First, let me say, that I consider myself to be very lucky. Not at cards, not at gambling and certainly not in love ;), but with my transition. Everything, for the most part has gone relatively well. HRT is fine, work, family, friends and colleagues all fine. Yet despite all of that, it can still be a lonely trip. I was reminded of this last night in a very bizarre way….dreams.
Some context. I am not a stranger to being on my own or alone. Growing up, I lived in six different cities and went to seven different schools by the time I reached grade 12. I learned very quickly not to make friends, so I isolated myself. I have no contact with anyone I grew up with, and don’t have any memories of milestone events/activities as one typically would growing up. I left home at 17 to escape the insanity. I also have developed the ability to be completely detached from a house. I never had a “home” per se, just a house. To this day, I still don’t. My house is my house. I could sell and move in a heart beat and not fell a thing. So being alone is nothing new to me. Having said all that, I have an amazing group of friends and certainly am not alone except by my choice. Life is great….now.
Parenthetically, this is something that I vowed I would not do to my kids and as a result, they have only known one home (yes, for them it is a home, not a house) and are still great friends with kids they have known since kindergarten! It is really cool to see. Anywho….
Last night I had a few dreams that had me in situations where I was alone, but not by my choice, but by the actions or inactions of others. It brought me right back to those days. I woke up quite despondent. I felt crappy….again. So interesting how early life cements certain aspects of our psyche. Tack on GD on top of that, and life can get really “fun”. But trust me, that is not the “F” word I was using this morning.
The day is better, so on the upswing, and this is just a hiccup, but so many us in the trans community have past experiences and baggage that impact our GD and our transition. It is challenging even at the best of times. Venting is a good way for me to deal with it, hence the blog. But I keep in mind the old saying, “that which does not kill you….”