Okay, so that does sound a little clandestine and spy craft 101 kinda stuff, but bare with me.

Before I continue, just want to say sorry that I haven’t posted for a few days. I’ve been down with a nasty cold. Me and my bed sort of have this thing going on for the past two or three days. Hoping that it is on it’s way out. Living on cold meds the past few days. Ugh. So attractive! ūüėČ

Now, back to our story…

In my Nyquil induced hazed, I had a lapse in judgement and watched a bit of daytime TV whilst waiting for the miracles of modern medicine to kick in and knock me out for 8 hours. So for that brief time I subjected myself to mental mush. Interestingly enough, a phrase did¬†catch my attention. “Trust no one”. And for whatever reason it got me thinking about when that was unfortunately a part of my life. Just before I transitioned.

I knew that I had to transition to survive. At least I was pretty sure at the time that I had made the decision. But I remember thinking that I can’t tell anyone. I have no idea how they were¬†going to react. I had this secret that I didn’t want to be a secret anymore. I had no idea if people were going to disown me, or desert me. Okay, well, that’s not entirely true. I knew for a fact my marriage would end right there on the spot, so that was one variable that was accounted for. The rest? Not a clue. Not exactly a strong foundation to start with?

I remember how terrifying that was. Not knowing what was going to happen. Knowing that I would survive, but to what end? No family, no friends, maybe no job? It all sounds so irrational now, but at the time? Holy. You have no idea. It’s scary sh!t to think about. But you do. At least I did. And you know why? Cuz IT HAPPENS!!

I’ve seen it happen to friends and acquaintances in my community. It’s sad, infuriating, disgusting…I could go on and on. And to what end? All we desire is to end the mental anguish and live our lives in peace, and be at peace, for the first time since we¬†were¬†born. Okay, so the vast majority of the population doesn’t get it. I understand that. It’s not exactly a part of our daily lexicon. And I understand why it isn’t. I don’t like it, but I understand it.

When you see it happening all around you, it’s easy to envision the same for yourself. So you start to think “I’m I really going to be better of?” But for me it got to a point where I had to make that leap of faith and just do it. And I was scared to death. But I tried to be smart about it and educate those around me as I went. Slowly, a few people at a time. Starting with who I thought I was mostly likely to have as supporters and build from there.

Now, that worked for me. But doesn’t work for all. Where as my family stood beside me the entire time, (for which I am eternally grateful!!) I’ve seen families disown others. So ya, it does happen. A lot! I just kept going and going, determined to get to where I needed to be. And slowly, with each person, my support base grew and along with it, so did my strength and resolve. You have no idea how much of a difference that support can make!!

I also realize that I am the “thin edge of the wedge” as we say. My experience is not the norm and that I am truly blessed and so fortunate to have the support I have. Sad to say that is atypical though. I think that maybe starting to change, but that doesn’t help those that have already suffered.

The old adage “what people don’t understand frightens them” is so pervasive. But does it have to be? That’s an easy one. Of course not. But I guess that’s just human nature. Here’s what I don’t get. If you don’t understand something, don’t be afraid of it, educate yourself! Ask questions. Get answers from reliable sources. Oh, and FYI, just cuz it’s on the ‘net doesn’t make it reliable. (So stop cruising those Drag Queen sites thinking that’s what transgender is.) Don’t know where to get reliable sources? Talk with the person that is experiencing it! They’ll know. Speak with your doctor. Search out local support services. And don’t worry. It’s not contagious. You won’t “catch it” by talking to us.

More information out there is better. People telling their stories and getting the word out there about their experiences is a good thing. And that’s why I do it. People ask me if I am concerned about “over share” or “TMI”. About what? About who I am? Hell no!! I am very proud of who I am, of the woman I have become. We can’t change anything by remaining silent. So, I live my life out loud. It’s who I am.¬†I lived the vast majority of my life living scared. Having a great secret and¬†thinking “trust no one”. No more.

It’s just another piece to this puzzle of being transgendered.


2 thoughts on “Trust no one….

  1. As usual…Erin brings up some very astute points. Thank you as always!
    I have been blessed to have the same experience as Erin. Though I won’t state this as an unequivocal fact, I sort of wonder sometimes about those that are ostracized from Family and Friends. Are these people truly unfortunates that when the bones were rolled were left in the cold to fend for themselves? Or is there a possibility that these people were the ones that spent a lifetime belittling and deriding those from the LGBT Community. Where did your children learn the values that allowed them to cast you to the wind? Or the friend that stated they simply couldn’t abide with your decision? How did you come to be friends with ones so narrow minded? Now work?, that’s often a different set of circumstances…but then again, you’ve made your place there as well. So call me dubious when I see someone cast aside by all or most of whom they’ve known. One constant that has always played out in my life is the “instant karma” syndrome. Or for those aligned with Christian Dogma, the phrase that comes to mind is ” For whatever a man might sow, that also he will reap”, from Galatians.
    It seems nothing happens in a vacuum, from love to hate to acceptance and fear. Stereotypical behavior is called that for a reason. Someone told me once that “if you met a jerk today…..well, you met a jerk. If everyone you met today was a jerk?….then you’re the jerk. Pretty pointed. You’d need to pretty obtuse not to get it.
    Unfortunately, our being trans is hard…very hard. But it doesn’t excuse us from a lifetime of treating others poorly. If you have, you may find your chickens coming home to roost when the shoe drops. I ask myself if many that have had all or most people they know cast them aside, didn’t in some way have that visit them by some mechanism they set in motion long ago.
    I’m not trying to affix blame to any of my sisters. Rather I’d like to just set the mirror up for those of us that may need to peer into it. We’re all culpable for the state of our lives, one way or another. I remember whining one day to a wise friend about the state of my life. I asked her to just tell me! , “how’d I get here?”…. meaning this place in my life I’d found myself. She looked at me in amazement and calmly stated….”Oh my, don’t you know? you drove”.
    And to my friend Erin…get better soon, Honey! We count on you! J


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