I had a conversation a few days ago with someone who is both a friend, ally, and counsellor. We talked, as we always do, about many things. How I’m doing, work, my two daughters, one of whom she knows very well, etc etc etc. We then came to the topic of relationships as we always do. Hence the entry today.
I know that I still have issues regarding my divorce and my now ex-wife. And as often times with emotions, they ebb and flow regarding this. A few days ago, it was definitely a flow. They were pretty much in my face, for whatever reason. Anyway, I still harbour very much guilt and sorrow about it all. I feel responsible for the break up, which, let’s face it, I am. I get that she made the decision to leave, but still, when you look at the circumstances, I can’t blame her. I know that she is happier now than she was with me, as I was quite a miserable individual to be around pre-transition. And for those of you who are on this journey, you probably can totally relate to that. Unfortunately, it is not that uncommon.
I was puzzled by her behaviour towards me lately, so we chatted about it. My friend asked if I thought she still might be in mourning. My initial response was very quick. No. She is not mourning the loss of me. Her response to my being transgendered was quick and visceral, and she hated me for it. So I find it hard to believe she is mourning or sad for “loosing” me. I was met with prolonged silence on my friends part. This usually signals that I need to think about it a bit more. That’s when I said that I think she may be mourning the loss of her marriage, a husband. Not her husband, but the notion of having a husband. And the conversation quickly took off from there, an indication that I was on “the right track” so to speak.
We spoke about it for some time. I guess I do get it, but I don’t think that I have fully internalized it. It is still pretty raw for me, even after this amount of time, coming up on two years. It’s hard to know that you are the cause for someone else’s pain. Deep pain. That doesn’t go away overnight by any stretch of the imagination.
And this is something that plagues Trans people. (In my opinion). Many of us, I would dare say the vast majority of us, live with this. For some, it may be short lived, for others, not so much. All we want to do is be who we are, really. To live our lives and experience inner happiness, and in some cases, for the first time in our lives.This journey ain’t no picnic, and ain’t for the feint of heart. That’s why is so important for us to surround ourselves with cheerleaders, supporters and allies. Easier said than done for most.
Navigating relationships that are suddenly impacted by something we do, can be a minefield. But we have to do. And it’s tough. Really tough. So, help someone when you can. Be an ear, or shoulder. A hug can go a long way.
So I continue on. I hope from the bottom of my heart that this will improve. But I honestly don’t know. I keep working on it. I try to protect myself so that it is not damaging to my spirit. But sometimes it is hard. But, I keep trying.
I’ll be okay. Pass me my kevlar.