I sit here, starring at the blank screen with that insipid flashing cursor, pretty much mocking me, daring me to type something, anything, to relieve its boredom. I try to articulate what is in my head, what is going on in there and it’s just not coming. You see, today, is just one of those days. I have no idea why, or what happened to precipitate it, but then again, I never do. It just is.
I woke up this morning feeling quite depressed. And it happens on occasion, just sort of out of the blue. No, I didn’t have a bad day yesterday. No, it wasn’t something that I ate. No, it wasn’t because I had an argument with anyone. It just happens. It’s like a switch gets flipped by some tiny electrician run amok in my brain. So, it just shows up.
These days, it doesn’t last very long, unlike the past, pre-transistion. It would last for months back “in the day”. That is all part of being diagnosed with depression some 30 plus years ago as I battled with my dysphoria around gender. I was pretty much a mess, but I fought it and worked hard with the help of great people. But that was then. Now, not so much. Just every now and again. It can last anywhere from a few hours or a day. Such episodes are very rare indeed.
I think depression is sort of like alcoholism. You are never really cured. At least that is the case for me, I think? I’ll be fine. I just have to let it work its way through. It’s sort of like getting a migraine…I just let it work it’s course and I’m fine. These days, it is very, very rare. Mostly because my life, overall, it pretty friggin’ great. And that’s what gets me through. Knowing that I’m good. I’m really good! And it won’t last.
What I don’t need is sympathy. I don’t need cheerleaders. I don’t need extra attention. Having a “good cry” isn’t going to help. And no, I don’t need to “talk about it”. I just need people to respect my quiet demeanor, and just understand and support me as it works its way through. There is nothing I can do about it. There is no drug to take, at least none that I want to! And telling me to just “cheer up” won’t help either. (Trust me, that was my mother’s solution for decades. Didn’t work then, ain’t going to work now!).
So it’s going to be a quiet day. I’m going to go about my day, take part in my usual routines (gym at lunch with one of my girlfriends at work), dinner, etc. I’m sure I will be fine tomorrow. I will be back to my usual obnoxious self tomorrow, so everyone, enjoy this time while you can, cuz “I’ll be back…” 😉
(insert maniacal laugh…he he he)
Have a great weekend!