Yesterday, my mind was totally embroiled about a conversation that I had with myself on Friday, October 23, 2014. How do I know that date you ask? Well, that was the day I had a really bad melt down. Maybe breakdown is the best way to describe it. I’m not sure why I went there yesterday. Okay, well, that’s a bit of a lie. I think I’m pretty sure why and how I got there. It is thanks to an amazing woman I had the good fortune to meet yesterday, Rebecca. More about that another time, but suffice to say that we had an amazing conversation, and I hope there are more. She has a huge kind heart and has an amazing gift. We talked about my past, so that mostly likely was the trigger for my recalling the conversation with myself. Thank you so much Rebecca.
Now, back to the “conversation”. So here’s the setting. October 2015, I was at a conference, representing an organization that I volunteer at, as Chair of the Board of Governors. Made it through the day, but was tired, as I always was back then, as I was presenting as male, which was exhausting. Trying to relax, I was soaking in the tub, practicing some mindfulness exercises my therapist taught me to try to focus and get grounded again. To look into your heart and just “be”. Well, that’s when I completely lost it. Totally inconsolable, not sure what I was going to do, miles away from home at a remote resort, my mind was totally spinning. So, tried to get grounded, and FAST! That’s when the conversation started with the voice in my heart.
Me: “What ? ”
Voice: “Hey…it’s me.”
Voice: “It’s me. I can help”
Me: “Whatta ya mean ‘you can help’ ”
Voice: “I can help. Just let me. Just let me out”
Voice: “Ya, Out.”
Me: “What? How? Why? ”
Voice: “Look…all this pain, despair, suffering you have been going through? I can help. Just let me help you!”
Me: “How? Who are….”
Voice: “It’s me. Erin”
Voice: “Yes. Erin. Let me out. Show the world who you really are. Let me out, and all of this will get better.”
Voice: “Yes…. you dumb ass! You know who you are. Time to do it babe. It’s time. It’s your time. Time to drop the facade, the lies, the acting. Be who you were meant to be. Your authentic self.
Me: “Oh, that’s all”
Voice: Yes, that’s all ! Good lord. Trust me. I am who you are. Let me out. It’s the only way to get past all of this. Stop denying it. Stop fighting it. All you have to do is be you.
Me: “uh huh. Not so easy….my whole life….puff….gone!”
Voice: “You don’t know that. You may be surprised at all the support you will have to become you. And, it’s better than the alternative”
Voice: “Yes. I guarantee, if you don’t do this, then ya, it will be ‘puff….gone’, if you know what I mean! Don’t deny everyone of your beauty and kindness and wisdom and love. Just let me out.
Voice: “Ya Babe”
Me: “I can’t go on. I’m not sure I have what it takes”
Voice: “Yes, you do. You do if you let me help. Just let go. Just be who you are. That’s it. I’m here. I’m strong. I will survive. You’ve got to do this.”
Me: “Let me think about it? There’s a lot to think about. There’s a lot of people this impacts”
Voice: “Yes, true. It does. Let me just say that it’s time to put you first. You’ve got this. Remember. I’m here, ready to go. I always will be. I’ve been with you since you were born, and I’m not going anywhere.”
And, that’s when I think I fell asleep. I remember all of this like it was yesterday. I’m pretty sure that this conversation is only a modification of what everyone goes through at some point in their journey to become their true self. I’m here to say, listen to that inner voice from your heart. It’s okay. I’m so glad that I eventually made the decision. It took a few more conversations, because, well, let’s just say, I can be a bit slow on the uptake sometimes.
It’s that inner strength that we all have. It’s there for you like it was, and still is, for me. It’s who you are. Just allow yourself to be you. It’s a lot less energy than all the acting we all have done of the decades of our life.
It turns you, it’s easy to be you.