September 29, 2015
Had my last regular laser treatment on my face yesterday ! Finally…..so now its “maintenance mode” so next appointment not needed for 4 months to see what is still there if anything.
No, electro??? That is a totally different story…..still an up hill battle there….sigh.
September 26, 2015
“Is your husband home”? The very last words I was expecting to hear when I answered the door this evening. While I was in the kitchen making dinner, I hear the screech of brakes and a crunch/smash sound. I run to the door and look out to see a van off to the side, driver out apparently fine surveying the scene. Long story short, I didn’t witness anything and no one needed emergency medical assistance, so I went back into the kitchen. Well, what apparently happened is a neighbour down the street had to stop suddenly when the car in front of him came to a quick stop. To avoid hitting him, he swerved, took out the no parking sign in front of my house, cut across my lawn and came to a stop. He knocked at the door, I answered, he looked at me and asked if my husband was at home because he wanted to show him the damage to the sign and the lawn. Well, seeing as he didn’t recognize my male side, I decided to go with it. So, I said no, he wasn’t. So he said okay, and then wanted my to see the damage he did to the sign and the lawn and assured me he was going to arranged for everything to be repaired, no problem and that he would speak with my husband tomorrow night about it. So a lengthy conversation no more than 2 feet apart. So, just goes to show….never a dull moment in small city suburbia….!!
September 25, 2015
And we are back on the roller coaster….actually, never got off, but this is yet another “down” cycle…..
Really bad day yesterday. I am hyper busy, working very late, not much sleep and just an overall icky week. But I knew that was coming and tried to prepare for it. But the final straw is how poorly my youngest daughter is dealing with this. She is a mess, truly unconsolable. It was a very trying and emotional spontaneous discussion yesterday afternoon, to the point I went for an immediate counselling session. That helped a lot. But it is tough, as a parent, to not be able to do anything to help your child. It is so much worse knowing you are the cause of it. No matter what I do right now, it is wrong. She just wants to be left alone, and work it through with her counsellors, so I am taking a giant step back and letting her do her thing. But that is really hard to do. But, do it, I shall. Last night, got home from meetings late and all I wanted to do was go to sleep….I was exhausted.
So I am going to do what I need to do to get through the day. Have to be upbeat and positive as I am meeting with clients. And while I have to work most to the weekend to catch up and get back in control of my desk, it is difficult with the tsunami of issues/emotions I am working with. Going to do something positive for myself tomorrow, so a Pedi in the morning, then off to the office. Also going to try to get to bed early and catch up on some much needed sleep.
And so the journey continues…..
September 23, 2015
And the pendulum swings the other way…..Had “the chat” with the two principal partners of a firm that contracts me to provide counsel to some of their clients as part of the services this company makes available to their clients. I have known them for 20 years and worked with them for the past 10. Now, it is not a big deal for me financially as they only “assign” 20 or so clients a year and it nowhere near my usual rate, but I do it because I really enjoy it and it gets me to stretch sometimes depending on the issue(s) they are dealing with etc.
Anywho, I had a private meeting with them late last night after a number of client meetings to inform them of my transition and where I am with it etc. I have nothing but the highest respect for them both professionally and personally and don’t want to do anything that would impact their organization (a leading firm in Canada in their area), and I told them that. They were 1000% supportive of all aspects of my transition. They see it as business as usual going forward and felt truly honoured that I would trust them with this information at this time. They will support me professionally and personally at all times and want to assure me that they will do whatever it takes to make this all seamless within their organization as well. I was a bit teary as these conversations are still pretty emotional for me. But they were so caring and happy for me it was amazing. Now, I had a pretty good idea that they were going to be fine with it, but I never want to assume. I told them I wanted to know in plenty of time before I would be full time with their clients so they could think about how to approach this. They said there is nothing to think about, and when I go full time at my regular work and with them, they will “flip the switch”, change my profile in their system and move on…..
I was so relieved after the meeting. Even knowing in my heart it would be fine, hearing the words and seeing the compassion in their eyes…..well…..that is what matters.
So a reason to be a bit happier today. Celebrating a small victory…….
September 22, 2015
Well, as we all know, this is a roller coaster ride, ups and down, sheer panic and great elation. Well, yesterday was a down cycle. Had a session with my youngest daughter and counsellor. My daughter is really struggling with all of this….the separation, my transition, the pressures of law school….breaks my heart. She is completely stuck, spinning her wheels, not knowing what she needs or what she can do to move forward. So, not sure what I can do. She doesn’t know what she wants or needs from me. I have the feeling I am the totally villain for all of this. She has know idea what it was like to live with her mother for the past 5 years and I am trying to take the high road and not throw her under the bus. But I might have to open that door just a bit, without providing any details to let her know that it was no picnic for me either. So we see…..one day at a time…..
September 21, 2015
AWESOME WEEKEND!. Yup, had a great time this weekend, for many reasons. First, got to see my good friend Jennifer in Toronto and experienced her amazing hospitality by staying with her for the weekend in her lovely home. What a treat. Started Friday evening when I arrived with a great dinner with Jenn and our friend Paula. She is just a hoot and looks waaaay better than her avatar. We had a wonderful evening with great conversation about all sorts of different topics and discovered we all love to travel and shared our favourite destinations around the globe. Time just flew by. Saturday, Jenn and I went shopping with my daughter – I wanted to take her shopping for her birthday present. Success all around and I probably spent more $$$ than I should have, but when you are in stores like Columbia, J Crew, Coach, Michael Kors, Kate Spade, etc, etc….there is so much lovely stuff!! Sigh….
Sunday was quite, brunch with my daughter, then off home again. It was great to be able to just be me and relax and chat about anything we wanted to for a weekend. Girl talk, some chats regarding transitioning, and just regular chatter about work, and life in general. Overall, a very rich weekend. I have to find a way to “normalize” this, so that it is not a rarity, but something the three of us can do again. It was good for my soul and my psyche. Many thanks to Jenn for putting up with me and my pooch for the weekend (the dogs were fine together!!) and to Paula for making the time to join us on Friday. Can you say DO OVER!!
September 15, 2015
Another visit to the electrolysis Salon last night. After we were done, she handed me the mirror to check what we had done, and I had this big stupid smile on my face. I really liked who was looking back at me. It was a really brief but intense feeling of “wow…”. I have been waiting a life time for that! Almost all of my facial hair is gone, so the look is amazing!! (at least to me) Now, don’t get me wrong, I still have some work to do, as it is by no means 100% permanently gone, as this stuff goes in growth cycles, as we all know. But at this point in the cycle, there is not much there. So now at least, I now have some hope that this is going to work!
I know there will be a point of “two steps backwards” as this cycles, but right now, I will take the “one step forward” !!
September 13, 2015
Had a wonderful afternoon yesterday at our monthly gathering of our Trans Family Support group. There were about 30 people there. Three new MTF attended, each with their wife which was so good to see! There was a very young couple there for the first time with their 3 year old, who is starting to identify as a girl, who was very very cute. That was really awesome to see. Also in attendance was the family of one older couple, MTF and her wife, their children and their very young grand children, so a real family affair! It was great to see them socializing their young grand kids regarding gender. Amazing! Had wonderful chats with some of the regulars I have gotten to know and met some really neat new folks as well. One of the ones I have gotten to know over the summer is off to surgery with Dr. Brassard in Montreal next month. So I spent a chunk of time with her just to get a handle on her experience with the clinic to date. So far, everything is going to plan and she is quite happy. So that is good….I am planning on going to Brassard as well when my time comes.
Just a very nice way to spend an afternoon chatting with friends and getting to know more people in the trans community in my town.
So, yup, you guessed it, time to celebrate another small victory….HAPPY DANCE !!
September 11, 2015
Nothing like getting your nails done for a little “pick me up”. So yesterday, got my nails done and brows cleaned up. Was nice to just relax and have a good chat with my aesthetician. She’s great. Ready for the weekend!
September 9, 2015
Better day today to start. Fortunately for me, I have great friends who got me through yesterday. A few tears, but felt better by the time I went to bed. Thanks, as always, to Jenn and Kathy!!! I owe you guys big time!
September 8, 2015
Sigh….it’s going to be one of those days….the perfect storm….
Feeling crappy cuz:
Some major WTF moments
Spike in GD, not quite sure what the trigger was….
Today is my wedding anniversary
Command performance by all executive staff – major meetings – so all women looking killer in professional attire (except me…stuck in male mode…)
Grey and pouring rain
Potential hormone issue??? Have no idea about this one, but what the hell, thought I would include it…..
Today is a testament to the roller coaster we are all on for this journey…..personally, I could live without it, thank you very much….
and oh yeah, haven’t shaved since Sunday cuz I have electro this evening….so a bit fury…..ugh!!
September 5, 2015
Went to the movies last night with a GG friend of mine. First time I have been out with a GG that knew me in male mode prior to starting my transition. We had a great time, just two girls out for a fun night at the movies. No issues, no looks. It was very kind of her to offer to go out with me. She has no idea how much this means to me, though I did try to articulate to her. She texted me afterwards stating that she had fun and would like to go out again. So, a small victory for me!!
September 4, 2015
somewhat of a “premonition” event yesterday….in my mail was a notice from Ministry of Transportation. I open it up and there staring me in the face is the application to change name and gender!! Awesome! but how did they know??? So stupid me, needed to turn the letter over and see it is the standard drivers licence renewal form that has the name and gender change part on the back. But, was still an interesting moment….can’t wait until it is true!!
Happy long weekend!
September 3, 2015
Blood panels back….everything is exactly where it should be…phew…!!! I am always paranoid about my potassium levels but it is right smack in the middle of the acceptable range….so I just have to keep on doing what I am doing and not obsess about it…..
Another positive step forward….
September 2, 2015
Little more headway yesterday…had a chat with my youngest daughter….she is starting to ask questions, sort of. She has been very slow to want to receive info about my transition. She finally asked when I was planning to go full time. I told her not until July, mostly to give her enough time to wrap her head around it. She was quite relieved to hear that I think and very emotional. This is still pretty raw for her. I just wish she would want to get more info because I think in her mind the answers she is working with a worse case scenario than what the real answers are, which she would get if she would just ask me. But she is afraid to have her worst fears confirmed and is not strong enough to deal with that, but in reality, the real answers are no where near her worse case scenario. So, she would be much better off if she knew, but….
Anyway, that is what I am dealing with. So again, a small step forward….left foot, right foot, repeat……
September 1, 2015
Relatively good start to the week….if you can say that a day including electro is a good start to a week!!!
Lots on the go….not enough hours in the day it seems. By the time I get home from work, make dinner, clean up, play with the pooch, deal with any mail, bills (of which there are waaaay too many off) etc, it is pretty much bed time. They say routine and structure can be a good thing. I guess….but every now and again, something different is nice. Like when my good friend stopped in on Saturday on her way home from Nova Scotia. What a treat! Always good to chat in person. So while things can be boring, sometimes boring is okay.
Electro continues to go really well. Actually professing better than we anticipated, so that is always good. Another little step forward.
More blood work today, results should be in by Thursday. Not expecting any surprises, but always anxious to know.
So, staying busy, and planning a bit for the upcoming long weekend. Hoping my kids come home…be great to spend some time with them….