March 31, 2015

It is interesting, the roller coaster we are all on. At least for me it is. Emotionally I seem to be all over the place. One day the world is my oyster, the next, well, not so much. Last night was one of those, “not so much” instances. It is amazing where the brain goes some times when you leave it unattended. I was vacillating between feeling like a failure as a man and a husband, to feeling successful as a parent. Then, back to feeling like a failure as a man. How does one do that? Fail as a male I mean? All you have to do as a male is just show up. That is it. But I failed at that. I have no male attributes except for the physical ones, which as one would imagine, I am not particularly enamoured with. When I am around my wife, I am constantly reminded of both of those failures. Not because she is throwing it in my face. These feelings are purely self imposed. And I feel bad. I mean really bad about that for her. I failed her. Something that I never wanted to do. But the bottom line is that I have. Period. Full stop. She is still very bitter right now, but civil towards me, so we are doing okay, but I am sure she is looking forward to moving out next month and being away from me. So how did I fail as a man? I would guess that is because I am not a male?? Duh.!

 

All that to say that I am determined not to be a failure as a woman. To be true to myself, be what I am and who I am. I think it is important now to focus on not failing myself. But I fear that is going to be easier said than done. Here’s hoping that I have a chance to coast down hill between the up hill climbs every now again as I prepare to depart on the next leg of my journey?? And a much different journey than I had envisioned a year ago. But I am 100% certain it is the right one. Now, where is that on ramp??? “Recalculating”…

 

March 30, 2015

Had another session with my gender specialist today. She needs one more to finish her assessment. That will happen the third week of April. Then, off to the endo. She is still talking about how this is going to work moving forward, so it would appear that she is still going to recommend going on HRT as a result of her assessment. So I am taking that as a good sign. She suggested that I speak with my regular Dr to get a referral to the Endo that my therapist is recommending. If I do that, health insurance will cover the cost of the endo. So gonna do that for sure. That appointment is going to be this Wednesday. That is going to be an interesting discussion. He knew about my GD from 17 years ago, so won’t come as a complete shock. But still, I have known him for 30 years, so we have a history. I think it will be okay. He is a pretty open minded guy and just wants the best for me.

 

I also have an appointment with a hair treatment place on that day as well. So that will be a busy day. If it doesn’t work at that place (i.e. not TG friendly or don’t have a solution I like), my therapist told me today she has a few places in Ottawa that she sends her patients to, so that will be the fall back. Good to have a plan B, especially for a planner like me !

 

And so the week starts…

 

March 29, 2015

Just got back from 3 days in New Jersey at the Scuba show. Had a good time. It was a perfect break from everything that is my life. It was good to be with some friends that share a similar passion as I do about scuba diving. For some people, this is the only time I see them, once a year at this event. For others, I see them all the time as we go as a group. But everyone gets into the “scuba zone” and that dominants all the discussions. It was good to get outside of my head for a change and not think about my GD. That is not to say it wasn’t kicking around. I had a half day of no workshops or seminars, so my dive partner – with whom I drive down with and shared a room to save $$$ – took off into Manhattan to play tourist and do a bit of shopping. 20 minutes by bus from our hotel and voila, there we were, in Times Square. I love Manhattan and have been going there every year for about 8 years, so I am comfortable getting around and finding things. After a stop at B&H Camera – THE store for all things photography, we head over to 5th ave for a stroll. That is where I sort of sabotage myself a bit. The Spring fashions were out and i kept seeing some many cute outfits in store windows that I would kill for. But alas, had to keep on walking. He doesn’t know anything about Erin yet, so not the time or place. But it was a bit of a kick in the gut. Should have known better. Oh well. At least I know now what is trending!! .

 

All in all, a good time. Drive home was fine. Six hours door – door. Not a problem. Glad I went. Now, back to the cold (literally and figuratively) hard realty of my life at home.

 

March 26, 2015

It is going to be a long next 3-4 days. I am going to a trade show/conference in Jersey and will be in complete male mode the entire time. UGH!!

 

I am driving there this evening with my dive partner and we are sharing a hotel room. I will also be with 4 other people from my dive shop helping out with their booth etc on the trade show floor. So it is an “all guys” weekend. This is a bit of a tradition for us, being the 5th year we have been going and I have gotten to know a lot of other people that go there, so it is a good time to catch up. It is the largest scuba diving trade show/conference in North America (2-3000 thousand people attend) and always a good time, with lots of big names in the industry present. It is always good to chat and catch up with Jean Michel Cousteau, Jacques Cousteau’s son.

 

Anywho, while it is a lot of fun and I always learn something new at the workshops and seminars, it is along time in all guy mode. But I will be really busy, so the time will go quickly. Given my transition time line, I am not sure if this one will be my last show in guy mode or not. I suspect that I will not be far enough along by this time next year to be out to my dive team, so probably one more year after this before that happens. But we will see.

 

I believe my wife is more than happy to not have me around for a few days. Will give her some time to decompress. While I don’t push anything on her, or have my fem self “up in her grill” so to speak, I can tell she is not happy with me being around. I think she just wants me out of her sight. Nothing like feeling unwanted and icky by having someone disgusted with who you are…..

 

Well, there’s a least one therapy session in that alone!!

 

The good news is that the weather is getting warmer…finally, and the days are getting longer which is awesome. And, you know what? I am sleeping just fine for the most part, happy with who I am and the path that I am one. While this whole thing is sad, I am coming to the realization that a lifetime of battling this GD is enough. I am too tired to fight it. “resistance is futile”, I will be assimilated. But I am okay with that. Bring on the warm comfort of being Erin. I am ready. If I am going to fight anything, that, to me is worth fighting for.

 

So, out of contact for the next four days (internet access at the venue and hotel is crappy at best).

 

March 25, 2015

Made an appointment with a specialty wig shop here in town for next week. I am not sure if they are TG friendly, so it may be a very short visit!!?? I will be honest with them right up front to make sure they are comfortable with me and that they have a true interest in helping me. Basically, looking for a two part solution. Something to have right now as summer approaches and I go full time everywhere except work. So that means something that I can easily put on and remove. The second part would be if they can do something a bit more custom and just make a “topper” to cover my follicaly challenged areas (aka male pattern baldness, ugh) and blend it with my natural hair which I am going to grow out so that when I go 100% full time, if they can do that. The goal would be to have a wig that looks like the topper with my hair, so that it would be a “seamless” switch. So, I don’t know if they can really do that. Their website indicates that they do have a system something like that, so we will see. I like the idea of a system, as it is bonded to your scalp and you can be active and not worry, such as running, swimming, showering, etc with it on.

 

Hopefully they can help me??

 

March 24, 2015

Feeling pretty good so far this week. Things are calm on the home front. Hoping it lasts, at least for a little while. I am sure it will all go south again as we both adapt and change to what is going on, but I am hoping that we can achieve some type of equilibrium if that does happen.

 

Laster treatments are going well. Half way through and notice some nice results. It is great to have fabric just glide across my face (turtle necks and scarfs, etc) with no stubble to grab at the soft fabric. It is little things that make my day right now, so taking time to celebrate small victories.

 

My creativity is coming back. Dashed of a quick poem last night, post in the the writers forum here. It is not great, but it is a start. I used to write a lot when I was much younger, much, much much younger . Also composed a piece for piano, “From the Ashes”, so feels good to have that outlet back in my life after all these years.

 

I have another session with my gender therapist next Monday, which should be the last for her official assessment. Though I am thinking that I might keep an ongoing relationship with her as a resource should I need it (more like When, not should ).

 

And, this is a short week as I am off to a conference on Thursday for 3 days. it will be nice to have a change of scenery and see friends that I haven’t seen since the conference last year.

 

Game plan for right now is still “left foot, right foot, repeat”….. sticking to basics….

 

March 23, 2015

Well, its Monday. Despite that, feeling pretty good

 

Had a much better day yesterday, though had to work for a bit. I am going to start to try to be more upbeat and positive at home, well actually everywhere, but especially at home. More patience, more relaxed and engaged, and see how that goes. I have decided that I don’t have to apologize anymore for who I am. And while I don’t want to flaunt my GD in her face, I am not going to hide it as much. So dressing pretty androgynous these days. I was in desperate need of new Pyjamas (I know, overshare?? ) so I picked up three Tommy Hilfiger women’s sleep sets, short sleeve T for the top and long pant for the bottom, in pretty colours that I really like and oh my gosh they are sooooo comfy!!. But they are pretty tame as in they are not satin and lace, so would be okay to wear around the house. But they do have lots of pinks and pastels in them. So I won’t wear them around the house and throw it in her face. Just in my bedroom (she moved out of the bedroom until she moves out of the house next month). Anywho, that type of thing, try to do little things to keep my sanity, but out of consideration for her, not push any of her buttons. So we will see how that goes.

 

So, off to a better start. Though I anticipate there will still be days when I have a meltdown….emotions are pretty close to the surface …and sometimes a good cry makes me feel better. “Welcome to the club” as someone told me.

 

Onward and (hopefully) upward ??!!??

 

March 21, 2015

A bit of mixed bag emotionally today. Was okay for the most part. Spent some time chatting with my dive team which is always fun – though sometimes quite crude – but alas, they are what the are!! But they are great guys and I literally trust them with my life. Then groceries, make bread, all going okay, sorta. Then while making dinner, all of a sudden I completely lost it and just began to cry. And I mean cry! I tried to hold it together but wasn’t going to happen. My wife tried to console me, and rubbed my back and I was able to gather myself. We then had a chat about how my session went with my gender therapist a few days ago and that wasn’t bad. But she certainly has a glass half empty attitude on how well I am going to be able to pull this off. Not exactly encouraging from someone who wants to “still be friends”.

 

Oh well. I guess that is par for the course. At some point I am going to have to put on my big girl pants and just get with the program.

 

March 20, 2015

So, better today. As luck would have it, I had an appointment scheduled yesterday with my gender therapist, so I was able to pour all of this out on her. She was awesome. She was not surprised, as over 50% of her patients separate with their spouse as a result of all of this (though there may have been other contributing factors). She was able to give me some really good strategies for dealing with this, both short and long term. I have over a month before she moves out, so time to wrap my head around it and not do anything rash. Both our kids are going to be home for the Easter long weekend, but we have decided not to tell them at that time until we have more a more concrete “communication strategy” in place. Also, we don’t want to tell our youngest until after her exams are over at end of April. Law school courses are all 100% finals, so we don’t want her to be distracted. Things are civil at home right now. My wife is tripping over herself to be considerate, so I am trying to stay positive and pleasant. So I think we are both looking forward to having the kids home. So that will be fine.

 

On a side note….I sometimes feel odd when at home with her because I know how much she doesn’t want to be there. That makes me feel somewhat unwanted (for lack of a better term).

 

On a positive note, my therapist yesterday said she only needs one more appointment to complete her assessment and recommendation to go through to see an endo. She is realizing how much work I have done over the years with my current therapist and this is a genuine case of GD. She also is encouraging me to be Erin as much as I am comfortable with once my wife moves out. If I want to go full time except for work, she supports that. I must admit, that was somewhat surprising in that she is so supportive of that. Because, honestly, that was something I was seriously considering doing. So, we are on the same page there. I asked her point blank if she sees any “red flags” regarding my diagnosis as GD and getting to an Endo for HRT and she said nothing yet to indicate that HRT is not the right way to go. So, if all goes well, should be starting HRT in June??!!

 

She also wants to make sure that I have some support around me. So will probably continue with my regular therapist here in town. She also wants to make sure that I don’t stay in the house all the time, but get out and about as much as possible. Be around people. As male me, I never really liked to go out as I hate the way I look and didn’t want people to see me. But as my true self, I LOVE going out ! Shopping, walks in the park, movies, tours around the area in one of the sports cars, festivals, outdoor patio bars/restaurants on the waterfront, etc., I love it all. So I will be sure to get out! I am also planning on some day trips on weekends to Toronto and Montreal to visit friends who know about Erin. Look out folks !!!

 

Last, I have the contact info for a TG specific support group in town that someone was aware of. I am not sure want they are all about, but they meet one Saturday a month. I now have the contact info for the “organizer”, so will reach out to them.

 

So overall, as much as this is crappy, it is (and feel somewhat odd saying it) exciting at the same time?!?!?

 

Thanks to everyone for notes of support over the past 24-36 hours. It means so much. Our conversations help to keep me grounded and focused on the big picture.

 

stay tuned…..

 

Erin

 

March 19, 2015

And so it ends…..

 

Not a good day, or night, last night. My wife asked me to speak with her when I got home from work at 8:30. At which point she announced that she is moving out, probably as of May 1. She has contacted a divorce lawyer and wants a formal separation on the way to divorce. She is not on board with anything to do with my GD. So, what could I say?? She said there was nothing I could say. Mind made up. She wants it to be amicable, still wants to be my friend, but can’t stay. A very quick conversation, about 20 minutes. I told her honestly where I was in my head space. That I have been working with 2 specialist around all this and that I don’t have all the answers or know how it is going to end. I told her that there was nothing that she could call me, nothing that she could think of me that I haven’t said or thought already. Nobody hates this more than I do. I didn’t choose this. Nobody hates the male me more than I do. No one can by more sad or depressed about this than I am. So, go ahead, and rant at me. Get it out of your system. I have cried everyday for the past 6 months. I can take it. And the conversation ended shortly thereafter.

 

I then tried to force feed myself just to get something in my stomach as I hadn’t eaten all day, but quite frankly did not feel like eating either. She joined me in watching TV while I tried to eat. Can’t remember what was on, but apparently it was funny, as she was laughing and smiling as if nothing had just happened. I think in her mind she is just relieved that she told me and that I wasn’t go to try to convince her to stay. And that is that.

 

Check one of my list…..marriage over – check.

 

and so it begins….

 

March 18, 2015

Just by pure happenstance, I stumble across a documentary last night on TV titled “Transgender Parents”. It is a Canadian production (http://www.transgenderparentsdoc.com) that I had never heard of – my bad. It follows 5 transgendered couples and looks at their triumphs and struggles. A couple of Transmen, a single transman, a transwoman and her partner with new born, a single transwoman living with one of her married children, and a now single transwoman living in Toronto. The link is that they are all parents, in varying stages of parenthood. Some just starting out, others with older children who have their own lives. It was very well done.

 

But there was one story that really scared me. The single transwoman now living in Toronto. She transitioned when she was 47 if I recall correctly. She was living in a smaller centre North of Toronto, had the whole enchilada, career, house, family etc. She lost it all. I mean LOST IT ALL. Lost her job, her family, her children and was basically run out of town. Now living on assistance in Toronto and rebuilding a career as an advocate/activist.

 

That was very scary for me to see. You never really now how it will all unfold. You think that you will be okay. Have the bases covered, learn of all sorts of positive support and protections with your company etc, but you never.really.know… until it happens. That is what scared me. All of my research with my organization etc, indicates I will be fine. I have no evidence to the contrary. But that really did hit home for me. Nothing like the cold slap of reality to wake you from your dreams….

 

March 17, 2015

One thing that has sorta been niggling away at my furry little brain lately is fashion. Now, before anyone gets bent out of shape about that being more a CD thing than TG thing, I will get there shortly. So, this past winter I have been able to dress quite androgynously at work and other places. That is because there are plenty of women’s sweaters and long sleeve “T shirts” etc that are quite neutral, including turtle necks etc. Some cuts of women’s khaki’s (or Dockers) are quite neutral as well. So in the colder weather, it has not been a problem. However, not sure what I am going to do once the weather warms up (assuming it every will…..frig, this has been a long cold one…but I digress….)

 

So with so many lovely spring and summer fashions arriving that I would love to get, not there yet. So have to figure out how I can avoid wearing masculine clothes while at the same time not totally outing myself. Maybe some women’s golf or athletic short sleeve shirts in subdued colours etc?? WE can do that at work once the summer months arrive. So I have to think about it.

 

Why is this a concern you ask?? Why not just wear men’s clothes at work??? Because I friggin’ HATE them, that’s why. It is bad enough that I still have to see some beard shadow when I look in the mirror. Still bad enough that I have to go through the motions of shaving. Putting on men’s clothes is the final lot in the GD trifecta for me. Doing that every day??? I just want to punch life in the face. So, ahem….that’s why. Sorry for the rant.

 

Anywho….just one more thing to think about….perfect, just what I need.

 

March 16, 2015

Had a great sessions with my regular therapist this afternoon. She is very pleased that the session with the gender therapist went well. She noted that I am fortunate to have a good support network of professionals and friends (you know who you are…thank you!!!) While family (ie wife) continues to be a challenge, she is mindful that I am getting stronger and have accepted that my relationship might end. She is not as concerned with how that might impact me negatively as she was 6 months ago. Oh sure, it will have an impact, but won’t be devastating. And if it doesn’t end, all the better.

 

She came to the conclusion that the “incident” yesterday with the dive was my brain’s way of protecting me, letting me know that it has enough to process without adding an extra level of complexity such as leading a dive under more than 2 feet of ice. It is good to know that my self preservation instincts are very strong. Perhaps Erin’s way of protecting me, that is to say, herself.

 

We chatted about a few other things and she had a few good observations about how to continue getting stronger as Erin, and some coping mechanisms moving forward. She noted that things will probably get a bit more awkward moving forward before they get better as I enter the “grey zone” of transition before going full time. So we can plan for that.

 

Not often I have a good Monday, but this was one of ’em!😀

 

March 15, 2015

Interesting self realization today….

 

I was to participate in an ice dive with my team today, sort of a “keep up skills” event and a bit of fun. Ice 28 inches thick. Hole was 6 feet by 3 feet. Water temperature 32.5 F. Visibility under the ice, about 80 feet. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it- which for me is really odd. So I stayed on the surface with the rest of the support team, emergency divers etc, to help out. Was good to still be involved.

 

But the realization that I came to was that I just didn’t trust myself to keep myself safe. You have to be on your “A” game in these situations, to be able to respond should something go sideways, and in that environment, it often can. But mentally, it is taking all that I have just to “keep it together” in the best of situations. This GD is taking its toll mentally. It is exhausting for me. My training would have probably kicked in should something have happened, but I didn’t trust that I had what it took mentally to keep myself safe.

 

I just couldn’t bring myself to slip under the ice. It terrified me a bit, which has never, ever happened regardless of when or where I have been diving. From 150 deep, 5 levels down in the bowels of a battleship, to visibility that is less than 2 feet. Nothing bothers me. But today…oh brother….it was not good.

 

My take away from this is that my “self preservation” instinct kicked in and is stronger than the dark side, so I am taking that as a good sign….

 

Stay out of harms way.

 

March 13, 2015

Last night was a bit of a scramble. Had some time to myself, so after voice practice, I thought I would work a bit with makeup. I find that I am needing less and less as Laser treatments progress, so trying to figure out what will work now. Anywho, I am fully in Erin mode and just finished my one “test run” of make up and hair and pull out the drawer to put my hair brush away when the whole thing falls down into the cabinet ! What the hell is going on?!?!? Turns out, one of the guides, or whatever you call those thingies that keep the drawer sliding, broke. (don’t ya love when I talk all technical like ??!! ) .

 

So, now what. Off go the yoga pants, one go the jeans and runners and off to Home Depot I go. (side note: I am not one to wear yoga pants outside the house unless I am doing yoga, but that is just me).

 

Get to Home Depot, have to ask for help ’cause I can’t find where the piece that will fit my drawer is hiding in the massive warehouse of “stuff”. Voice was better, but not anywhere near perfect yet (lots of time needed for that), so I may have been clocked, but no reaction if they did. I really didn’t care. I just wanted to get the piece and get outta there and fix the damn drawer.

 

In the end, all was repaired. Took me all of ten minutes to replace it and “stuff” everything back in. Holy crap, makeup takes up a lot of space !!??

 

Happy Friday!!

 

March 12, 2015

It is interesting how GD has an ebb and flow to it. Even though I am on a pathway to move forward, my brain still gets caught up in the whirlwind of emotion. It is not content to be happy that the decision has been made and a way we go. From day to day I notice that my attitude changes. One day, I am fine, see that I am making progress, content with baby steps. Other days, WTF sorta hits and I feel like crap, and then days like today when all I can think about is getting there…..NOW ! I am surrounded by women, just being who they are, going about their job etc and I just want to crawl inside their bodies and be done with it.

 

Sometimes this can all really be a pain in the *ss……

 

March 11, 2015

When I was at my aesthetician’s appointment last Friday, a colleague of mine who works down the hall from me stopped in to make an appointment. Needless to say, she was quite surprised to see me in the “waiting room”. (She needed to have some work on her nails done). So we joked about getting toenails done, etc. She took it all in stride. I have seen her since in the hallways etc, and she has not said anything. So, not sure what she is thinking. I am pretty sure she won’t mention it to anyone…not a big deal, not concerned about that. But this is yet of another instance of leaving a trail of breadcrumbs regarding TG. This will be the fourth or fifth person that has probably seen a bit of a clue, or made a minor remark that I have previously written here about. Individually, in isolation, they are no big deal. But if for some bizarre reason they were to all get together to compare notes, they would see a pattern for sure. Fortunately, for now, the likelihood of this happening is well, let’s say, I am more likely to get hit by lightening twice in one day. So, just goes to show, no matter how careful you think you are, there will always be something. Fortunately, neither Nancy Drew, nor Frank, Joe, Chet or Biff are around!!!

 

Happy Hump Day!!

 

March 10, 2015

Thinking today about the side effects of spiro….wholly crap! There are a bunch of them, and some of them I had not heard of. So learned something new today! More questions for my therapist and Endo when I get to see her.

 

Also continuing to do my voice exercises. Singing in the car a full octave higher has help to stretch my range, but have to be careful to not over do it. Don’t want to cause any damage to my vocal chords. The breathing and pitch exercises a la Kathe Perez are also helping. I am a natural “belly breather” versus chest breather, so that helps. I am at the point that I can hit A3 out of the blue, no problems. But when I speak, I get lazy or something and drop to a B, B#. So still lots of room to work for sure.

 

Other than that, pretty quite…and the beat goes on…..

 

March 9, 2015

Had another chat this morning with my friend at work who is FtM. We chatted about my recent session with my “new” therapist and stuff. Had a great chat. He had some really good observations about my situation and able to provide insight from his experience coming out to his family. Which, as it turned out, was absolutely terrible!! 15 years later and no one acknowledges it, except his sister who only last year said transitioning was a good thing. That really sucks for him!! Good to further develop a little local network for me, so it was really good to chat.

 

No other Erin related meetings this week. But next week is stacked up! Monday is meeting with my main therapist. Tuesday with my Athletic Therapist for a nagging shoulder issue from a rescue to year ago, Thursday is another session with my “new” therapist, and a laser treatment !! Le pant, Le Pant….. better eat my wheaties next week !!

 

March 8, 2015

quite day. Had to work, so not much of a weekend. Noticing more and more how smooth my face feels and caught a look in the mirror on my way out the door that with some very basic light foundation and nude lipstick, the look is more and more less male and more female. So things are going along nicely with laser. Not anywhere near done, but it is at least good to see progress.

 

I am curious about how much change I can expect being on T blockers alone when the time comes. My therapist chatted with me last time session that she usually recommends just T blockers for the first while and then adding estrogen. I am not sure how much change I can expect just on T blockers alone. I know, YMMV, but still, I would expect both at once would be better?? Certainly going to revisit that during our next session next week.

 

March 7, 2015

Pretty quiet today. Making bread, cleaning up a few things and trying to figure what is going on with one of our satellite receivers. Darned if I know what it is. So call into service to have someone come and take a look next week.

 

In the news however, a different story. One good news item is that an all women’s college in Boston just announced that it has official changed its admission policy to welcome applications from trans women. Very cool!!Faculty, staff and students have been wanting this for a while and the board just passed the motion. So it will welcome cis women and trans women as applicants. It also stated that it would assist those cis women who transition ftm while enrolled to either complete their program or transfer to another university. Their choice. So the only population it will continue not to serve is cis men.

 

On a sad note, a trans woman in Colorado was denied access to a mammogram at a breast screening clinic as she is not a genetic female. So she is suing the clinic. Will be interesting to see what happens with that. Also, in Victoria British Columbia, a woman is protesting against a new bill that is supposed to protect the right of the trans population, but disallows trans people to use a public washroom for their presenting gender. They have to use the one of their biological gender. She took a picture of herself fixing her lipstick in a men’s room showing a row of urinals in the background. This was to demonstrate how ridiculous the clause is. And she looks amazing. It just looks all so out of place. The author of the amendment (not the original author of the bill) states that it is for the protection of genetic women from predators who may attack them in the washroom. The article points out that a trans woman is more likely to get attacked in a men’s room than a cis woman in a ladies room. Will see how that turns out.

 

So just when you think there is a glimmer of hope, something stupid comes along. But hey, ha gotta celebrate the small victories or else it can be a very long day!

 

March 6, 2015

Yesterday was time for my regular visit to my aesthetician. It was time for a back wax. Ya, I know, sounds disgusting ! Well….that’s ’cause it kinda is !! . Can’t stand body hair, but back is especially “icky”. Now, I don’t know that much about human evolution, but last time I checked, we weren’t living in caves. So what the hell is the purpose?? You’d think we would have evolved passed the need for body hair (particularly on the back), but alas, apparently not.

 

So, off it comes! It is to the point that it is really fine and comes out very easily, so it only takes 15 minutes with minimal discomfort and I am good to go. Feels soooo much better ! Tops just “glide” on…it is marvellous. I have looked into laser for my body hair, but my therapist is strongly recommending that I wait to see how much HRT will impact it before I spend the money. So that is what I am doing. I can reach everywhere else, but not my back, so I go to Marilyn to get that done. She is in the building right next door to mine at work, so I can zip over at lunch time to get it done. She is so awesome! She is very knowledgable and talented and has a whole range of services. She was able to give me a few great tips about my nails yesterday as well (they are really brittle right now). Turns out it is the cold weather that is drying them out, so she told me how to repair that.

 

I will also get her to shape my eyebrows later on in the summer when I am ready to get that done. I have been doing that myself, but really needs a professional touch. And no, I have not come out to her yet, but will when the time is right. She will be fine with it. She is a pro and happy to have the business, plus we get along so great!

 

Happy Friday!!!!

 

March 5, 2015

I am noticing more improvement regarding laser treatments ! Hooray! I have smooth areas on my cheeks, chin and neck. Still a bit of dark hair on upper lip, outer area of chin and along the jaw line. Pretty much all the “stubborn areas” that the tech said would take a bit more. However, it is working nicely!!. I notice that a little bit of tinted moisturizer for the most part is sufficient to hide any shadow. Next session is two weeks from today. It still “zings” a bit, but it is sooo worth it. Can’t wait!

 

Nice to have something go right, for a change!!

 

March 4, 2015

FINALLY….no, not about starting HRT… I wish! But on a positive note…I have lost some weight. I Finally broke the 180 lbs barrier. For some reason that has always been a tough nut for me to crack. But finally did it. Lost 18 pounds in the past 4 – 5 months. About a lb a week, which is what I am shooting for. A very slow, but careful weight lose regime. Hit 178 lbs yesterday. One happy camper here ! And yes, I need to keep going, but finally some encouragement. And for me, this is a big deal. You see, food is my go to comfort. When I am depressed, I eat. A lot, and most times, not very healthy. And given everything that is going on in my life, as I am sure many can relate to, a general sense of malaise hits me at times. And what do I really want to do to feel better?? You guessed it, feed my face. But I have resisted that urge and tried really hard to maintain a healthy diet balanced with regular exercise, and it finally seems to have paid off. So, I continue on this quest to carefully loose more weight. Not sure what my goal is and I know that it will change with HRT, so I think this is going to be a long term, big picture type of goal.

 

Until then, I am taking the small win, and celebrating with celery sticks!! Yup, that’s right, you heard me….I am just that type of wild and crazy gal !!

 

March 3, 2015

Well, in an effort to improve my voice (which is a daunting task to be sure ), I picked up the EVA app by Kathe Perez in the App Store for iOS. I figured for $5 a pop, what have I got to loose?!

 

I was actually presently surprised. Very easy to use. They have a mix of video instruction by Kathe, followed by exercises that provide immediate feedback as to how you are progressing regarding breathing and pitch. There are also practice exercises so you can work on your own without the app as well. I did the breathing module last night and made some significant progress. I now have a better understanding of proper breathing technique and what this “resonance” thing is all about. I think there are 4 or 5 modules out right now. I have the one on breathing and part one of Pitch. If I recall, there are 3 more on Pitch and apparently more on other topics on the way as well.

 

So, this will give me something to work with, to hopefully improve. Just changing my breathing I notice an immediate improvement, so here’s hoping !!

 

March 2, 2015

Had to work yesterday, so not much time for anything else. It was just on of those “let’s just make it to the end of the day” type of days.

 

Late in the evening, I was informed by my wife that one of our satellite receivers was’t working. The other was, so not a reception issue. I sort of looked at her as if to say, “and, what am I supposed to do about it?” But I didn’t. After 30 years of marriage, I have learned a few things. But honestly, what the hell do I know about satellite receivers??? Absolutely nothing. But as I am the male, I guess I am supposed to do something about it. So I poke around a bit, push some buttons, reset, unplug, plug it back in…. Nothing. So I give up. Will try to call customer support when I am at home tonight to see if they can give any productive solutions.

 

Why to women think men should be able to fix stuff??? Come to the rescue?? What is it with that??? I hate, HATE, working with tools and doing any type or repairs or renovations. I suck at it. I don’t like it. and I don’t do it. That is why they have trades people. I like to think that I create employment and stimulate the economy by hiring these talented folk to do the voodoo, that they do, so well. (to coin a phrase. )

 

It is expectations/stereotyping like that, that just p*sses me off sometimes. And I guess at some level, reinforces that I am a failure as a male. Which on the one had bothers me a little, but on the other just reinforces that I need to be the real me. The world is just going to have to get used to that. The real me is not who I am now, but who I am working towards becoming. And, that, as they say, is a good thing !