I’ve been thinking a bit more about “regrets” after my blog a few days ago regarding that question. And while I may not have any regrets regarding when I transitioned, I sure do have regrets around other aspects. Actually, there is really only one big one. Others are minor in comparison, so I’m going to push those aside, at least for know.
The biggest regret I have? Well, It is around people. Very important people in my life. I know that all through out my life I had a number of times when I was very much impacted by both my gender dysphoria and depression, which quite often would hit me at the same time. As a result, I know I wasn’t the most wonderful person to live with or be around. Later in life, when it really hit hard, driving me to transition, I know it must have been awful for those around me. Particularly my wonderful now ex-wife.
For the few years leading up to my decision to transition and subsequent separation, it was extremely hard, for everyone. I could tell my wife was very frustrated with me. Hell, I was very frustrated with me. So it wasn’t pleasant. So that’s my regret. That I was so miserable to people. Unintentionally. Maybe it wasn’t as much about being miserable to people, but being miserable around people. All they saw was the grumpy, tired, and frustrating person who was slowly shutting down. I’m sure it was hard for them to watch. And what do you do about that? I was in no condition to help myself, let alone be there to help others around me. Let’s face it, I was a mess.
Fortunately, all that has changed. Well maybe not for others. Maybe they are still scratching their heads about the whole thing. Maybe they don’t have closure yet. Maybe, they just need to yell at me for about 15 minutes and get it out of their system. I don’t know. I can’t guess. I wish they would tell me. But alas, I fear that is not going to happen. So that is another regret. That conversation about all of this are not happening, nor are they likely to. So I have to learn to let it go I guess.
Finally, the big thing about this particular regret for me is that my ex wife never got a chance to experience the authentic me. The happy, content, confident, caring me. And that makes me very sad. For the first time in my life I honestly feel like I have something to offer, and she will never see it. And maybe, for her, right now? that is a good thing. Because maybe she is just not ready to deal with it. I don’t know. But it is sad. I think I could actually make her smile, maybe even laugh and feel good about herself and about me. I don’t think I will ever know that feeling. And neither will she. Her thoughts (if any) and memories, will be of this grumpy miserable person who couldn’t make her happy. That is super frustrating. Because that is not who I really was. Not who I am now at all. And I wish she could see that.
However, that is part of my journey, and I have to learn to let it go. That, I can tell ya, ain’t easy. Maybe someday, not right now. But I, at least, am happy just to be here and be me. And ya know…I take it.