And so it begins. The first conversation with my family regarding gender confirmation surgery has taken place. My oldest daughter was the first. It was a good conversation, and I’m sure it will continue. To her credit, she is very happy for me and wants to know how I feel about it. While she understands it on one level, she doesn’t on another. You see for her, it really doesn’t matter. It’s not going to change how I look to her, or who I am to her. I’m her dad, always will be, full stop. I am also a woman. Full stop. So it is not important to her that I have the surgery. But it is important to her if it is going to make me feel better and end my battle with gender dysphoria once and for all. Smart kid !!
Next up will be my youngest duaughter. That is going to be a tougher conversation. I have no idea how she is going to react. That one scares me a little. We haven’t talked much at all about my transition in general. That kinda sucks. But I will just have to cross the bridge when I come to it.
And then there’s my ex. I have no idea what to do. We have not spoken about my transition or being transgendered at all. Though I’m pretty sure she hates the whole idea. But then again, I’m just guessing. So I’m not sure if I will even tell her. All indications are that she doesn’t care the least little bit about how I’m doing. Never asks. Never wants to talk about it more than the usually, “Hi, how you doin’? ” So conversations with those two will be interesting.
And that brings up a super frustrating thing for me. Why are people afraid to have conversations about things? What is so wrong with talking about things? To me that is really the only way to bring understanding and/or clarity to a situation. Is it uncomfortable? Awkward? Stressful? Maybe. But isn’t trying to work through something with no first hand information worse? A really good conversation is the classic example of short term pain for long term gain. A difficult conversation provides an opportunity to see where a persons is at in their thinking, and what information is lacking. To have a dialogue that can final in gaps in understanding by asking for first hand information. Why is that scary?
Unless your are afraid of the answer, afraid that you will understand, when all you want to be is mad and upset, almost hateful towards the other person, which in this case, would be me? Who knows ? But I can’t read minds, so I can’t help if people don’t want my help. I’m pretty sure I have information that would serve them in a few ways including providing accurate information as to how the whole process is working for me, and have first hand accurate info on how I am dealing with it. It makes me sad because it is all so unnecessary.
I just wish people would talk to me.
Finding my reflection 
I’ve got to talk…l.o.l. I have been incredibly lucky with my coming out to friends and family. I had imagined that many would abandon me. It never materialized, Wife, sister, nieces, nephews…blah blah blah. They all, each and every one of them pledged their undying support and unshakeable love for me. I’ve been blown away, to say the least.
The elephant in the room? I speak to them now as I always have, Albeit with a different voice, different inflection and different mannerisms. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. What I mean by that is that the very essence of what I’m doing, who I am and my long history with my transsexual denial is never broached. I almost never bring any of it up as I hate to seem self involved, and neither do they. No apparent curiosity, no questions, no queries. If I do mention that I’m comfortable with their queries, it’s always met with, “okay, thanks!” and the conversation then turns back or to something else. Well…I mention, “GCS next Spring!” “What’s that they ask”. “Bottom surgery”, I say..”Shiny new vajayjay!” ….”.Oh, that’s nice” they say. “Hope you enjoy it!” End of conversation…what? I’m thinking.
I’ve come to the conclusion and think the people in my life are so busy trying to prove to me how progressive they are, that the new taboo is to not ask me anything for fear of looking morbidly curious. Well… that’s lovely, but on some level, my girly feelings are hurt. I’m butt hurt that everyone isn’t fascinated with everything I do. I’m like, It’s just not fair! I was all prepared to spend untold hours defending my decision and nobody ever says squat. I threw a coming out party and no one came, dammit. We have apparently lost our white elephant status. Damned media!. More weird irony for me to ponder. I’m not complaining mind you…….oh, who am I kidding, of course I am. l.o.l. !
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Thanks Jess. Always great to get your insights, so comment away! 🙂
It is interesting how some really don’t want to know…they appear that they are okay with it all and just want to make it no big deal. To your point, are they afraid that they will be seen as non accepting, or questioning our judgement or what we doing? That was a really great observation.
I guess what gets to me, is that if someone is hurting, and filling their head with what they imagine vs getting accurate information, why not just ask me? I’m slowly beginning to think that my ex doesn’t ask because she doesn’t want to know or understand, so…time to move on I guess?
As for my youngest daughter, her feelings are still a bit raw. She may go either way. She may not want to know because she just can’t deal with it but will still be fine with me, or she will want to know everything. Not sure what she is going to do. When I had major surgery just over a year ago, she wanted to know everything. She was there with me when I went to the OR, apparently never left my side while I was on life support, there when I woke up, there for all the doctor meetings etc. So not sure how she is going to take it.
I’ve always been of the opinion knowledge is a good thing. I guess for some, including your situation, they are trying to move on, and not talking about it may be their way of doing that. And ya know, we both could have bigger issues…at least our families accept us and have not abandoned us, so I guess it all depends on how ya look at it?
and hey…you keep those comments comin’…they always make me think.!! 🙂
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I think a lot of ex-spouses never get over the perceived betrayal thing, Erin. It’s hard for them to comprehend our motives and consciousness. They’re unable to forgive and then they blame us for their anger. They simply can’t internalize that transition was an alternative to a life of hopeless desperation….. or worse. They don’t get that this ain’t a choice we’ve made and that none of it was planned as some nefarious affront to them.
You said:
“I guess what gets to me, is that if someone is hurting, and filling their head with what they imagine vs getting accurate information, why not just ask me? I’m slowly beginning to think that my ex doesn’t ask because she doesn’t want to know or understand, so…time to move on I guess?”
Perhaps…actually, probably.
I was once told:
“The opposite of Love is not hate, rather it’s indifference.”
It would be totally pretentious of me to assume to pretend to know what’s happening with your interpersonal life, but I thought I would set that little maxim out there in the light so you could look at it and decide if maybe that’s not what’s happening here with your ex. It was certainly an epiphany when told to me.
And yes….I count my blessings every day. It’s so hard to stand outside yourself and view you as others see you. It’s a gift I simply don’t have. But you know what? ….If we’re really paying attention to our lives, our pasts and how we’ve historically behaved, we can recognize our family and friends are kind of like mirrors, reflecting everything back at us through their respect for us or conversely, lack thereof ………………… I think we really do reap what we sow. Regardless of whether that turns out to be good or bad. As has been said, it is what it is.
As always, my very best to you.
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Thanks Jess! Some great counsel. I am going to really think about all of that. I so appreciate it!
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