November 30, 2015
It is always interesting how life always has a way of bringing you back to reality by biting you in the @ss…..
Had a great weekend, got back home, had my weekly electro appointment, yadda, yadda, yadda, then, it happened….
I got an email from my “ex”. It was about the separation agreement details etc…..and it was the most caustic email ever. I never thought she could hate me that much. H.O.L.Y. It was a big punch to the gut for sure! She really hates me. Well, that sort of put me over the edge. Well actually, there was no “sort of”…it did put me over the edge. I totally lost it and had a HUGE cry. 30 minutes later, I came up for air….my face was a mess, and I was drained. I was going to call my sister anyway, but this was even more of a reason. So, we chatted for about an hour, about lots of stuff, but about this as well. She also went through a divorce, although a looong time ago, but recalled that she was also on the receiving end of such hurtful correspondence. So she knew what if felt like. Anyway, felt better after that. It is great to have a sister to share things with!!
So, now, back to reality. This is going to be a really tough week at work, but I will get through it. Not mentally taxing, just very long days, so just means I will be exhausted by the end of the week. Not planning much for this coming weekend, will just need to stay put and recharge.
November 28, 2015
Spending a much needed weekend with my dear friend Jennifer. Relax, recharge, laugh, get teary…it is always the perfect weekend!! Great dinner with our friend Paula last night. That is always special! Very fun and heart warming at the same time!
Tired a “video conference” with other people on the forum. Sue joined it. The technolgy worked great. It was so good to be able to chat in real time and share experices and stories. Way better than corresponding via posts or PMs. And Sue is amazing! She looks outstanding and sounds even better. I hope I can have it all togther as her some day….it gives me hope!
November 26, 2015
There are days when it seems that you are just spinning in circles, ya know??? I had my usually monthly session with my athletic therapist last night, and she is always concerned about the impact of stress on my body. It is interesting how I didn’t really realize everything going on until you have to rattle it all off for someone. Weekly electro, gender therapy, regular therapy, athletic therapy, work, managing the home and elderly dog, keeping up with seasonal car maintenance, (changing the oil and winter tires on all the cars), yard work for winter, etc, etc, etc. HOLY…..it does add up to an insane schedule. And unfortunately, the next two weeks are going to be worse. Sometimes I just want the world to stop, let me get off and take a break for a while. But oh well…..this is the life I chose, so time to suck it up…..
November 25, 2015
Had another session with my gender therapist today. We are now only meeting about every 2 months. She is very happy with my progress and is not concerned about me at all. We discussed name and gender marker change and how that is going to work an who is to provide me letters required as part of the application process etc. She also said that there are a lot of very strong rumours that the provincial government is ready to overall the approval process for SRS to be covered under the provincial health program and that is will be super easy to be approved. She is hearing that the changes will take effect in 2016….a year before I will be ready. So that is great news. However, I am still saving my pennies to pay for it myself, just in case….yup I know…but I have always been a “braces and belt” person and over plan on really important things. I figure, worst case scenario is that I have to pay for it, but will have saved up to do so, and if it is covered, than pay off my mortgage or something…..
But that is a way down the road. For now, let’s just get through the week to get to the weekend!!!
November 23, 2015
Back home and back to reality, such as it is. Did chat on the phone with my sister last evening. Everything is good. She said that she was very grateful an happy that I went to visit (as am I) and after all that time together, she can’t picture my any other way than her sister. Which was awesome to hear. I think our time together really helped her to realize what this all means for me and that I am just that much of a better person to be around. She loves it. Good to have such a strong ally for my transition….
November 20, 2015
Spent another wonderful day with my sister yesterday. The weather cooperated so we went for a walk down by the ocean not far from her house. It was a beautiful day and it was great to spend some quiet time together to just chat and enjoy the views, the day and each other’s company. This is such a hard journey that you really to have to celebrate the little victories and be thankful when things are going well….
November 19, 2015
Well, they say it is not all unicorns and rainbows, and they were right. Not a big dealm but it is always a bit of a gut shot….
Ordered some boots the other day to be delivered to the store. Called to see if they were in, and I got “Sir” on the phone!! Ugh. Guess I was a little too complacent and let my voice go a bit. Lessoned learned….also, I know that I don’t have the stamina to do 24/7, yet I am 24/7 this week, so in a way, not surprising….
Just a gentle reminder that I still have sooooooooo far to go….
November 18, 2015
Interesting discussion with my sister today. She was saying how comfortable she is around me now. And she said that she would really like to speak with my youngest daughter (who is 24) and is struggling a bit with my transition. She would like to tell her how much I am still the same, just happier and looking much nicer!! ha ha ; ). She would like to tell my daughter to give me a chance and see how much I am the same and that her dad is not gone….just new and improved, sorta like Dad v2.0.
An interesting thought. I am not sure that my daughter will go for it. But I was glad to learn of this observation by my sister.
I also met a life long friend of my sister last evening who said I looked truly marvelous, and that my voice and mannerism etc were spot on. She would never have guessed. Probably being polite to a certain degree, but it was sweet of her to say. So, things continue to go well on my visit.
November 16, 2015
so, made it to my sisters place finally. Have had a great few days! She has been soooo supportive, it has been truly wonderful. We easily talk about anything and everything, been shopping, out for errands, going for walks and watching some truly trashy TV and loving every minute of it. She is struggling with the pronouns, only because it is all new to her. She feels way more bad about it than I do. I know it will take time, so it doesn’t bother me. She is trying and that is all that matters to me. She has been referring to me as “her sister” when she is talking with her friends on the phone etc. and is so thrilled to see me so happy and very pleased with how much at ease I am and how good I look and how well I “pass” etc. The end results is that she has become way more comfortable with me than she thought she would be this early on and now only sees this as normal for me. She has had the opportunity to experience that I am still the same ol’ me, just better looking
and happier. So that has put her mind to rest and she knows now for sure that this was the only choice for me.
So, onward and upward……
November 15, 2015
really rough night last night…rather yesterday early morning. Off to the ER in the wee hours after experiencing a lot of chest pain. I live alone, and am paranoid about my health right now, just wanting to make sure that I do everything right for my transition. Hours later, and after few tests, appears it was a combo of indigestion, stress and exhaustion. Scary for sure. But a good little wake up call that I have to find a way to take some time for myself, and really find a way to relax etc. Hard this time of year when work is 6 days a week. The winter/spring may not be much better, so I am going to have to figure something out. Have a week off starting Monday, so that will be great. And another 10 days at the christmas holiday break. So have to work something out for those in between times…..There is always something…sigh….
November 13, 2015
Had my monthly session with my “general therapist” yesterday. Another good chat. It is a time to talk about anything and everything going on in my life and not just “Trans” related issues. We took a look at where I was this time last year…to see how far I have come and what has changed. I am no longer battling depression. I am happy, living a much fuller life and waaaaay more plugged into myself, my girls, my friends and society in general. Now, that is not to say that I don’t have any “issues” to work through. I think I will always have something to work through. But now, for the first time, I am strong, positive and have the skills to deal with them. In the end she gave me a big hug and commented on how hard I have worked to get where I am today and “enjoy life….for the first time…enjoy your life”. And the bonus???? Found a parking spot right outside her offices so I didn’t have to run to far in the pouring rain in heels!! ; )
November 11, 2015
Interesting thoughts last evening….ones that haven’t surfaced since, well, forever, I guess. Decided not to stick around the house, so went to see a movie. What the heck, it was “half price Tuesday” ! So, who am I to pass up a sale!?!?! Ha ha. Anywho, the final scene of the movie is with the husband and wife. He is flat out on the bed, his clothes still all, collapsed from exhaustion. He has just returned from what he claimed to be a “client meeting” in London, when in fact he was away negotiating the release of American prisoners abroad. His wife did find out what he really did do, enters the room, sees him asleep and the look….oh my…..the look she had on her face. One of deep love, admiration, respect and pride. And it was portrayed beautifully. Yes, I did tear up. But mostly from my own thoughts. Will I ever find someone that I would look at like that, or will I ever find someone that will look at me like that? It was not a sad or depressing moment…well a little, but not really. It was….I am not sure how to describe it…perhaps one of wishful thinking perhaps?? We all deserve to have that type of relationship. I wonder if I will ever find it……
November 9, 2015
Had my monthly session with my athletic therapist who is nothing short of AWESOME! She has studied up on HRT, how it impacts the body and really works with me to make sure I am the strongest I can be. We always have such great chats….it’s almost like another therapy session! So, during our chat, I ask her if there has been any “blow back” from her staff about me and transitioning and being Erin at our appointments. I prefaced that statement with telling her how well I have been received by all her staff, but just wanted to make sure she wasn’t getting any comments or having issues with staff. She said absolutely not, no issues, and if there were, they would not be welcome to work for her company. She is also a training centre for students, as always has several interns who are on placement with her company. So I also wanted to make sure there were no issues with them. She said, “why would there be….they don’t know…hell, I would have no idea if you just walked in. You are there.” That was so good to hear and very sweet of her to say, not sure if I buy it (we are are always our own worst critic)…but good to hear……
November 6, 2015
Got a very nasty letter from my ex last night. Accusing of not caring about the children. I was furious. I was so mad I was shaking. I sent a rather terse response back, firing a shot across her bow to never, ever, accuse me of that ever again. I think that may catch her off guard. I have never raised my voice or argued with her. I always give into her in the past, and she knew it. So, this is a different response. She is lashing out because she just wants her money. That is all I am to her now. That is all the 30 years of life together means to her now, just a check.
I was so angry and upset that I just sat still in my living room, in the dark. As it turns out, I didn’t even notice the lights had turned off (a few are on timers in case I go out for the evening so the dog is not in the dark etc). It was not good. Now, I as still angry, but just going to try to cut her the check as quickly as possible and get her out of my hair. So I have been chatting with my lawyer and she is going to expedite the process. I really don’t need this crap right now…..
November 5, 2015
Well, I made it back, safe and sound…..and some what exhausted. It was an interesting experience being in Saudi, seeing exactly how women are treated. I was so very happy to be home….I was even looking forward to my electrolysis appointment on yesterday!! So, you know you have not been in good shape when you are looking forward to electro!
It also felt good to have a nice long soak, and scour away 8 days of full time male mode. So glad I will never have to do that again! Now, its back to my reality and moving on….
November 4, 2015
Well, I finally received the letter from CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) in Ontario that they received my referral from my endo for assessment for SRS. This is the only agency in the entire province that is approved by the Ministry of Health to assess requirement for SRS. So, if you want the health system to pay for it, you have to go through this agency, regardless of any other assessment, how far you are into transition etc. So stupid. ANYWAY, the very first paragraph states that they have received the referral and I am on the list for an appointment to commence the assessment process. Please note that due to the current demand, the wait time for such an appointment is two (2) years!! TWO YEARS!. Add 6 months for the assessment process and then another 18 months for a surgery date and it is 4 years before I would be having surgery!!! EXCUSE ME???!!! No thank you. That is why I am going to save and pay for it myself. With a suitcase of cash, I can get a date 8 months after the consult with the surgeon, so given that I will have met all the criteria and already have my assessment done and the go ahead from 3 doctors and therapist, it will be 18 months from now for surgery. Not 4 Years! That is just criminal! Many don’t have the resources do pay on their own and have to wait. How damaging is that!? The government is “looking into” the issue. Well, they have to stop talking and start doing!!
End of rant.
Happy birthday to me!