April 30, 2015
Quick meeting with my banker yesterday after work. The good news is that I will be able to keep the house on just my income, but not looking forward to having a mortgage again….ick! Oh well, if that is the price I pay for my well being, I am good with that. I only hope I will still be able to save enough for surgeries come the time I am ready. But I do have some time to save so that is good.
Yet another step forward…
April 29, 2015
Another successful conversation last night. I had my usual monthly appointment with my athletic therapist. She does wonders for relieving muscle strain due to stress etc. and I have had a lot of stress lately as one can imagine. Anyway….I was the last appointment of the day so I asked if we could chat for a few minutes. It is a very busy practice, with trainers, athletic therapists etc all over the place so we found a quiet space to chat. I told her of the separation and how it was impacting me and my two girls. My girls also go to see her as they both have ongoing injuries due to their sports activities and of course, now, stress. So she was all over that, and while she won’t poke at them as to how they are doing with it, she will work with it if they volunteer the info and will be on the look out for additional signs of physical symptoms due to this stress. So, good, check that box off.
I then went on to reveal my GD and plans to Transition. She was all over that as well. Took it all in stride, was extremely empathetic with how this must have impacted me over the years, and now has a much better idea where all these stress symptoms were/are coming from. She rattled of a whole list of what she could do to help and will watch for signs of impact to my muscles and organs as I begin HRT. In the end she had a big smile on her face and gave me a big hug. She is so awesome! So another professional on my team to help me through all this. I was really happy and felt another burden had been lifted as yet another person in my circle is both aware and fully on board.
Another small victory…time to celebrate……OOPA!!
April 28, 2015
Things are getting a bit better, or at least not getting any worse, with the kids, around the separation and my transitioning. Spent the entire evening on the phone last night. Had a wonderful chat with Jenn and a bit of a vent on my part (sorry Jenn ! ) but was so great to be able to speak with someone that gets it and who I don’t have to pay an hourly rate to. (oh oh…don’t get any ideas Jenn!! . )
After that, chatted with my oldest for quite a while. She made it through her work day much better than she thought, so that is good. She is a teacher and has Junior and Senior kindergarten kids, so they always make her laugh…and hugs go a long way. Yup, they do. Hugs from your kids are the best medicine. She continues to be on board with me, but is still struggling with the separation. But she is coming home this weekend and she said she will probably come home most weekends for the next little while, which is fine with me. !!
Then spoke with our youngest. She is the one that is really have a hard time with things. Mostly the separation. She is also fine with me, but is still very upset that the family is now fragmented. Don’t blame her, totally get it. Everyone deals with this differently and it is okay for her to work it through in her own time and in her own way – as I tell her. She is open to seeing a therapist and has had two appointments already and feels it is helping. She is staying with her mom, which I am a bit concerned about as I don’t know what her mom is telling her, but I just have to let that go. She is moving her own apartment this week to her new place so that is keeping her busy and she is looking forward to setting it up and having her own space, so that is good. She also told me that she feels that she can’t come to my house right now as it is too much for her to handle as it will be different. Different furniture, etc, etc. and she thinks that will not be good for her. So, no problem with that. I did have to tell her however, that since I am living there full time on my own now, I have to make some changes so that it becomes my space and comfortable for me to live in as leaving things the way they were was difficult for me to deal with. She understood that. So, I think the combination of her having her own place set up by the weekend, and working full time this summer at the firm, she will be better able to deal with how I have the house in her own time.
So, we continue to move forward. I am finding that right now, left foot – right foot – repeat….seems to be working.
April 25, 2015
Well, well, well….It has been an interesting day. And exhausting, both mentally and physically. Today, I drove 2.5 hours to Toronto to join my two daughters and ex. (oldest daughter lives there, youngest daughter was there with ex for a few days of shopping for clothes for her new job in a law firm). So, this was to be one of the few times that our girls would be together, so off I go to join them in my their hotel room. The idea being, we were going to tell them about the separation and pending divorce.
So, got there and my ex looks at me and says, “it is your story, go ahead.” Not quite sure what she meant, I went into the ssiel that we agreed on about our separation. We agreed not to blame anyone, or throw anyone under the bus in “our story”, so that it what I did, stuck to the script. Basically irreconcilable differences. So, the tears start, for everyone. I stressed to the kids that we were both okay with how things are, no one is crushed, we are doing fine. It was just one of those things, we just grew apart. So once that discussion is done, my ex turns to me and asks me “so, what about the other thing, you know, your situation”. I replied that it was something for another time, another day. Well, my wife turned stone silent, and then stormed out of the room. So, there I am with our two daughters (age 23 and 26) looking at each other going WTF. So, crap. No I am stuck. I have to do it. So, deep breath and I tell them about me, my GD, and transitioning. My oldest got it right away. Youngest didn’t know what GD was, so I explained that. She then she got it. So, more tears and a few questions, just basic stuff. At this point they are totally drinking from a fire hose and totally overwhelmed. Then my ex returned. I told her I told them and she calmed down. We talked for a few more minutes and then my oldest said she couldn’t imagine how awful it must have been for me to live like this and suppressing it all, and quietly rose from her chair, gave me a big hug, said she loved me very much and was so happy that I am now going to be able to be who I really am. My youngest gave me a big hug and said she loved me very much and always wants me around. I said of course I would be. (with a lot of tears).
I looked at my ex. She was quiet and not happy and wouldn’t even look at me. It is then that the devil on my shoulder whispered in my ear that she set this up and was hoping that the kids would be totally overwhelmed and run to her for comfort. Well, if that was the case, TOTAL back fire. The angel on my other shoulder sorta shrugged her shoulders, not sure what to make of it. So the jury is still out on that. But my ex did want to speak with me in the hallway after we had finished talking, but still crying (me not her). She thanked me for telling them and that it must have been hard. No sh*t !! I told her that I intentionally did not want to tell them today as I didn’t want to overwhelm them. She did not reply to that. She simply said they were going to grap something to eat and walk around a bit before their train home and that she did not want me with them, so I should just go. Alright then….
So I go into say goodbye, when my oldest asks me if I am in a hurry to go and I said I could hang around. She said that she wanted to speak with me and didn’t go with my ex and youngest for lunch. So the two of us head out in search of a coffee shop. We talked for 1.5 hours. I answered all of her questions and asked her how much she wanted to know and she said as much as I wanted to share. So I told her everything, starting with my initial diagnosis 17 years ago and denying it and hiding it and over compensating etc to more recent therapy, my Dr, my gender therapist, how things are going to unfold, going full time everywhere except work and going full time at work, surgeries, HRT, everything. She listened, had excellent questions and attempted to digest it all. She again said that she felt bad for me having to endure it all these years and how awful life must have been. And all she wants is from me to be happy and have a full life. She wants to spend time with Erin, go shopping for clothes, teach me about make up etc. She is a great kid!.
Side note: I can’t help notice how secretive my ex is being. She did not want to tell the kids where her apartment is in front of me. She tried to hide her hands so that I wouldn’t see she is no longer wearer her wedding band and engagement ring etc. But here I am baring my sole to all in the room. For some reason, that just rubs me the wrong way. But you know what?? Don’t care! I have my two great kids supporting me, that is all that matters. I lost my ex. So not going to cry over that milk spill any longer.
Anywho, so 2.5 hour drive home. Feeling like a huge burden has been lifted. My youngest is coming over tomorrow to borrow a car, so will see if she wants to talk some more. I will leave it up to her to decide when she is ready to talk. In the meantime…..sleep (and maybe a glass of wine… )
So, another thing on the list checked off. Moving on…..and feeling better about it.
April 24, 2015
Well…not feeling too great this morning. I think it is just one of those days when reality slaps you upside the head. Did some quick calculations in my furry little brain this morning which was probably not a good thing to do. The result of which was not being sure if I can afford to keep the house once one factors in mortgage, property taxes and utilities. So I need to do a better itemized budget this weekend.
That and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and completely abandoned right now. And I know exactly where that is coming from. My wife (or I guess more accurately at this point, ex-wife) is in Toronto for a few days with our daughters. Our oldest lives there, our youngest went with my ex on the train for a clothes shopping trip to get her ready for her job in the law firm. So my ex is speeding time one-on-one with our kids, and she now lives across the street from her parents here in town, and has a very close group of friends that she sees several times a week. I have none of that. Her parents and friends have surrounded her feeling sorry for her and saying how bad a person I am. On my side of the equation, my family is thousands of miles away and are all dealing with their own issues right now, so they don’t know yet. I have no close friends here in town, but that is mostly my fault, as I spend as much time as I could at home. Ya, ya, I see the irony! And, don’t get to spend the same time with my kids in Toronto.
And just for giggles, our dog, my lovely yellow lab who is 14 years old, is completely stressed out. I thought I was going to have to put her down. But, turns out, it is just stress from seeing a lot of furniture etc leaving the house and not sure if anyone was coming back for her. She didn’t eat for two days, which, if anyone knows a labrador retriever, is completely unheard of and cause for extreme concern. Finally, after talking to a few specialists, I was finally able to hand feed her to get her to eat. And, I am spending as much time as I can with her, either being outside with her, or have her lie at my feet rubbing her while in the house just to comfort her. She has also been on anti-anxiety meds for the past few days, and as of yesterday, she has calmed down and started to eat again. I think I might sneak a few of her anti-anxiety meds !!
To top it all off, we are planning to tell our daughters of the separation tomorrow (Saturday). So I am going to Toronto first thing in the morning to meet with them all. While we have agreed not to throw each other under the bus, I suspect that will not be the case. Given that my ex is staying with them in Toronto after the discussion, I have a feeling that I am going to be totally villianized. I have to come back to take care of the dog, so can’t stay for overnight as I have no one to look after the dog. I don’t know what is going to happen the rest of the weekend when they come back. I don’t know if our youngest daughter who is coming back on the train with my Ex is going to want to see me, or talk with me about this, or just spend time with me, or be on her own to digest this. I strongly suspect that my Ex is going to have her over to her place on Sunday. I believe her goal is to show that she is their safe haven and not want them to spend time with me. Having said that, I am going to try a preemptive strike and talk with them tomorrow in front of my Ex to let them know that I would like them to spend as much time with me as they like. Bonus is that if I can keep the house, in the long run, they will have their own rooms to stay in etc when they are in town to visit. The trick will be to do all this without putting the kids in the middle and making them feel like they are being pulled in two different directions. I am happy to take the high road and not do any of this, but I just can’t see my ex doing this. And her parents, (my daughters grand parents) are VERY involved with our kids, which is a good thing most of the time, but if they all get together, I can easily see them circling the wagons to shut me out. My mother in law is a raging feminist and plays the “women are always victims” card, and men are evil, meaning I am now evil for inflicting such pain on her daughter. So I can easily see them all conspiring to shut me out. It is a stupid, mixed up situation, and I am having a real hard time wrapping my brain around all of this.
At least I am this morning……
April 23, 2015
Been a pretty quiet day….which is more than welcomed. It has been quite a week, both physically and emotionally. I have been filling in for one of my dive team in a Scuba course this week, which means in the pool until 10:00 pm, so pretty late when I get home and after few nights in a row, it takes its toll. Teaching new divers is fun, but exhausting at the same time! And then, there is the whole emotional thing of dealing with the separation and lawyers etc. So tonight it will be dinner, a good soak and then off to bed.
The one thing that did happen is that I dropped into the wig salon at lunch time today to book another follow up appointment to get my own hair and hair piece organized. The owner was there and she is the one I am dealing with. My hair piece is in, and she is ready to go any time I am. So, I am going to wait for another month to give my own hair a chance to get longer as we are going to integrate my own hair with the piece to make it look more natural. Anyway, she was more than happy to have me come in as Erin so we can see how it will really look on me. Also, she is going to stay late after the shop has closed to accommodate my work schedule as she wants to take a good 2 hours to see how it will look and to see if she has to colour the piece to match my hair and if we want to colour my hair etc. She was adamant that it will look stunning by the time she is done ! She is almost as excited as I am for it to be done! I am looking forward to it as it will be shorter than what I have now, and will be cooler for the summer….if the warm weather ever friggin’ arrives!
So, here I sit, patiently awaiting for that date to come. In the meantime, lots of stuff to keep me occupied….But first, sleep…..
April 22, 2015
Just had my first meeting with my lawyer regarding the separation. I really like her, I think she will do a great job of representing my interests. In the spirit of full disclosure, I did come out to her that I was TG and beginning the transition process. For one thing, I did not want her to get caught flat footed should my wife decide to bring it up and have her lawyer lob that hand grenade over the wall. This way, my lawyer is ready for it. Also, it could be brought into the equation for spousal support for me, given that I would need to be off work for extended periods (relatively speaking) for recovery from surgeries and could request she provide financial support to me in that case . This should preclude my wife from opening the door on the spousal support issue as it may turn out she would have to provide support to me, so hopefully, that will just disappear. To date, she has not requested spousal support, but no telling what notions her lawyer will plant in her brain.
My lawyer was totally fine with my disclosure . She didn’t miss a beat and said she had no problems representing me. She stated she was glad that I was receiving the proper medical support and therapy along the way. Also asked if I was going to be changing my name and to let them know when that would take affect so they can update their files and use the correct pronouns etc. She finished by saying “good for you!” with a big smile on her face. So, another one in the loop.
April 21, 2015
Well, it was a very busy day yesterday. As no doubt most know, I finally got my letter for HRT from my gender therapist. So, yahoo for me!! So working on the logistics of that right now, making appointment to see my Dr to start blood work, etc…
Also saw my regular therapist in the afternoon. Filed her in on all that has been happening since I saw her last month. Wife moving out (which she knew was going to happen but not this quickly), mom passing and getting my HRT letter. While she was concerned about the first two, we talked it out, and by the end she was thrilled that I am now able to move forward, unencumbered, and with greater clarity than I have had in years, if not decades. She is super supportive and thinks that I am ready mentally and physically. She is pleased that I am processing feelings and not suppressing them, i.e. sad my wife has abandoned me, but that I am working through it.
One odd thing that I have noticed is something to do with our house. I have the choice of keeping it (buy my wife out) or sell it (split the equity). I was initially going to sell as I did not like the house anymore and haven’t for years. However, once my wife moved out, and took all the STUFF and some furniture, I saw once again what was under it all and why I liked the house in the first place. What I recognized yesterday, is that it is not that I didn’t like the house, I didn’t like what had happened to the house….all the clutter of my wife’s stuff. Now, don’t get me wrong, she is not a hoarder or pack rat, but just a bit sloppy. Every horizontal surface in the house had stuff on it. So it felt very cluttered and jammed up, and I had no space of my own. Now that it is all gone, WOW, what a difference. So I spent some time rearranging furniture to my liking, and bought a few pieces to replace some things and have a list of other stuff I would like to get over the next few months. So, I am thinking now of keeping the house if I can afford the mortgage on one salary. I replaced all the bed linens with some really pretty stuff and made the bedroom into my space. All my clothes are now in one closet and shoes are all out, but more shoes than space….what’s a girl to do ??!! . Fresh flowers everywhere, etc. Now, I love to just sit in the “new” living room to read, listen to music, etc and love it. So, that is all going much better than I could have hoped for.
The other thing is that I am not sure what I want to move into if I sell. An apartment ? No equity there. A condo? maybe, but condo fees around here are just plain stupid. A house ? maybe, but where and how old? etc.
At least with this house, I know the history and what has been done and what needs to be done in the next few years (one last window to replace, fresh paint in a few rooms, little things like that). Plus, I have the kitchen I always wanted ’cause I designed it myself and it is relatively new. You know, things like that. Plus, the hassle of packing and moving, closing costs, lawyer fees, etc. Not sure I want to get into all that. Plus, I have enough on my plate right now, starting HRT and figuring out timelines on coming out at work, surgeries, etc. It might be nice to have some consistency in my life provided I set the house up they way I would like and not have any haunting memories. I don’t think that will be an issue. I am sleeping just fine and eating well and generally feel pretty good, so I don’t think that is an issue, at least not right now. Who knows what may develop as a delayed response, but I think I can deal with it.
I know it would be great to have a “fresh start”, but I think I will wait for a year or so to figure out what I really want for a home and then be able to make a better decision without feeling pressured to sell or my back to the wall. Right or wrong?? Don’t know, but I think this is the best I can do for now.
April 19, 2015
So, wonders never cease….Today was actually a good day. Actually a great day, all things considered. My dog got me up early so I thought I may as well stay up and get some stuff done around the house. So, finished steam cleaning the living room and rearranged what furniture is left to something that doesn’t look ravaged. I am actually pleased the way things look now. Never really did like the old layout, so this suits me just fine! Will have to pick up a few minor pieces to round it out, but no biggy! I am actually sitting in my living room now and enjoying it. I never used to sit in here before. Never liked the way it felt. So +1 for me!
Met up with my dive team and we went out for a dive late in the morning. Purely for fun, no drills….well actually, that is a lie. One guy was getting a little cold swimming around the wreck, so decide on his own to do some valve drills just to work up a bit of sweat. Don’t blame him actually. The water was 37F, and we were down for 45 minutes, so it can get chilly ! The only down side is that none of them know about me yet, so was in male mode. That and the fact that all my suits are custom cut for the male me, so will take a bit to migrate over anyway. On a funny note, one the guys kept telling that I looked great, lost some wait, just looked overall younger. Maybe it is the shaped brows and/or lack of facial hair from laser treatment I thought to myself. But still nice to see that things are moving in the right direction.
After we were done, it was time for some retail therapy. Changed back to the real me and out the door I went. Got some T-shirts on sale at old Navy, which then necessitated t-shirt bras so off to the mall I went. They also had lovely 3/4 trench coats on sale and gorgeous purse and handbag set, all 40% off, so yippee for me!
Then 2 paris of heels and a pair of really fun sandals flew off the shelf at me, so, you know me, sucker for taking strays home with me, so they are in my closet now!! All the sales clerks were great, no one gave me a second notice, including the two young women buying shoes at the same time. I guess I am getting better at this!!??
Then back home it was. Made potato leek soup (found one lonely leek in the fridge, so figured what the heck, and baked some bread. Off now to soak in the tub and do my nails before bed.
I know, this is a long post with probably way too much detail. But the point for me is that given the day, I have something positive to write about and I actually feel pretty good. I am getting comfortable with the idea of going full time outside of work and I am actually doing okay. At least right now. And ya know what? I will happily settle for that right now. As one wise woman once told me….baby steps….
April 18, 2015
wife moving out today, as we “speak”. Not much to say…..just watching the past 30 years of my love dissolve away.
April 17, 2015
Given what is going on in my life, I figure it is time for a good news item and write about something positive.
I was at my aesthetician earlier in the week for a waxing (my back – ugh, don’t get me started !! ). Anywho, asked her if she had an appointment after me to spend a bit more time on me. She was fine to go over time a bit. I said I would like her to shape my eyebrows. She immediately said, yup, no problemo. So I decided it was time to come out to her as she does really great work and I would like to use more of her services. So I did. She was so happy for me! Said she would be happy to work with me and has other trans clients. Who knew?!? She did a great job on my eyebrows. She offered to show me how to accentuate them with make up etc next time. She is so cool!! It was great to get a positive response and just be treated as a valued customer and just another woman (well, soon anyway when I go full time!! )
Was a smile that I really needed.
April 15, 2015
The sunny side of the street….
Funny how life goes. it seems to know when you need a bit of a lift. And that is what happened last night. I met with a member of the local TG support group, just to get a sense of who they are and what they do. The person that they “paired” me up with for this initial chat couldn’t have been a better fit. She transitioned full time when she was 55. She is now 60 and semi retired. So in my age bracket, so that was great….she was easily able to relate to my “age and stage” as I call it. She listened attentively to my story, asking questions along the way and was able to provide insight from her experience and some recommendations as to where to get services. For example, she highly recommended the Electrolysis service she used here in town, so that was helpful as they are TG friendly for sure. And she looked great!
She then shared a bit of her story and how she is doing. She is still married to her partner of many years and happily living life. She was a church minister when she transitioned and remained with the same Parish afterward until she retired, just recently. Better yet, she has just been hired part time with my organization to provide counselling and recommendations for all things Trans. So it will be nice to see a friendly face around, particularly when I go full time at work. !!
She talked about her surgeries and how she came to her decisions on why she did what she did, etc and her experience on HRT. Though YMMV prevails, it is always helpful to get another woman’s perspective on it. And she said something that really made my day for sure! We met at a Starbuck’s, thinking we would sit there and chat. But it was packed!! Who knew – on a Tuesday evening !! Man, I am in the wrong business….should’ve opened a Starbucks ! . Anywho….she was there ahead of me and already had her coffee, so It got into line to get mine. We then decided to drive to a nearby mall and sit in their food court to chat. Got a seat there, no problemo. Just near the end of our chat when I said that my gender therapist would be fine with me going full time everywhere except for work once my wife moves out – she commented that I could easily go full time right now! She was watching me at Starbucks and keeping an eye on others both in Starbucks and in the food court while we were chatting, which included the dreaded packs of teenage girls. She said, “no one took any notice. No stares, no pointing, no sly grins. Notta. You are good to go. You look great and easily pass as it is.”
Needless to say, that was the best thing I have heard in a long time. I have received stunning support from so many here and I am sooo thankful for that. And I go out and about in my community all the time, but always by myself. To receive that type of affirmation from another person – in person – that knew what to look for, was for me, such a wonderful endorsement ! I hope what changes I experience on HRT will help to solidify my female psyche and increase my self esteem and confidence, which certainly could use a boost. So I will take the compliment and run with it !!
So, today, for the first time in a bit, I get to walk on the sunny side of the street. I know that I am going to have to cross to the other side to deal with things, but for now, I am enjoying the warmth and the light.
April 14, 2015
Had “the talk” with my wife last night. We discussed how the separation would unfold and finances. Essentially, she told me she is moving out this weekend – two weeks earlier than I had expected. Not really a big deal I guess. Why delay the inevitable? She also told me she does not want my help and does not want me around. I guess I am okay with that, but just goes to show to me that she has really cut the cord, so to speak. She is still deciding what to take with her, so that will be interesting. Personally, I don’t care what she takes as I am not attached to anything in the house and there is not much of value except for the art collection and she said she didn’t want any of it. Which in itself is interesting, ’cause she is the one that bought it all!! Oh well. I have given up looking for logic in any of this.
We chatted about finances and she wrote up what she wants. Basically, she keeps everything that is hers (pay, pension, RRSP, etc) and I do the same. We split the debt and the value of the house. So I have to decide if I want to keep the house and buy out her half of the equity, or we sell it now, and split the equity. I really don’t want the house, too big for just me and too much work. But I don’t see how I can have it ready for sale this summer. There is some work to be done and there is so much crap to get rid off, which I have a funny feeling that she is going to leave me to deal with. Though she did say she would help me get it ready to sell if that is what I decide to do.
We are going to Toronto the weekend of the 25th to tell our daughters what is going on. By that time our youngest will be finished her exams and be in a better position to deal with it and not impact her studies.
We both came to the conclusion that we just want what is fair for each other and got screw the other over in the settlement. So will wait to see how that is going to work out. I am taking this all to my lawyer next week to have an agreement written up, so we will see what happens on her end with her lawyer.
So, a long evening, exhausting, but at least we know where we stand and have a plan to move forward.
And so my new life begins….
April 13, 2015
Got back late last night. Pretty wiped out, so just went to bed. Now, back to the grind of life. It will be good to have routine back in my life, such as it is. Probably chat with my wife tonight about finances for the separation and check with how much she wants to know about my treatments and therapy visits etc. I don’t know if she wants to know any of it. I need to know what her parameters are for this “friendship” she is wanting.
Not too much going on this week, a few appointments, Laser, etc. I am supposed to meet with one of the coordinators of the TG support tomorrow evening. Curious to see how that will go.
So hoping to settle quickly back into my routine, especially diet and exercise wise. UGH. Did not eat very well the past 5 days and zero exercise, so need to get back at it. Feel a bit “sloth like”.
Onward and upward, as they say….
April 12, 2015
So, things are winding down. Everyone has gotten out of Dodge, so to speak. I am the last of the family still here and my flight is later this afternoon. So spending time with my dad for the rest of the day until my flight. Yesterday wasn’t too bad. We were able to tidy up the last of the “to do” things such as clean out my mother’s room at the nursing home etc. we were all pretty tired by the end of the day that by 8:00 we were all falling asleep, so we called it a night and tried to catch up on some much needed sleep. Feel pretty good today. My routine is way out of wack. Exercise routine, diet etc all went to hell in a hand basket, but that is all part of it. Will get back to it starting tomorrow. Hoping the warmer, sunny weather (when ever it frigging decides to show up!) will also help us all recuperate a bit faster. But as with many things in our journey, this is one more thing that has its own schedule, so will try to go with the flow as much as I can with this.
April 11, 2015
Made it through the funeral yesterday. Did find a few minutes of quiet time to say goodbye to my mom, and tell her I was her other daughter. That felt good for me and gave me some peace. At many times through the day I didn’t feel good. I have never felt so alone. Everyone had spouses to lean on. I did not. Sure, I had my brother and sister, but I was too busy being strong for them and for my father, attending to details, helping with arrangements and makng sure things got done.
But once it was all over and I was alone in my bedroom, I had a total melt down. I lost it. Major cry. I felt like I was grieving the loss of so many things all at once. My Mom, my marriage, my wife, my male me. It was just all too much, so I lost it. But finally managed to fall asleep. Today is better. I am sure this is not done yet, but hopefully will get easier???
April 8, 2015
Well, bit of a left turn yesterday. My mom passed away. Not really a surprise as she was 92 and in hospital, but we figured she was going to be released soon. But, that was not to be. So, starting my trek “home” this afternoon, train and flight, 9 hours total to get there. No one knows about Erin at home, so will be going as my male self. I will see how I do. Because in this stressful time, I could sure use the peace that Erin brings to me. Will certainly try to be Erin mentally as much as I can, but as we all know, one does get a boost from the physical matching the mental, but that won’t happen for the next 4-5 days, so will just have to go with the flow.
April 7, 2015
Psyching my self up for a talk with my wife on Wednesday evening. It is time to talk about finances and resources etc for the separation. She has found a place to live, and we need to talk about expenses for her, the cost of keeping up the house for me, which I will be living in (she is moving out, her decision) etc etc. So, who is expected to pay how much for what etc. I have already made some changes so that my pay gets deposited into my account now, not the joint account etc. I have no idea what she is going to be paying for rent and how much she will be able to continue to support the house, as I can’t do it on my own. We also need to talk about what things she wants to take with her. I was told to take pictures of every room in the house now to log the contents and keep a record of what she takes. Part of me doesn’t really care what she takes, I want her to be comfortable, bed, couches, tables, TVs etc. She can take what she wants. I will be by myself and won’t really need much. And the are many pieces of art in our collection that she really likes, that I won’t miss, so she can take them. I will just write it all down.
The other side of me just wants to make sure I don’t get screwed and that she doesn’t takes advantage of me. She keeps saying she wants this to be amicable. So do I, and I just want it to be fair. I don’t want to screw her over either. But we both want to keep this out of court, come up with a separation agreement that we can both live with and go from there.
Honestly though??? I don’t know what her plans are for the house. I will be living in it. But with it just being me in a four bedroom home, what is the point? I know that she can’t keep it up on her own, e.g. maintenance etc, so expects me to??? Not sure if I am up for that, certainly not in the long run. I suspect that this will be temporary, for one year, until the divorce is finalized at which point assets will be divided up.
But I need to have this talk. I don’t like working in the dark and on assumption. So, this will be an interesting conversation….and a little bit stressful, to say the least!
April 6, 2015
Well, it was a relatively quiet long Easter Weekend. Really didn’t do much. Kids were home. They don’t know anything as of yet, about the our split up or me being TG. That is to come the end of the month when they are less stressed out in their lives. So it was an interesting little dance we did around that. Wife was supper congenial with me. Was nice, but kinda weird actually, knowing it was just an act.
Anywho, The weekend went by with no incidence. Just hung out and watched movies, chatted etc. Was good to laugh again. Our kids are so much fun to be around.
Also received a note from the TG support group here in town. They have arranged for me to meet with a member next week. She is full time MTF. Started transitioning when she was 54, went full time last year when she was 56. Still lives with her wife. So it sounds like a pretty good match up with respect to life experience. So really looking forward to meeting her. We are going for coffee one evening next week. I will be going as Erin. The really odd thing is that her name is the same as my wife’s so that is going to be a bit weird, but oh well.
Nothing much else on the boards of interest. A short week, so that means 5 days of work in 4, and have to work tomorrow night for a client, so it will be a bit busy. I have a session with my aesthetician tomorrow at noon. Always good to see her, she is so nice.
Thinking a lot about Angela today, who, as I type, is in surgery. I hope is all goes well.
April 2, 2015
Well, this is a nice reversal….been used to “hair today, gone tomorrow”, when the reverse is now true…”Gone today, Hair tomorrow”…
Maybe some context would be helpful???
Yesterday afternoon, I had an appointment with a local wig salon to discuss options regarding my Male Pattern Baldness (MPB)….Thank you Mr. Testosterone….NOT.
Anywho, I fully intended to disclose to the hair consultant, that I was Trans and wanted to make sure they were comfortable with that. So, the person I was assigned to was actually the owner. And, I did just that, disclose. Her response was awesome. “No problem, of course I am comfortable with that…it is who you are, and we are here to help. We have experience with other TG clients so don’t worry anymore about that”. So, away we went.
Chatted for about an hour about the various options, and tried a few things on. Turns out I have an oval face shape which essentially has almost unlimited style possibilities. Who knew?? So, long story short, the are going to create a piece that is a “topper”, to cover the MPB, in my natural hair colour (brunette), but it will also have some longer hair on the sides and back just down to my jaw line. This will allow it to be blended with my own hair on a the sides and back to give an integrated, seamless look. It will be adhered with tape and clips on the top. By using different strength of tape, I will be able to secure for varying lengths of time, depending on where I am and what I am doing. So I am going to continue to let my hair grow.
So we will see what that will look like. It will be made with human hair and matched to my colour. She said it will only take about a week to make. So will order it end of this month so that I will have it as my hair grows out. All in all, she was great. She gave me a wig for free to “play with” to see what a different style will look like if I what to get some pieces that are different. I think I would rather have a consistent look and not be changing my hair all the time…that to me doesn’t blend well with the population. But that is just me.
They also cut and style hair in the salon, so I can get everything done at one spot, and it is local, no having to drive 2 or 3 hours to a shop, or order of the internet (though that may be an option, once I get comfortable with what looks good etc) So, another issue under control. Not sure it is “solved” yet, I will have to wait and see, but certainly a step in the right direction.
April 1, 2015
Oh Happy Day !! Just came back from an appointment with my Family Dr. He has changed his mind, he is not going to retire early (he is my age). As a result, he enthusiastically agreed to do all my monitoring and follow up for HRT !! So the search is over! And, he has brought on a new younger partner who will take over his practice when he does retire and he is going to include him in my consults to get him up to speed to take over when he does retire. So, I am set. I will see the endo in Ottawa in May to get baseline and dosages worked out, then my Dr will take over.
This is really the best case scenario for me as I have known him for 30 years and we get along great and I trust him implicitly to take care of me and have my best interests in hand. So, doing my happy dance right now!! I am going to celebrate every small victory there is, ’cause there will be times when a victory will see a long way off, so taking full advantage of this one.
This was really needed as last night was not a very good night for me. The confirmation of change of address for my wife came in the mail yesterday. I know this is happening, but this was right in my face. Reality can be a real b*tch some times, ya know.
But today, right now, things look much brighter!!