I know, a bizarre headline, but bare with me. I am hoping that there will be some semblance of a coherent thought by the end. It’s about what I have noticed over the past three or four months regarding my mental abilities. Okay, okay…calm down. Get all the snide remarks out of your system and let’s move on, shall we??? 😉
Here’s what I have noticed. I seem to be able to focus more, be more engaged and present in conversations and activities. Case in point…I have never been really good with names, or basic facts in an article or conversation. If fact, I would go as far to say that I was an utter failure in being able to recall someone’s name, even just minutes after being introduced to them. Extremely frustrating and embarrassing doesn’t even begin to cover it. It was like I was bumbling along, in my own little world, in a bit of a fog for all my life. It got to the point that I was even sent for testing when I was in my late 20’s. They did all sorts of things including IQ tests etc. Everything came back relatively clear…I say relatively because I did fail their memory tests, but all other were fine, such as IQ. In fact, much to my surprise, (and I’m sure to the shock of others that knew me) I scored in the top 5% in IQ. To say they were both stunned and perplexed is an understatement. However, no diagnosis, ergo, no help. I continued to bumble along.
Well guess what. It turns out that maybe that was the issue all along….I was in a fog. However, that is all changing. While I am still not the poster child for recall of names, etc, I am now much, much better. This includes not only the names of people, but movies, shows, news items, etc etc etc. Things that I wouldn’t normally be able to recall and caused no end of frustration.
So, what has changed? Well, there’s a loaded question if I ever heard one. Lots, as you are no doubt aware. But if I had to speculate (and I will…) I think my brain is just happy and calm and more able to focus due to the HRT (hormone replacement therapy). Prior to commencing HRT, the “little voices in my head” so to speak, were busy with negative self talk, and occupied with thoughts of “I wish I looked like her”, or “what a lovely outfit, it looks amazing, but not for me” etc, etc, etc.
Now, my brain doesn’t have to go there. It is getting the “nourishment” it has been craving all these years (i.e. estrogen) and is no longer conflicted. It has settled down into a new, or better stated, correct, normalcy. By being me, just being who I really am, the distraction, the fog, the frustration, aggravation (need I go on??) is no longer. It’s gone, done, finito. I no longer think “I wish I was her”. I am her. I am Me. So I can now use all the wasted energy to focus on what is going on.
It is amazing that something that appears to be so basic and taken for granted by 99.5% of the population that does not suffer from gender dysphoria, can be such an amazing epiphany for another person. Like me. I can now easily recall facts from articles, news items, conversations etc. I know longer have to check and recheck sources. I am now beginning to trust myself and my ability to correctly recall things.
This is not to say that I remember everything little detail etc, but it is much better than it used to be and is not longer a source of frustration. So yet another benefit to being my authentic self…if we should meet someday, chances are very good that I will now remember your name!