am a big chicken at heart I guess. I really don’t want to cause my wife of 30 years any pain or grief and that is what keeps me back. I have to work through what this means for me though. Keeping her happy means I am miserable for the rest of my life, or do I do what is best for me to be happy and let the chips fall where they may. My mantra in all of this has always been to find a place where I can thrive, she can thrive and we can thrive as a couple. I am beginning to see that it may not be possible. So, a decision may have to be made. That is of course, unless there is a big change in my wife’s position on this, which I don’t see. Not sure how long I can continue like this, something is going to have to give. Sigh…the journey continues…


Still trying to find an endo that has experience working with TG women. I am hoping to ferret something out shortly. Jennifer has been an amazing support and resource with this and so much more. Thank god for Jenn. I am also trying to get back to my Laser clinic to start treatments on my face. I had an initial consult back in October, but haven’t had the time to commit to a schedule. Also, I am concerned about the after effect of the treatment, redness and swelling, which would not go un-noticed, so no hiding it. I am going to try to get there in the next week or so to have a test area done to see how my skin reacts, and take it from there.