February 29, 2016

Had a bit of a moment the other night….actually I think you could call it more of a minor melt down….

 

The good old 1:00 in the morning, brain goes to a stupid place. It wasn’t as much about transitioning, more around my physical health. The diagnosis and surgery happened relatively quickly, so I didn’t have much time to digest it. In retrospect, that was probably a good thing. From the time they ran the final diagnostic test to when I was in the OR was 16 hours, as I was place on the high priority list. So, I really wasn’t able to process what was happening. And during my recovery, I was really working on being strong from my girls so that they were not panicky.

 

I think by brain finally caught up with all that one night. I thought I was taking good care of myself, very physically active (runner, etc) ate well, not overweight, not diabetic, non smoker, not a big drinker, no high blood pressure, etc, etc, etc. But still, at my age to have open heart surgery….. What does this mean for the rest of my life? etc etc. It didn’t last long, probably about 20 minutes, but I think it was just time to let go and get it out of my system. It is interesting how transitioning took a back seat to all of this….that part of my life is ticking along quite nicely, so just a shot of perspective I guess. It’s all relative.

 

Just when you think you starting to get a handle on everything, something happens to bring you back to reality. There always seems to be something….sigh…..

 

February 28, 2016

Several interesting conversations yesterday during the “Google Hangout” (it was awesome BTW…). One was regarding the documentation of our past. Several have put together photo montages depicting their evolution from a given point in their past, to today. I don’t have any photos from my early years as I discarded them. I quickly said that if I could wipe out my past, I would, in a heart beat. I got to thinking more about that in the evening and this morning. That perhaps was too flippant a statement. I certainly want to (and have for the most part) wiped out memories of my earlier years including high school and my undergrad. An abusive mother and alcoholic father will do that. However, the years with my then wife and children have many good memories. Particularly when the GD was virtually non existent, as for me, it came in waves (though stronger with each iteration…but I digress….).

 

So, I guess, yes I would opt for erasing the first 25 years, but not subsequent, as I have a ton of memories that are great that I wouldn’t trade for the world. So, I modify my response. Once again, a case of a “knee jerk” response not being the best, thought out, or accurate answer. Sigh.

 

February 27, 2016

Had “the chat” with a very dear friend the other day on the phone. Not my preferred way of doing it. I was hoping to go see him to chat in person, but never found the time to travel the 3 hours to his place. Shame on me!! But he called a few days ago, not knowing about anything that has transpired, the separation, surgery and the biggie, transitioning. I have known him for over 15 years, and while he is at a “competitor” we did the planes, trains and automobile thing in the U.S. and all over Europe some years ago as part of a team representing Canada for the Department of Foreign Affairs and really bonded. Now, we have taken on slightly different work responsibilities, but we usually get together for a few days every year just to catch up. But I must admit, I have been dragging my heels on this one. And I’m not sure why. I knew that he was going to be okay with the transition etc. He gets all that. I think because I knew it was going to be an emotional conversation right from the get go, maybe I was putting it off??? Don’t know. Anywho, he is totally fine with it, and completely on board. He was very saddened to learn of the pending divorce, but we all are. But very happy for me.

 

He is going to make a point of coming up for a weekend when I am better and I am going to go there in July to visit. So, we are good. And I am relieved that one is over. One thing that was reinforced is that I would much rather do this in person….not quite the same on the phone. You can’t see body language etc, so tough to gauge reactions. But you do what you can, and given my current physical limitations, it really was the only way. So, I am glad that I did it. Chalk up another one for the good gals……

 

February 21, 2016

The healing continues….though it is slow going. This is certainly one of those circumstances when one has to celebrate the small victories for sure! Just getting up a flight of stairs without having to take a rest at the top is a big deal! Ha ha. But I am feeling a bit better. You know you are on the road to recovery when you realize you haven’t done anything to your eyebrows in weeks and start to tweeze and trim! Ha ha.

 

On a somewhat unrelated note, I did receive a very lovely card in the mail from one of my colleagues at work. She is an AVP in another department that I do a lot of work with. She is also a mentor to my youngest daughter, and found out from her that I am A)transitioning, B)separated c)had open heart surgery. The note was extremely empathetic of my situation and tremendously supportive of my transition. That was very heart warming to receive. This person was on the list of people to tell ahead of time in my organization, and I knew that she would be fine with it, but still, it is nice to have that confirmed. It is also important to me, both personally and professionally that I maintain good relations with her and her department, and it looks like that is all taken care of now.

 

This has been quite a long row to hoe, but so far, so good. I just have to be patient and let some things go and allow myself time to heal, in every aspect of my life.

 

February 7, 2016

So, for my loyal readers, all for of you (and I think that is counting a few of you twice!! ; )…..yuo will have noticed it has been just over a week since my last entry. Here’s why…

 

I ended up having open heart surgery this past Wednesday for a double bypass. They finally did the tests and I was put in the front of the line, so it was done immediately. In the words of the surgeon, they put me under, cut open my chest, stopped my heart, fixed it with two by pass grafts, started my heart up again and closed me up. All tolled, 5 hours. They kept me sedated one life support for an additional 24 hours as I had lost alot of blood, had a fever and they couldn’t regulate my heart rate, so they wanted my body to have some quite time to adjust.

 

So, everything is fixed and fine. They are pushing me with physiotherapy big time, have me walking the halls, climbing stairs, etc, really wanting me to literally get back on my feet. Therefore, it would appear that I am going home tomorrow, 5 days after the surgery. All the staff, Drs, and nurses have been terrific and I have been getting wonderful care. No one messed up on the pronouns or name so that has been great as it does help me to feel better.

 

Now, off for 6 weeks on home rest, so will see how it goes. It will be slow and will take a lot of work, but everyone tells me my prognosis is fantastic. Time for another walk around the ward!!! sigh….