August 31, 2015
Interesting day with my youngest daughter on Saturday. Spent the day shopping for stuff for her apartment. It was a blast actually. It was good for us to just have time together, just the two of us. We didn’t have any conversations about the divorce or my transition. And for the most part, that was a decision on my part. I think she just really needed to spend some time with her dad and see that I am still that person inside. So, I think it was the right move at this time. However, at some point, we are going to have to have conversations around all of this as the “train has left the station” and she is going to have to get up to speed and not bury her head in the sand and things are going to move along with me and my transition…..
but, a good day, so a small victory….
August 28, 2015
witness to the ups and downs of this journey. Two days ago was great, yesterday, not so much. First, found out my dad (89 years old) has been in the hospital for 3 days and I just found out. Argh !! Usual stuff for him so not surprising in a way, but still…..ugh. Then my youngest daughter, who is struggling a bit with my whole transition thing, stated she still doesn’t fell she can step in my house yet as she is not prepared for the memories (I have the marital home as part of the agreement). She said she wants to go to “grief counselling” first. That really broke my heart. So having to deal with it. Then the third thing is that the hot tub is inoperative. I know, I know, very much a first world problem. But that is my one indulgence that makes my body feel much better, helps to release stress and relaxes me so I can sleep. I don’t know how much the part is to fix it, but that could be an issue as well. So, there you have it. My three issues for the day. They say trouble comes in threes, so I am hoping that is it for a while!!
On the bonus side, I did have dinner out with my daughter, given she didn’t want to come to the house for dinner. Pleasant enough. Talked about everything but my transition and her issues with it. So she is not ready to deal with that. But I may force the issue a bit on the weekend. I need to see where she is at, so I can better understand and provide her with the support and info she needs when she is ready for it. So we will see how that goes.
Today is going to be a better day I expect. So, ya, this is certainly an emotional roller coaster that I have strapped myself into.
Are we having fun yet?????
August 27, 2015
An interesting session with my main therapist yesterday. Two things emerged. One, how fortunate I am to have the resources to deal with all this in such a supportive environment. I told her I know that is definitely not the case for many women that I know of. So I am thankful for that. Second, that a lot of what I have gone through/am going through, has to deal with abandonment issues. My mother literally and figuratively abandoned me when I was in my teens. My father a little bit later (figuratively speaking). I had two very serious relationships in my twenties in which I was abandoned both times, the latter one being a fiancé . Then rebounded into my ex and married her. I was determined not to be abandoned again, so I did everything I could in the next 30 years to keep everyone happy….except me. So now, I am working on making me happy. (Stop feeling guilty about it!!!) But then, when I “come out” I get abandoned by my in-laws, who, in the past 30 years were more like parents to me than my natal parents. In fact, I called them mom and dad. So we talked about that for quite a while. So I have to stop thinking it is my fault. It isn’t. I am going to be who I am going to be. Either they are on board or not, but the train is leaving the station.
So, it was an interesting session and very helpful. I felt quite liberated at the end, and more at peace. I even got totally clocked by a group of 6 high school students on my 15 minute walk back to my car. You know what? I didn’t care. It was a gorgeous day for a walk. I felt great. Life is what you make it. I was fine.
Baby steps??? Not sure…this one felt like a giant step. But a victory none-the-less.
August 26, 2015
Had my monthly appointment with my athletic therapist last evening. She is so awesome. Her staff is so welcoming of me, it is definitely a safe haven for me. Anyway, this was the first time she met Erin. She was ecstatic ! She told me I would have to come to her house to give her a makeup lesson as I looked way better than she did!! And she was very impressed with my voice. It has come along way, but still some ways to go, but she is very happy with how that is going. So, another little victory…..small steps baby, small steps….
August 24, 2015
Well, all my in laws are gathering for a brunch today. I am sure my ears will be burning. The are completely clueless….they think this is a lifestyle choice. And refuse to get my side of the story. It is so frustrating. They only have one side of the story from my ex. All I did was make a decision to live. Now, ironically, I am dead to them. So I move on…. I try to anyway…..
August 23, 2015
one of those days. Started by spilling half of the pancake batter on the kitchen floor, no clue how that happened. Then spilt my coffee when I was cleaning the hot tub. The dog has been on my case all day, following me around, wanting in, then out, then in then out. She is just having difficulty settling. Like taking care or a 2 year old again!! My girls are back from their holiday in Boston with their mother. My oldest informed me that my ex wants to take them on a cruise to Alaska next summer, so they should plan for that. Boston, now a cruise. I can’t compete with that. Between my meds, electro, laser, therapists and athletic therapy, and meds for the dog, I can’t swing stuff like that. Drives me nuts! I honestly don’t know what to do about all this. All I know is that I do what I can, but it won’t be any cruise. Sigh !
August 21, 2015
Had an interesting conversation with one of my colleagues this morning. We were at an early morning briefing over breakfast, and at the end she took me aside and asked if I was okay. She was commenting the I have lost a lot of weight lately (from size 14 to size 8) and she was concerned. Anywho…So she asked if I was okay, and I said – quite honestly – I’m not, but I am going to be. She asked it was my marriage – and I said, yup, that too. – she probably noticed that I just recently stopped wearing my wedding ring. (not quite sure why, but I did…..story for another day). Then she asked if I needed a hug, which I desperately did (and do), so I said yes and she gave me the biggest hug. I told her that I have an awesome medical team and emotional team supporting me, and she was happy with that. I told her that I want to bring her up to speed some time about it all when I am ready, and she said if I ever needed a hug to just stop by her office. Now, she is head of the second largest department in my organization, and I believe she will be a good ally for me when I come out and it will be critical to have an ally in her department as I do a lot of work with them. Hence her being on my list to have a 1:1 chat with at some point.
So, it continues…..
August 19, 2015
OMG….major spike in GD today. We had our annual Summer staff event this afternoon. Awesome weather. At the CFO’s cottage on the waterfront. About 100 people there. I was there to represent the C Suite team, as no one else was available. Always a fun time. However, CD spiked. And I knew it was probably going to, and tried to prepare myself for it, but H-O-L-Y crap.! It hit hard. It was difficult to see all the women in the colourful and breezy summer sun dresses and cute shorts& top outfits. They all looked so great! Okay, I didn’t pay too much attention to the 20 somethings as they look great regardless of what they wear, and that ship sailed for me such a long time ago!! . But the 30 and 40 and 50 somethings all looked great as well. I so wanted to look like them. But, this event next year, that will be me. So, I just have to remain focused on what is to come and not what was, or even is, and remember how far I have come just in the past 8 or 9 months.
But regardless….wow, it was a hit….
August 16, 2015
So, my ex is at it….again….Sigh. I honestly think she doesn’t even see what she is doing is causing any concern. It is just that she just. doesn’t. get. it.
I had a chat with my oldest on the weekend…our usual weekend end chat, always great. We talk about everything and anything. So, during our conversation, we were talking about roaming charges and her cell plan. She is going to Boston with her mother and her sister next week, and wanted to know about roaming plans to the US with our cell provider. No problem, I do that all the time, easy peasy. As her phone (all the family cell phones) are on as extra lines as part of my contract, they are on our corporate package, which we are allowed to do, so fine, they get a good rate. Therefore, technically, all the phones are in my name on the contract, however, each one is billed to their names etc. so no major issue. So my daughter just mentioned to her mother that since the contract is in my name, she didn’t know if I would have to be the one ordering the roaming package, but that she (my daughter) was going to ask me about it and see what the best way is to get this done. So, my ex immediately launches into this minor tirade asking my daughter if she was okay to talk to me about it and that she could do it if she wanted to, blah, blah, blah. My daughter, bless her soul, told her mom that of course she could talk to me about, “why wouldn’t I talk to dad about it? it’s no big deal”.
So now, my daughter had just about had it with her mom trying to “protect” her from the evil minded “ne’er do well”, freak. So, she is going to sit her down and talk to her about it. She is fed up with her trying to keep them away from me, so she has had enough. So, we will see how that goes. My daughter is really tired of people on her mother’s side (mother, and her grand mother and grandfather) being petty that she is going to tell them to grow up, act like adults as their behaviour is not helping them (my two daughters) in anyway. I suspect she will speak with her mother this week. The grandparents??? Maybe not for a while. She doesn’t interact with them as much, not a change since the separation and Trans thing, she just never really has the chance to see them that often.
Anyway, my ex doesn’t do subtle. So you sorta have to hit her with a 2X4. But I did tell my daughter to be a little gentle….she is still in mother “protection” mode. But, my daughter is right. This is long enough. My kids are both adults and it’s time to stop. It is now coming across as just petty.
So we will see…..
thus endeth the rant….
August 15, 2015
Laser treatment: a love hate relationship…that what it is. I am very pleased overall with the results, no question. But ugh, for 10 days after every treatment, my face looks like a mess. Those dead roots, dark and thick, slowly migrating to the surface. You can shave them, but they leave such a dark stain just below the surface yet visible, so very visible. Like tombstones in a graveyard. Marking the dead, but still so visible. For 10 days, until they are at such a point they fall out. For those 10 days, I once again have a dark shadow on my face. Yes, it is dramatically less noticeable than when I started but still feels like a set back. Every month for 10 days. Ick! I hate it.
Having said that, my face is almost completely clear of dark hair. One more treatment to go, then I am on “maintenance” visits, every 3 months or so. That is the love part. I just wish it was all done!!
Now, about electrolysis…..um, let’s save that for another time perhaps…
August 12, 2015
H-O-L-Y crap….talk about being emotional lately!! Don’t know what the heck is going on !! Okay, well that is not totally true. I am sure it has something to do with being on T blockers, etc., but still. The past week or so, wow, it doesn’t take much to get me teary eyed! Watched a movie the other night, Elsa and Fred (with Shirley McLaine and Christopher Plummer), and I cried at happy times, touching times and sad times. The other night, watching “Becoming Us”, I was teary quite a bit, not so much for the wedding, but just how everyone started to appreciate what Carly has been going through and being a bit more accepting of her, and that Sutton’s Father in law was able to attend the wedding, etc. Silly, I know, but I found that I just couldn’t help myself ! If I am like this now, and can’t imagine what I am going to be like after a year of HRT!! !
August 10, 2015
Well….another baby step today. Had “the chat” with the ultimate boss…the person who my boss reports to, as well as I do directly sometime for particular briefings…90 minutes later….and it was all good….sorry…I am just getting teary eyed as I type this and recalling the conversation. (note to self….buy some waterproof mascara…)
I started out describing my diagnosis and sorta of how I got to where I am now. oh, and I should mention that my boss was kind enough to join me in the conversation and I was very glad she was there to support me. Anyway….as I concluded my little “story” of how I got to where I am, he simply asked “how can I help?”. And the conversation went on from there. He asked some very pointed questions as to how I am coping, what can he and others in my department can do to support me. He suggested working from home on days that I am not doing well and my GD triggers so that I can work from the comfort of my home as Erin. That was not expected at all and very gracious of him to offer that. We also talked about communications to key personnel and to the masses when the times comes and he had some brilliant insights with respect to getting champions on board a bit earlier before any general announcement goes out and who he thinks those people would be. So, in the end, it was an extremely supportive conversation and he was so kind, and respectful and caring. I couldn’t ask for anything more from an employer and friend.
He also told me that someone else that worked for him at another company transitioned just before he started there as the head. So he was able to offer some examples of what worked well during that time. At the end of our chat, he offered to put me in touch with her so she and I could initiate a conversation and chat about how her transition went and how she worked it all out at that company. And earlier this evening, I received an email from her with her home number and personal email address along with an invitation to contact her whenever I wanted to have a chat.
That was way above and beyond duty, as they say. And I am so grateful that I have such supportive people in my life. Hence the tears now. So, another small victory, and one more step towards the end of the tunnel to my new and true life….
August 9, 2015
Attended our monthly meeting for our trans family support group yesterday. Three new people there, one trans man and two transwomen. Along with some of the “regulars”. It is always good to meet new people in our community. I was speaking with one of the “regulars” I am getting to know a bit better and she is going for SRS in Montreal in October, so I have been “pumping” her for information as that is where I am planing to have my surgery done. So that was a nice chat and she was very helpful. I am going to make sure that I try to offer what support to her and her wife that I can when they get back.
Two other take aways for me. Everyone, including CIS men and women (there to support their partners or children), said my voice was fine. One asked what I was doing for voice training to get so good! So that made me feel better about that because I am really paranoid/sensitive around my voice. I still need to work on stamina as it gets tired quickly, but at least I know when I am “in the zone”, it is the right zone. So, good for me!
The other take away I had, was to realize how very lucky I am with my transition and my life moving forward. There were a few members who are really in tough circumstances right now. One is almost destitute, has no resources at all to move ahead, so is stuck for now where she is at, which is not a particularly good place. Another one, older than me, for whom I have great empathy, is living alone and her Dr is messing with her, taking her off HRT because she (the Dr) is not comfortable dealing with it, so she is in a bit of a mess coming down, so to speak. She lives in a small rural community with no resources so we were pooling our resource list together for family MD that are trans friendly who are taking new patients (unfortunately a very rare combination up here), as well as an endo nearby, which was a bit of a challenge, but we think we found one, etc. She went away feeling much better about her situation. Neither have any family support or friends that know and support, so it is a very tough situation for both of them.
I was speaking to my sister about all this last night and realized how lucky I am to have the support of family and friends. And have resources to pay for all of this. But none of this came easy or was given to me. I worked to get where I am. I always had a full time job while working on my degrees, law school and masters degrees. No one gave me help. I have worked hard to be a good person and do the right thing (most of the time 😉 ) and help people when I can etc. But still, it was a bit heart wrenching to listing to these other women…..
Count your blessings…..
August 8, 2015
Had the opportunity to have the “chat” with another neighbor yesterday, so I did. No issues. She was very supportive and can see how happy I am. She wanted to know what she could do to help and said I could call her for anything at anytime. So, another one done! I have one more neighbor that I would like to speak with, but they are away until the end of the month, so that one will have to wait.
Baby steps, and celebrate the small victories!!
August 7, 2015
Went out last night to see a movie (Mission Impossible) by myself. Good movie! Anywho….I think this was the first time I have been to out to a movie, play or concert by myself. I must admit, it did feel a little weird. Her I was, this middle aged woman, sitting clearly by herself in a mostly empty row. So, very obvious. Everyone else was there with friends or family. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my own company, as it where. I am content to be at home, and read or watch TV, etc on my own. But there was just something….not sure quite what it was, about being out by myself when all others had companions with them. I felt a bit sad……
August 5, 2015
and another electro session last night. I feel that it is getting more and more uncomfortable pain wise, so I said that I think my skin is getting softer, and the tech said, OMG, you bet it is! She has really noticed a difference over the past month. So, in one way I am happy as that means things are going according to plan….on the other hand, it means that this is really going to start to hurt!! Drat! Oh well…most of the “heavy lifting” is almost done. Just about cleared my entire face once. Probably three more sessions and we will be done the first round. That, apparently, is the hardest as it is “first generation” hair, the toughest. They should get finer and easier to remove from here on in. In fact, I am starting to get some regrowth (10 week growth cycle), and she said it is so fine and small, that it looks like fourth generation regrowth, not second. So it could go faster than we think. Which is great….a small victory. But we will have to wait and see.
She did say at the end that she knows for sure that I am a woman…” ’cause no man could put up with this amount of pain !!” We laughed. She is hilarious…..
August 4, 2015
Totally feeling more emotional right now. Not sure what is going on….maybe the HRT. Just watched the most recent episode of “Becoming Us”. OMG. I cried. It was so emotional for me, and sad and to some degree unfair. All that hard work and sacrifice, and then a heart attack?? Just really goes to show that you have to live your life now, right this minute. There will never be another minute just like the last one.
My mantra is my signature line…and really hit home tonight…
“Life is short, and you’re dead a long time…just sayin’…”