Early in the week I had one of my somewhat regularly scheduled appointments with my main therapist. As always, it turned out to be a good thing. I had been struggling with a few things going on in the past little while and really needed to talk them out with 1)someone who knows me and how I think, such as it is, and 2) more objective than I can be. We had a great discussion, in fact went over by 30 minutes! But she always puts me at the end of her day so she can end her day on a high note…I guess I am the least screwed up of her patients, which really doesn’t say much about the others?!?!?. Anywho, it was her decision, so she didn’t charge me extra. Which is fair, since I have pretty much financed her new condo for her anyway!! Ha ha.

In relating my situation, interactions and concerns, it turns out that I was somewhat on the right track in some things, and benefited greatly from thinking about certain things in a different way. Or at least, considering a different perspective. Long story short, time to cut loose a lot of negative energy in my life right now. I’m not as strong as I thought, and trying to deal with it in my current state is not good. I have a tendency to go down a rabbit hole and beat myself up about things, thereby going deeper down the hole to a very dark place. Not any more.

The outcome?? Letting people go in my life and not worrying about it. Put the ball in their court. Wait for them. If they engage, I’ll be receptive, but stop trying to please everyone and “leading with my chin”. Cuz that is only going to result in me getting beat up emotionally….again. Sigh.

So that is what I have done. I’m going silent with those people. Staying out of their way. If they don’t want to engage, so be it. Let it go. There is only so much I can control. I can control how I feel and how I react. I can’t control how they feel or react. So why bang my head against the wall? Why give them control over me by letting them push my buttons? This is really tough journey. Why make it more difficult? So, I’m taking my power back. If they want to be obstinate and stew, let ’em. But not in my corner of the world.

It goes against a lot of what makes me, me. I like to think I am receptive and want everyone to get along. But at some point you have to realize that this is not working. Time to cut bait. So I have. Fortunately, as I have said before, 95% of my life is amazing with so many wonderful people in my life. I just have to deal with this 5%. And this is what I’m going to do. Right or wrong, I don’t know. I just know what I need to do for me right now.

Maybe they just need the time to figure out what they really what, how they really want to engage me (if at all) in a way that is appropriate and acceptable to everyone. Maybe they need to figure that out without me poking at them. So guess what. They have all the time in the world they want. I am getting on with my life, building my family unit of me and my two girls. If any else wants to come along for the ride, fine, but I’m not going to put anymore thought or energy into it until they show me they are ready to engage.

Enough. Time for me to let some wounds heal.

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2 thoughts on “Letting a little more light in…

  1. Hi Erin,

    I have been lurking for a while and I truly enjoy reading about your journey as I am on the same path, albeit a little further behind. I am a 54 year old trans-female who is almost at the point of sending the letters announcing my significant life -change.

    I found your words in this post to be so helpful. I tend to be the same way and, without boring you with the details, I have a few people that meet my newly created “cut ’em loose” category. I refuse to spend any more emotional energy on people that, frankly, don’t care enough to even say Hello in the morning.

    Thanks,

    Kathi

    Like

    1. Hi Kathi! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. I always enjoy reading and responding to them. Yes, there comes a time when we have to pick our battles and protect ourselves as best as we can while at the same time, putting energy into relationship that we value and people we love. It is a tricky balance. None of this stuff is easy. Hang in. Sounds like you are well on your way! Thanks for reading!

      Be well,

      Erin

      Like

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