Anyone who has made the journey, or is in the process, knows only too well that this is a really hard and challenging undertaking. That is probably not only stating the obvious, but also a huge understatement. As a result, sometimes it is hard to stay positive and be optimistic about the whole thing. Like most things in life, there are ups and downs and we have our good days and bad days. They challenge for us, okay, well maybe just me, is to stay positive when you have a number of icky days in a row. It seems that this is where I am at right now.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a great life. Super job, amazing family, and great friends around me. Okay, so I live alone. But right now, as it turns out, I am discovering that I am okay with that. I didn’t think I would be, but I am. Some of that may have to do with the fact that I am not over my 32 year relationship with my ex. I thought I was, but I guess not. Don’t get me wrong, I am better than I was, for sure, and I don’t carry any delusions that we are going to get back together. I am not that desperate or obtuse.
Maybe it’s the weather….so many cold and rainy days in a row. Don’t think so, but who knows. I love the rain, provided it is warm. This cold weather is driving me insane right now, so that is probably more the case?? The water in the basement issue doesn’t help, that’s for sure! So that is a thing as well. Got my health back on track, so that is good, but I am sure that was part of it as well.
So what’s the issue? I know one thing that is dragging me down, are people bitching at me. Well, maybe not bitching at me, but more about what I am doing. For some reason, people, mostly those in the trans community, seem to be resentful of what I do. Things like speaking to groups, items in the press, or online etc etc etc. It’s getting to be really tiring. It can’t be about the money, that’s for sure, as I don’t receive any remuneration for any speaking events, or sessions I do regarding LGBT. Is it the notoriety? Hardly. No one knows who I am for the most part. It’s not like hoards for people follow or endorse anything I write or say to the general public.
It just seems like every time I mention something about a group I spoke to, or when someone contacts me to be involved with something, people around me are….I don’t know….upset or not happy about it? I don’t say it to impress anyone. It’s just a fact and the comment I make is usually a about what I learned from the experience. Maybe it comes across as bragging? Why do people have to get into a pissing contest with me and try to belittle my activity and “one up” me. I mention something, and they somehow fell the need to mention something more significant that they are doing. Every time. And not in a way that demonstrates they understand or get the point I make. More like they are doing bigger and better things. Good for them. But seriously?!?!?!?
So, I have disengaged for a while to try to just calm myself down and not make any rash decisions. I don’t want to stop what I am doing, because quite selfishly, I learn so much, about others and about myself. I don’t know if I do any good. But if this type of crap continues, I am going to have to do something to protect myself. Because right now, treating myself well is a priority. Like it or lump it, it is.
So, trying to stay positive can be hard. As is the case with a lot of things in life. But I do try to stay positive. And the majority of the time I am. Especially since my transition. I feel like I have given myself such a gift, and now life is good, if not great, the vast majority of the time. Sometimes, I just have to take a bit of time to focus on me, and find that silver lining, and refocus my perspective on the positive.
As I tell my students, “any day you are around to bitch about it, it’s a good day”.
Enter the silver lining. I just need a few good days to get back on course.