There are times when I just wanna to slap my head over what someone else has done. There are times when I feel like I am hitting my head against a wall over what someone else doing. And then there are times when I hit myself over the head over something I have done. This is one of those times.
Context. I had a wonderful chat today with someone who I admire, who is smart and thoughtful and has dealt with a ton of challenges in her life to get to be where she is today. I wanted to pick her brain regarding some issues/challenges/question I had regarding Pride organizations. She is the Executive Director of a large Pride Organization with a ton of experience. I, on the other hand, am simply a member of the board of a very small (relatively speaking) Pride organization. So her input was invaluable to me at this stage of the game.
Anyway, as the conversation unfolded, I found myself wondering that the hell I am doing. I need to be slowing down a bit, but alas, I find I am doing the opposite. And it’s no ones fault but mine. No one else is to blame for this one. It’s me. All me. I am the adult in charge of my life and it appears I am not up to the job!?!?! I’m kidding, but only sort of.
This week is pretty much a typical week for me right now. I am out at meetings or events of some sort or other almost every night. Last night, I went out to dinner with friends, which was awesome. Tonight, I have a guest spot on talk radio regarding gender topics. Tomorrow night, I have been invited to attend an event for City dignitaries aboard one of our Navy cruisers as part of Canada’s 150 years celebration, representing our Pride organization. Thursday night, I have a Pride Board meeting. Friday afternoon/evening I am at a charity golf tournament. Saturday, another Board meeting, my final one as I prepare to step down from that Board after eight years of service.
I don’t know what it is. I can’t seem to help myself. No one is holding a gun to my head. But I still feel that I should be helping. There are so many that paved the way for me and worked so hard to make my transition easier than theirs. I guess maybe I feel the need to do the same for those behind me? I mean I can manage it, I think, but more and more I have to take the time to take care of myself. And that means a few changes.
Some things have changed already, for better or worse, it is what it is. I am trying to block off weekends as best I can from any events. That is strong “me” time. During the week, I am constantly surrounded by literally hundreds of people. Don’t get me wrong, they are awesome and I love it. I thoroughly enjoy going to work etc. But at the end of the day, and especially on weekends, the last thing I need to do is have more people in my face. I need quiet time, alone, to myself. Hence heading of to the marina on weekends. While there are people around, and they are great people, if I want to be alone, sit and read, listen to music, curl up and watch a movie, or even, heaven forbid, have a nap, I can. No one will bother me. It’s heaven. And that’s what I know I need to do to re-energize. At least right now. And if it gets to “busy” I can always head out, and anchor of an island for the night with no one around.
By the end of the day, and certainly by the end of the week, I’m all talked out. Now for those of you that know me, that is probably hard to believe!! ha ha. But the last thing I need is someone in my face. You can call me selfish, self centered, a diva, a princess (okay, that one I don’t mind!! 😉 ) but that is what it has come down to.
I am hoping things settle down by mid summer. And I am consciously going to try to take on less volunteer activities to spend more time recharging etc. I need to get some time with my sister. I would like to have more time with my daughters, but to be honest, it is their hectic schedule that is more the issue than mine! Hmmmm, I wonder where they get that from!?!? But I’m okay with that. They have their lives, I get it. We all want to raise our children to be strong and independent. Well, be careful what you ask for! Mission accomplished. And in the grand scheme of things, they are standing tall on their own two feet, and that is awesome. And I am certainly not one of those people who need to be needed. I’m good. My life is full. I love my life.
Don’t get me wrong, this is not a doom and gloom scenario. I love the work I do, both paid and volunteer. I get to be with amazing people for the waking hours of my day. It is nothing short of spectacular. But I head to bed early each night, to make sure I get plenty of rest. So I am managing. But I am mindful I have to tone it down at some point. And I have started doing that a little bit. We’ll see if more is needed. And spending time lounging with one of my girl friends is awesome. I am so thankful I have “my posse” !! (you know who you are, Lori!!!). I just don’t know how else to manage right now. So this is going to have to be good enough. For now. Sorry.
In the meantime, pass me the Advil to see if I can get ride of this pain in my forehead???