Here I sit, late in the evening, starring once again at the screen as the cursor flashes at me expectantly, like a dog wanting me to throw the ball…again!
I had my “regular” appointment with my main therapist earlier today. I say regular in that we are now down to every three months. But a lot of “stuff” came up that I have not been dealing with and I really need to. While I’m in a relatively good position of strength in some aspects, others, not so much. And those are the issues. Fortunately for me, she knows me so well that that she can spot BS in a heart beat and calls me on. And that was our conversation today.
Lots of things churning in my head. And trust me, that is usually not a good thing. As for me, on a personal, individual level, she has never seen me stronger. We talked a lot about me support systems (family and friends), how I am so comfortable in my own skin, in my own life. And this, I feel, is accurate. I have never felt more at peace or stronger in my conviction as to who I am. People are either on board with who I am, as a person, or they need to get out of my way. Fortunately, the result of this is that I have more friends than ever. So, lucky me! I am always meeting up with people to chat, have dinner, drinks, movies, walks etc. It is rare I am home in the evenings. So that is good. I am also being asked to do more speaking engagements, etc, which I haven’t done anything to solicit in any real way, but they are just coming in. I’m happy to help. But, and this came out of my session today, I need to be careful and not over commit. So I have to work on that!!
I still have other things to work on. I still really need to work on me. To truly understand what I want and need. To have an accurate picture of what I have to offer, what is a support, and what is a drain on my energy and psyche. That is going to take some time. And that is what we spent the majority of the time talking about. I am no where near having that figured out, as it turns out. Who knew?!?! Obvoiously, I didn’t. But when I listened to what I was saying, really listened and forced to really get to the centre of it all, that is not an area of strength for me, at least not right now. But I will get there.
As a result, I need to take some time and step back a bit to really understand “me”. While I know “who I am”, I don’t feel very confident in other areas, particularly with relationships. It is clear to me that I still have a lot of issues to work out from my past relationship of 32 years. I thought I was done, and “good with it”. But I am not. And I guess I really knew that, but was in denial and/or trying to just push it out of the way. Well, over the past month or so, it has pushed its way back and came up right in my grill, so to speak. And that’s okay. Cuz now I can start to work on it. I can come at it from a position of strength. I am happy as me, now I have to become happy and content as “just me”. Without the complexity of anyone else. Only then will I be able to enter into a healthy relationship, able to give and take support and love. Yet another twist (with a few turns) in my journey to be the best me I can be. We all need to get there.
And that’s why I value my support team so much. They push me to places I try to avoid, to my own detriment. So it’s time to put my big girl pants on and face it. So I shall. I will wrestle this to the ground with her help. That’s why we all need someone to talk to, a professional, that can hold our feet to the fire, call BS when they see it and really help us to see what we don’t or can’t. Invest in yourself. We are all worth it. I will get this done.
Time. It’s just a matter of time.